I haven't had much contact the last 2-3 months with my wife (modified plan B) and I've recently discovered that the OM has been out of the picture for a couple of months. This was a major stumbling block as they had to work together (hospital setting) and R was impossible. Anyway, we're stumbling towards a out of court settlement that makes D final and I'm trying to find a way to reconnect. Any ideas? I've dropped her a card and left her a message in the last couple of weeks but don't want to come on too strong.....

^^Bumpity bump^^

Could you invite her out for a casual 'catch up' lunch? That would get you together and you could just chat..nothing relationship oriented..just like a friend.

Would that be too strong?

Hmm - tricky one Litchfield. I don't know your story so I may be way off base here but going on my own experience...

perhaps your W does not want to rush back into your arms because she is concerned that you would think that she had only come back now that the OM is out of the picture.

I say this as I know my WW has suggested I might feel like second choice if her A (or new R as she calls it) ended and she immediately came back to me.

If you think this might be the case I would suggest you keep on trying to contact her - could you stop by for a chat and keep it simple - "just coming by to ask how you are getting on" type thing. And if you think you can get away with it without LBing possibly "I wanted to check you really want to go through with the DV - we can stop it if you are unsure"

As I say I don't know you're story so my apologies if this doesn't work for you. I would be careful about mentioning (initially) that you know that the OM is out of the picture - but rather let her tell you that in her own time.

I appreciate though that with the DV impending you may not have too much time - so any way you can stall that process - again with LBing would be worth it IMHO.

Hope this helps you think it through - and just remember it's a great step further forward that the OM is out of the picture.

In a similar situation I've tried (and also suggested to others) quite successfully the following: Just send little signals along the lines of "hello, I'm here, I'm thinking of you, I miss you, it's not too late, I'm thinking of day X <when you had a super time>", do a drawing or a sketch, write a poem, send her a great cooking recipe saying that you cooked & ate it thinking of her or whatever! DONT ask, demand, push, LB, or anything like that. just simple balloons saying hello.
In the delivery mechanism you can be creative: a fax, an email, an electronic card, a snail mail, leave a note where she will find it (but avoid appearing like a stalker!), a text message on her mobile, whatever!
In terms of frequency, don't push it too hard. once a day max, I suggest.

MOst important - dont expect instant reaction. look at it as little rain drops which only over time (weeks!) will hollow the ice.

Try it!
Cheers
N

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

Kimmy Bowd and Nick-

Thanks for the input and I'll definitely consider your suggestions. Nick, I took your suggestion last week and dropped her a card along with a message this week but maybe I need to pick up the frequency of my contacts. Pretty much the only way we have communicate now is by calling/leaving messages at home. We no longer contact one another at work (I don't even know her #). She also lives in a gated community (I kept the house) so dropping by wouldn't be a option.

I could be wrong but what I think has happened is that she's extremely upset and doesn't want the D (she's had the agreement to sign for over a week) but is too proud/hurt to make any advances towards R. She thinks she has to be "fixed" (ie "happy") before we R.....

ah, OK! I thought it was you who asked the Q before, but wasnt sure.
you may well be right in your assessment. that's why the constant message of 'come on, it's not too late yet, give us some time' is so important. if you can stall the D, then let her know that you are not ready yet for it, that you are still giving it a chance

Nick-

Okay, I think I'll give until this weekend and then try to get her to go for a hike, sunday brunch, something.

It could be that I making everything up in my head. I wouldn't be shocked to get a call today from my attorney telling me she's signed the agreement.She's very deliberate with everything (I love that about her) and it could be that it's taken her a week and a half to get around to it. Oh well, if that's what happens then I'll give her the D then figure out a way to fall out of love...

Well, I tried to contact her over the weekend without any luck. I left her message friday and last night and still haven't heard from her. What gives? She's had the final D settlement papers for 2 weeks now and still hasn't signed as far as I know....I don't want to bug her too much by leaving these messages but sure would like to know what she's thinking. Should I just let it go until after Turkey day or keep trying to contact her. Maybe send a card or gift?

^^Bump^^