I've been thinking so much about our upcoming "anniversary" of sorts. I've been so thankful to have woken up before it was too late, and even more thankful that you gave me so many chances. Although I'm sure that part of your desire to put back together our marriage was because of the comfort and stability of being a family vs being divorced...I also feel like a large part was because you do love me and want to be with me.

I don't understand what you're doing tonight. I don't understand why you're driving 160 miles without me and leaving me here alone and sad. To make me happy??? How is this supposed to make me happy? I feel like you're punishing me when I've tried SO HARD to drop the expectations and demands and nagging. Over a MONTH ago it was mentioned that it had been a while since you got me flowers...you thanked me then for reminding you and letting you know I'd like something. And then you proceeded to continue in the old path of doing not one damn thing about it. And now tonight I feel I'm being punished for being sad. Today you had a perfect opportunity...the one you always tell me you never get...and you let it go. And I don't understand why. 2 flower shops in town and one in the next town you went to. Hell, I told you I was starving and some chips would be good....that would have been better than nothing!!! And still...I didn't complain...I didn't nag. I was visibly sad and that got me in trouble. I wasn't pouting, I was tired and quiet. It's been a long week and I was disappointed. I didnt' make a big deal about it. I don't understand how you put together that you should leave and drive all the way to the city to get me crappy walmart flowers in the middle of the night and how THAT is going to make me happy. You still just don't get it.

I would have been happy if you would have explained to me WHY you didn't bring flowers...maybe an apology for neglecting that romantic need I so despertly have always had and that you've known FULL WELL you've been neglecting for so long and STILL decided to do nothing about. Maybe if you would have just pampered me a bit around the house. But why leave? Now I'm worried that you could wreck and die with our son and I'll be here alone forever.

And you know I wanted to go to get some things. Why not let me rest after working so hard all week and take me with you tomorrow...so we could do some christmas shopping and I could enjoy the day too???

I just don't understand this solution you came up with. I'm sad...and I'm alone...and now I'm feeling punished...like I'm so horribly demanding that you have to drive 160 miles just so you can live with me.

I just wanted to feel special and appreciated and noticed every now and then...that's all. This just makes me feel horrible. And after a miserably long week and knowing you're going to be gone tomorrow too.

I'm going to bed. Please make it home safely...and please don't do this again. I love you.

H4F,

I'm sorry for what you are feeling tonight. Of course I don't know your H. But, I ask you to look at another reason he has taken this trip to the city. Perhaps the two of you had hard words, perhaps not. I hope not but at any rate.

Could it be that your H felt extremely bad that he hasn't gotten those flowers before now? Could he be feeling like a real jerk? That he has missed these opportunities to show his love? So much so that he felt he would not forgive himself were he NOT to drive to the city to get you something special? Even cheap Wal-Mart flowers?

Please don't jump to the conclusion that he doesn't love you. Or want to give you what you need. Us guys can be such damned idiots at times. When you get these flowers, or whatever he brings. Try to understand that if he didn't love you very very much, he would not have cared to drive that distance in the middle of the night to try to right his shortsidedness.

I personally see this action as him loving you and wanting to show his sorrow at not doing it sooner(getting you the flowers).

I am sorry you are down in the dumps tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

jd

<small>[ November 23, 2002, 02:03 AM: Message edited by: jdmac1 ]</small>

hey hope- i'm sorry to hear how you feel. are you ok?

please keep us posted. ive been thinking of you.

I was soooo tired last night...it's been a long week and hubby knew that. I went to bed and couldn't sleep for hours worrying that he and son might get in a wreck and it would be my fault. I did finally fall asleep and when I woke up hubby was in bed...so they made it home safely thank god.

I know he was trying JD. It's just that he realized over a month ago he's been letting things slide and he didn't do a thing about it until I was upset. It's no different than the 11 years we've been together. I get sad that he never does anything, so then he does and it's already tainted by hurt feelings. It feels like a consolation prize, instead of a romantic gesture. He knows we've been without a date for 4 months...after the anniversary screwup I would have thought he might have tried to do SOMETHING...take me somewhere or SOMETHING! He just leaves it all up to me to do.

Running off and leaving me by myself to hurt and worry was not the right solution. What he brought home and did was very cute and at the right time would have been sweet. But I'm so hurt and angry right now...it just doesnt' make me feel good or loved at all.

He should have apologized if he really thought he screwed up...instead he runs off with our son making me feel like he's doing it because he has to. He should have been here to hold me and let me cry instead of running away from me again.

No, we didn't have words...he just thought up this whole thing himself. I don't think he thought it through very well or he doesn't know me at all...probly both.

Anyway...thanks for your thoughts and your concern.

Hubby is a work-in-progress...

everyone is.

