In case you can't tell I am having a really bad day. I don't usually have more than one post going at a time.

I want to give it to him and I don't. Most of it is just plain rambling

Dear R,

I feel like our marriage is in a shambles. I want to go to marriage counseling to save it. Will you go? I want our marriage to work. Do you? When I married you, I envisioned us being married into our old age. I was very happy when you asked me to go to Vegas to get married. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Then, when you almost changed your mind, I almost turned around and went home. I was hurt when I found out you were keeping it a secret. When I found out by accident that you did not tell your friends. Why? Are you ashamed to be married to me? Did you even love me when you married me? Did you marry me so you would not have to pay me child support?

If I didn’t think our marriage had a chance, I would not have married you. Why did you marry me. Now that I think back, even in Vegas, you did not say you loved me.

We have the game we bought, we don’t play it much. I want to play it. I want to go out with you. I want you to be proud of me. I don’t think you are. I’m worried about us.

Why didn’t you ask me to go to Vegas with you? Why didn’t you ask me to go last year? Or the year before? Why haven’t you ever asked me to go skiing? Or fishing? I love to fish, we have never gone fishing, camping. These could have been planned around my school breaks.

Are you happy with me as your wife? Do you want me as your wife? I have been having these doubts ever since we got married.

I love you so much, and I don’t know how you feel about me. I’m hurt that you have not tried to touch me in the last few weeks. I have said I want Ashley’s bed put together, I want us to have our bed back. I want you to hold me like you used to.

I think back to when we lived together in Odale, you were so attentive to me then. I never doubted how you felt about me. You were very open about your feelings, and now, I don’t know. From the time I moved in, all I ever wanted was to be your wife and have you children. I loved you so much and still do. It tears me apart when we fight, it tears me apart when I think you don’t love me, and maybe never did. Did you, do you?

Sometimes I feel like I am competing against someone and I don’t know who. Jodi? I know she was your first love. I wonder why. I am your wife, you married me and I don’t know why you married me. Most women know why. Do you have regrets? Do you only stay because of the kids? Did you marry because of the kids?

I want the truth and at the same time, I’m afraid to hear the truth. I’m afraid that what you will tell me will hurt. I know what I hope is the truth.

Love
S

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

You sound so much like I did in my marriage. Why do you love me? Do you love me? Etc. Etc. You want to know something? My H left me and is giving me reasons as follows....

You never believed in my love for you.
You are insecure.
You are jealous.
You don't trust me.

Now, even though I felt that I did believe in his love for me and I did trust him and everything. My words and my voicing the "negative thoughts and fears" in my head lead him to believe that's how I truly felt.

I'm not saying that you should talk about your marriage with your H, but I wouldn't give him a letter like the one you wrote.

JMHO.

Thanks Ferbie,

I didn't know if I wanted to give this to him or not. I had to put it down somewhere.

My insecurities have built over the years, because he does not say he loves me.

Because he does not ever celebrate our anniversay, he never take me anywhere and right now he is in Las Vegas with her. He does not know I know. He told me his is with his buddy Tom. He does not have a buddy Tom. I checked. They are registered in the same room. I had to know. I have been two years without a dryer and he take her to Las Vegas.

I don't want a divorce, but I cannot live with this either.

I wish i could sleep the next 5 months away

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>