Dear Hubby:
Last week was really rough. Lots of emotions and tears. We made the decision to stick it out and stay together. But we also said we would work on our marriage and we haven't done this.

Yes, we have been nice to each other and spent time together sitting on the same couch holding hands and watching the same shows on TV. You even invited me to stop by while you were bowling and you offered to help me with a committee fund raiser. So it appears we are trying on that front.

But is it just a front? We haven't delved into the pit we were in last week. We haven't talked about what happened, why it happened and will it happen again. We need to do this - soon. I know you will say we haven't had time but I think we have had time. I know it's gonna be hard. I know there will be tears from both of us and I also know you hate to see my cry. But we have some more crying to do. I'm frustrated by our lack of motivation to get started on this.

I NEED more details about what happened. You just brush over that. I want to know what happened. I have to be more prepared to fix the problems we both had. How can I possibly know what I'm dealing with if I don't know the depth of the problem. I want to know so much. I have sooo many questions. I should write them all down because each hour I come up with more. They are all important to me.

However, it's hard for me to bring this up because I see the pain in your eyes and it hurts me as bad as it hurts you. It's something we have do and we are just avoiding the inevitible.

I'm not asking these questions to punish you. In no way should you think that. I'm doing this for ME. I have to do it for ME. I hope you can understand.

Only after we get through that ordeal can we possibly think about fixing our marriage. We have a lot of work to do. I can't wait to get started. The sooner we get these talks going, the sooner we can heal ourselves.

The honeymoon is almost over and then it'll be time to roll up our sleeves and get some work done.

I love you deeply. I can't believe what we almost lost. I am making a new pledge to you that I will try to be a better person, better wife, a better partner.

I am looking into the crystal ball of our future and I see us there together, travelling, with friends, out to eat, grandparenting, together.

Let's not put this off any longer. I need you. I love you,
K.

Dazedblonde - I don't want to upset you but I will tell you that my husband never has told me the true story - yet we got divorced because he said I would never trust him again - and he wasn't going to live like that !!! So do you really want to push him to tell you ??? Or do you just want to say ok he did a bad thing I am going to forgive him and as long as he is trying we are going to fix our marriage. The more bits and pieces that I would find out on a daily basis made me more freaked and I am still freaked even though we have been divorced for a month - I still feel the need to know - but I dont' know what to believe anyways so at this point it doesn't matter but someday I hope to know the truth - but I just want to tell you that my husband held me wanting to know as the reason he needed out of the marriage... Good luck - in some cases I am not sure knowledge is a good thing - sometimes I wish he had never told me....

you're v right to push him to solve & talk through the issues rather than papering over the cracks.
however, you should only do that if you're sure that you've developed a safe communication mechanism to do that. if such a talk ends up in mutual accusations, anger, LBing, then it's not the time yet.

N

We've been through one A and I told him not to tell me about the next one. He didn't and I found out after he lied. I feel that's worse.

Maw, you said that you find out the bits and pieces every once in awhile and it drives you crazy. I want to find out the bits and pieces all at once. Get it over with.

Nick, point taken. I know this has to be done with love and carefulness. Count to 3 before you respond. Thanks for the encouragement.

Dazedblonde - I don't blame you for wanting to know the details and I think we should all know - Actually like I said that is what drives me nuts wanting to know --- and it drives him nuts with me asking... actually someone on one of the boards - described it as you were doing a puzzle and you were trying to put it all together so you could get the picture - but there was no way that that could be accomplished because you didn't have all the pieces - My husband didn't buy that but maybe you could try it with your husband - Just curious - did he think you gave him permission to have another affair???

No, it wasn't like that. I was just hurting and I said to him, "Telling me made you feel better but hurt me. Next time, don't tell me." Said in a moment of passionate hurt. Which is why he didn't. He reminded me of that and I had forgotten I had said that.

Dazedblonde- Ok in a moment of utter frustration I can see that being said totally - I most of the time like I said wish I had never known... I think that you should explain to him that you really truly need to know - if you two have gotten through this before than he should know what you need him to do to make you forgive him - Do you guys go to marriage counseling??? Are you going to give him the letter - because all in all it pretty much says how you feel !! being in the pit as you say is definately the pits...

Dear Maw:
I actually picked up the phone and called a mc the other day, got the answering machine and hung up.

I'm scared to do it. I suggested it last week and WH says he will do it - but later. I don't know if he meant after holidays or what - I didn't ask.

I'm not sure if it will covered under insurance - most aren't I guess. So that means it's going to be expensive. We've had a lot of medical bills this year already and are looking at surgery for our son early next year. Plus, we are going to need an additional car for son early next year. I know, I know, M is important enough to spend money on but it's kind like a roof, tires and oil - it's not fun to spend money on that kind of stuff.

Another big hangup with counseling is time and excuses. We are trying to keep this private - secret from friends, family, etc. Making a trip to go 40 minutes to counselor is going to take excuses to our kids, coworkers. I'm sure we could do it but just haven't.

I feel I've benefited a lot from this website. I know you aren't professionals but sometimes people who've been there and done that have more profound wisdom than pros. We are going to stay together but we do need to make this marriage better and DO feel we need a pro to help us do that. I was really hepped up on this earlier in the week but have sort of dropped the ball since. Maybe I'll make it a New Year's Resolution - maybe I'll get some Christmas money!!!

Thanks for letting me vent this out too. I've been thinking about it all day.

As to sharing the letter with my husband, I don't know. Maybe so.....