You are making progress...

sometimes you see the glass is half full.

How can you turn this into a success?

The person who is disappointed...

is your inner child.

Comfort her. She's frightened.

I think you are amazing!!!! I really do.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

The one good thing...different thing...that I saw was that hubby actually KNEW I was upset and he even knew why. On the one hand it makes me feel good that he has learned that much and is "in tune" to me atleast that much...on the other hand it makes me EVEN MADDER that he'd just leave me to hurt and cry by myself so that he could run off and bring me cactuses (evidently because he's a [censored]??!!) And still no apology. So it makes me feel that he knew I was upset...but that he holds no responsibility for that...it's not his fault, it's cause I'm so demanding and unpleasable.

It also pisses me off because I REALLY NEEDED things from Walmart! I'm half tempted to go there myself today so I can get what I need.

Hubby is a work in progress (as am I)...I'll try to remember that and try to focus on the progress that has been made...but it's difficult when it's the same crappy thing as every other year for the past 11. I changed the dance and he just keeps on doing the F(*&U(* jig.

Whatever. I'm pissed and I'm sad and now I've got to go water my little pricks...er...cactuses.

<small>[ November 23, 2002, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

H4F

Do you make it safe for H to apologize to you? (This was something I had to learn)

What are you like when you are hurt? What is your body language? Your facial expression? Your tone?

Make sure you water your pricks and don't piss on them instead <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> LOL!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

H4F,

Try not to let the hurt and anger simmer. You need to have a calm discussion with your H.

I admit that I haven't kept up with your story. Guess I should not try to suggest anything based on that alone.

Talk to the man. Try to get rid of the anger and hurt feelings(of which you have a right to be).

Cactus? That [censored]...just kidding. He meant well.

jd

Well...in the past when I felt hurt I would get very angry and verbal. When I got REALLY angry I'd throw stuff and rush out and all that childish junk. I haven't done that for a long time and hubby has noted that. I'm calm and rational and overall quieter.

So while I know that H probably remembers all to well the tirades...he also knows I have worked very hard to change that. Last night I wasn't angry UNTIL HE LEFT! I was hurt and sad and tired. I sat in my chair with a blankie over me and watched a movie. He felt avoided...well, I didn't feel like being around him just then. I still spoke to him, asked him to choose the movie etc etc... So I think he had the opportunity and environment to apologize...it's just something he's never done without being backed in to a corner and feeling forced to do it. Like when he reads this...then he'll tell me he's sorry...just like the gifts and the possible date I'll get out of this deal. But to initiate it on his own??? Nope...never happend...possibly never will. After 11 years I'm growing tired of false hopes.

So anyway...tell me how I should have acted to be more safe? Councel me oh wise one....

Oh..and NO WAY would I try to piss on these little pricks...think about it...they're about 2" tall and I'm a FEMALE! OWIE OWIE I'm smarter than that.

Have YOU ever tried to apologize to someone who was all prickly and as hot as a firecracker?

When you are hurting ... are you ever soft and vulnerable... and capable of receiving any offerings of intimacy? Are you critical of offerings because... they are not the *correct* offerings? Instead of showing hurt and vulnerability... you get mad?

Do you feel safe crying and showing weakness to H?

Pepper

JD, I know I shouldn't simmer...but dangit...he left me here alone AGAIN!! Pray tell what one does when they're left alone and can't communicate in a healthy fashion?? I guess I tend to SIMMER!! And sure enough...as each hour passes and he's not here I'm madder and madder. He KNOWS THIS...he's either not thinking or avoiding...and I tend to think it's the latter. Not smart.

We posted at the same time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

"He's either not thinking or avoiding .... and I tend to think it's the latter. Not smart."

Being veddy * veddy MB-ish here .... Can you say disrespectful judgement????

Your task, little one, is to let go of being in control of your hurt... always turning it into anger. Let it be hurt without anger.... but, you are afraid to do this. (I could say this .... "you are either not thinking or avoiding your hurt... and I tend to think it's the latter. Not smart.") .... see how yucky this feels to be turned around???

Your H loves you .... I wonder if he feels he can ever be "enough".

Pepper

I know. His actions were all wrong. I am not defending what he did. But I can see clearly why he did it.

Us guys can be sooo slow when it comes to seeing and understanding a lot of the romance stuff. We want to do the right things for our wives but many times don't know how. Some guys are worse than others. They tend to be avoiders, never truly understanding how important the little things can be to those that love us. Or affraid to try for fear of failure and rejection. So it is easier to avoid doing anything until things blow up. Then we kick ourselves and attempt to fix what we allowed to happen in the first place. Doesn't mean we don't love or care for you. NOTHING could be further from the truth.

Must be that Mars-vs- Venus thing.

