oh, boy do i need some words, advice, support, whatever you can throw at me today!! Ive posted before, but my story quickly - known H for 6 years, got married 5/02, i have 9yo D...DDay #1 2/00 OW on business trip, i found email to her, DDay # 2, 8/02, OW 20 yr old relative of H's friend (H is 32), DDay # 3 another friend of H confides that 20 yr old is not the only OW, there have been "multiple" PA's...H & I separated since 8/02...many many ups and downs since then. I have been in IC and read tons of books, H has not gone to C, was too busy being angry for awhile. H recently started to make a turn around, H wants to be with me and D, wants to work on things...H spending more time with us. H and I go on first "date" since dday 11/16/02, I tell H to come home so we can work on things together...then, BAM! Another setback; I am at home 11/18 and check H's cell phone out of the blue (i have tried to not do that as often). There is a message from OW telling H not to call her as much at work, that her mgr told her he is calling too much...to add insult to injury, the message envelope is 11/16....the day of our date - I realize that H must have called OW when i was out w/D- called her from our house and then went out with me later as if all was okay. Now - i have not demanded NC (until now) but think that behavior is sick - i confronted H and he was remorseful, said he should not have called, blah blah. i was so hurt about the timing - how can you want to work on things but then call OW as soon as W leaves the house? H says he will make NC call with me there but is it worth it? i dont know if i can believe this is the end....most of my worries are b/c OW is from another country and is supposedly going back in Jan - fear that H is going to try and keep her around until then, then go back to me, the ever suffering wife. What can I do? How can i force myself to be strong with this man? I try so hard to plan A and then the anger and despair get in the way!

I got some good advice on here about no contact - should be done in a letter that you read before it is sent. I don't think calling her would be good - sort of sends a mixed message about no contact but calling to do it. Get it?

However, it kinda sounds like other woman is getting sick of him too?

I got some good advice on here about no contact - should be done in a letter that you read before it is sent. I don't think calling her would be good - sort of sends a mixed message about no contact but calling to do it. Get it?

However, it kinda sounds like other woman is getting sick of him too?

You know, you are right about the letter vs calling, i will tell H to do that AND have me read it...i suppose that "puts it in writing" too as they say. And your observation about the tone of her message made me feel better, too - though i was so upset at the thought of my H calling OW numerous times, she did sound annoyed, and what i didnt add is that the ended the call with an irritated comment about H answering the phone next time she called...so, i suppose thats a plus, in a twisted way! Any advice on the contents of a NC letter? left to my own devices, i would tell H to put all sorts of stuff in there, you know?! e

As for the timing of his phone call...if you look at it from a different view, you'll see that he was still fearing being alone. Making sure that ole safety net was still hanging around if you and he didn't find your path. Happens a LOT! And this was before you went out...when his fear may have been greatest.

Since all this has happened in just a couple of days, you really don't know where your path is leading to yet. You've got a lot of unanswered questions as to what each of you want and the goals you have, individually and as a couple.

Did you have any type of marital recovery plan before he moved back home? Are you in counseling, both IC and MC?

Rather it's a letter or a phone call...what counts is that the one writing or phoning is doing it because they want to end all contact with the OP. Then they have to "live up to their words".

Some thoughts on what to include in nc letter:
I will have no contact with you of any kind.
Understand that I am going to try to work on M with spouse.
Do not let the letter say, "this is hard for me" or "I'll miss you".
I think those statements will be a little destructive to read.

If you can get him to say this, maybe he'll mean it. Otherwise, I guess you'll learn something.
Good Luck....

it is so nice to hear another side of things! i think because everything's pretty new here for me that anytime anything negative happens with H, i assume the worst case scenario instead of taking a step back and really looking at why he's doing it - just a wifey, thank you for that - you are so right that he was still after that safety net in her! as far as a M recovery plan, i dont suppose we really have one but, a long talk has been scheduled by both of us for this weekend...since H was just getting ready to come home when i heard the infamous voice mail, i asked him to wait until we have this talk before officially coming back. i felt i needed that time for my anger to subside, as well as re-initiating plan A with him. Part of this talk is going to be about MC..after DDay #1 we went to C, but didnt really like the C and unfortunately stopped after a few months. this time around we know we have to go and go and go, hopefully starting very soon. I would like to work on the NC letter as well then, that is very important to me; because in my case the OW was very obvious about what she was doing and would flirt w/my H right in front of me - in fact, on DDay when i confronted both of them she had the gall to listen as i fell apart and then smirked at me ...so, i want this letter to be VERY clear about my H trying to work on this M, because this 20 yr old had no qualms about trying to wreck it.