I hope your day is better.

jd

In the past I was prickly and angry and you're right...if hubby said sorry I would immediatly blurt out "no you're not!". It always felt like any "sorry" I got was just to shut me up...kind of still does.

But last night I didn't do ANYTHING like that...I just sat in my chair and watched my movie. It was about the Roswell alien crash...extremely interesting.

Hubby just showed up in the living room dressed and put on his shoes. I asked him where he was going and he said "to Walmart to get you flowers" in a very sarcastic voice...like, well, now I have to do something cause you're mad. Well, I WASN'T mad, but his attitude and actually leaving...AND taking our son too so I was completely alone...yes, I got mad.

What the HELL was he thinking?!?! He KNOWS I needed soap for our floor cleaner so I could finish our floors and we need milk and dozens of other piddly things that we could have picked up TOGETHER. He could have called someone to watch our son and taken me out for a DATE...we could have gone out to eat and shopped together. Nope...he leaves to punish me and teach me a lesson...never ask for anything and don't pout about it when you don't get anything. He doesn't make it easy to want to even TRY to be vulnerable.

And no...we're not very good at being vulnerable or evidently communicating ANYTHING...but I didn't get mad and I wasn't prickly. I just don't get how his thought process led him to believe this would make anything better??!!

"I changed the dance and he just keeps on doing the (fill in the blank) jig."

And this makes you MAD <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

As you dance, are you comfortable to make this face <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ??

Which face welcomes comforting and loving and sincere apologizing??

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> or <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

What was you mom like when she was hurt? Your dad?

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ November 23, 2002, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

"He doesn't make it easy to make me want to even TRY to be vulnerable".

EXcuzzzzze me .... emotional fusion alert. Borrowed functioning alert. Time to re-read some Passionate Marriage describing differentation!

You are afraid to let go .... and it's HIS fault???

NOPE.

Nice try though. I might have done this one a few hundred times myself. Don't fly with me anymore sister..... try again!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Oh, I painfully know how right you are on that one...that he DOESN'T feel he'll ever be enough. I know I certainly fed in to that self esteem issue each time I'd go in to a tirade...and the A was the ultimate blow. It's sooo soo frustrating because I have NO IDEA how to change it. I didn't give him the issue in the first place...it was his to begin with. But I fed it, I know that.

We've been through this over and over and over. In the counseling office I was bawling my eyes out because hubby knew he was supposed to be doing something and he'd done nothing for months....sound familiar? He said...I guess I thought I had more time?!?! WHAT?!?! This is an ONGOING job...it's not supposed to be a chore...it's supposed to be a joy...to want to show appreciation and love to your spouse atleast friggin ONCE A MONTH for goodness sakes!! But he thought he had more time. So..the counselor said to him...you have no more time...do something and do it NOW, the minute you walk out of this office take the initiative to plan something and actually do it. We left...he asked me what we should do. Yup...ASKED ME!!! I could have crawled in a hole and died....it just hurt so badly. And here we are a year together, recovering and trying to do things differently...and nothing in that department has changed. It's extrodinarily frustrating. He doesn't try because he doesn't think it will be enough...and that leaves me hurting because he'd rather do nothing than possibly fail a couple of times learning to do something.

I've been very very good since our anniversary. Not asking for anything, not complaining, trying to meet his needs...trying to be patient and not expecting anything from him. He let it slide for months and then got a gentle reminder that it's been a while....and proceeded to let it slide over another month. No dates...no flowers...no cards ever, not even a free email love not for goodness sakes...nothing. Oh wait...he picked me up a candy bar...I guess I didn't praise him enough for that because he brought that up last night. I thought that was common decency...to get something for your spouse when you get something for yourself. Evidently it's a grand romantic gesture and I missed it. Yup...seems it's all my fault...usually is....

Ok...I see I'm getting nowhere here but venting.

I'm not safe...I'm not appreciative and I expect too much...hubby will never feel like enough because I'm so demanding and horrible. Is there a medication one can take that will turn me back in to a princess from a frog??

I don't know how to hurt without being angry. I just don't know how.

"I just don't know how."

WORK IN PROGRESS..... !

remember?

LOL, okay you got me on the fusion one. He can't MAKE me feel anything. Can I add a yadda yadda yadda here just for sarcasm's sake??? PPPPPLEASE???

My mom died when I was 4.5.....I have no idea what faces she made since I can't even remember her. I only have one picture of her left after losing all my photo albums in the tornado. She looks just like me though. She was only 25 when she died...I've outlived her by 6 years and been married twice as long. That's something I guess.

Dad...dad was always closed off and always angry. He always kept a gun by his chair in case the notion to shoot himself seemed particularly good that evening. I know I have issues and believe me...I know why.