My husband's affair has taken a huge toll on the whole family, and I wonder if there is any hope for restoring relations between my husband and myself or my husband and my 16-year-old son.

My husband abandoned us -- left without warning --last May. I actually think my husband and I would have reconciled if it weren't for my son. My son, who used to be exceedingly close to his dad, will now have nothing to do with him. Period. You see, his dad began having an affair with the mother of his (then) best friend. Due to my husbands's selfish actions, two families were torn apart. What is particularly humiliating to all of us is that this all happened in a tiny village and the wayward woman is the village gossip. You can imagine my son's anger, hurt, and embarrassment. Needless to say, my son has not retained any relationship with his best friend.

My son and I are now out of this goldfish bowl, living 1-1/2 hours away from these people. What a relief! A few days ago I sent my husband a plan B letter, but I wonder whether it's already too late. And I wonder whether my husband's lack of desire to be around his son (who doesn't want to be around him) will cause divorce to be the foregone conclusion.

Have any of you had similar experiences with the family falling to pieces and a child holding a grudge for a very long time? Both males are extremely stubborn, so I can well imagine that their relationship is over for life?

BridgetJones

Our two adult children want nothing to do with their father. One of them has not spoken to him since the day he left, nearly 4 years ago. I doubt very much if she ever will. Of course, he is still with the OW and has shown absolutely no sign of understanding that having an affair and deserting his family is wrong.

He blames me, because apparently he is incapable of believing that teenagers (now adults) are capable of thinking for themselves. In fact, our daughter realized he was having an affair the minute he left, quite awhile before I figured it out. Both of our adult children firmly believe in the adage, "once a cheater, always a cheater" and think I am nuts for being willing to forgive him if he were to come back.

My oldeset son does not want his dad back, he is 10... he hates visiting him and is made at me for wanting to work it out... I do think perhaps he can be persauded, but he is also a stubborn male... ugh!

Hugs to you and luck, bring the Lord into it, that will help your son, teach him that Jesus wants us all to forgive.

We are in church a lot and I only see this spiritualness that is taught and received there as helping my son and my h , when h goes... on occassion now....

Hugs and luck to you,

Hugs, H

It is interesting to learn that I am not the only one caught between two stubborn males who won't talk to each other. My son thinks I'm far "too nice" to my husband; my son becomes less inclined to speak to his dad with each passing month. He also feels unsupported by his dad's whole family. A year ago, I asked my mother-in-law to please phone my son. I felt my son desperately needed supportive adults in his life. She called once or twice after that. When she called a week ago, finally missing her grandson, he didn't want to talk to her. The time to show concern has come and gone, and my husband's entire family has blown it. I didn't necessarily expect them to support me, although that would have been nice, but I was surprised at how little support they've given my son, who was the apple of their eyes. I think it will be a long time, if ever, before my son has a relationship with either my husband or his family. Has anyone had this experience?

BridgetJones

Bridget - my situation has some similarities to your's, but with the entire range of possibilities. I'll share some of it to illustrate my belief that the near outcome for parent-child relationships is a wildcard.

To be brief, read my sig line.

Our two families were very close - in large part due to the long struggle we endured and shared for our deceased son. He contracted a childhood cancer. We had tremendous community and family support and the OF (other family) members were our loudest cheerleaders. They have three children - at the time of d-day, a college freshman (female), a high school senior (male), and a daughter born on the same day as my surviving son (then 11).

When the affair hit, OF's children IMMEDIATELY rebelled against their Dad. Ugly, ugly, ugly. The family came apart at the seams. For reasons I will never understand, OM seemed oblivious to his impending loss and railed equally against his children. After having experienced close hand the loss of my son, that this creature could turn his back on his own kids astounds all who know the story - except, of course, his new wife.

In contrast, my surviving son bought in, hook line and sinker, to my XWs explanation to him of what was taking place. This was helped in large part to the hysterical, non MB behavior of OM's W. She became an easy answer for whatever question came up that had no rational explanation. Coming on the heels of the loss of his brother, he also couldn't believe that his Mom was capable of intentionally causing what was happening. Today, he either still believes her explanations or suppresses his conclusions in some ballet of logic that accomodates his adolescent understanding of complex human relationships, his loss of his brother, and the new pressures of being an only child to two grieving parents.

In contrast to you, I believe that had my son rejected his Mom's explanations of the "non-affair" ("I'm NOT having an affair. I'm in love with <OM>, what don't you all understand about that??") that we'd be well on the way to recovery. Had she been threatened with "loss" of her remaining child, I think the fog would have quickly cleared. That said, this didn't work for OM's kids. Today, his two older kids have banished him from their lives and I don't see that changing until the new marriage falls apart and he seeks redemption. The younger daughter and my surviving son split time between the WSs and OM's XW and me, respectively, apparently ignoring their conflicting understanding what what happened.

In conclusion, I believe child-parent interactions are not predictable. Gender matters not. I also believe that when dysfunctional relationships result, reconciliation is dependent on the breakup of the affairees and remorsefulness of the WS to the child - and a lot of time.

WAT,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After having experienced close hand the loss of my son, that this creature could turn his back on his own kids astounds all who know the story </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have come to the conclusion that fear of loss is behind this sort of behavior, in many cases. A few months before my H began his affair, my nephew was murdered, dying after lingering in a coma for a couple of months. I know it was terribly difficult for my H to go see him in the hospital. It certainly made it hit home how fragile life is. He sunk into depression during this time and after the funeral. A few months later our oldest went off to college. I mentioned something once about "when she is grown and gone" and my H said that she was already gone. His affair started almost immediately after she left. He actually said something to her later about how he had waited until the kids were grown before he left - which is an interesting point of view, since we had 5 younger children, the youngest still in diapers at the time.

My theory is that he could not deal with the fear of loss. He found it easier to reject those who loved him than to worry about losing them. He had never really dealt with the death of his mother a few years previously. He was already brokenhearted about the loss of a career to which he had been devoted.

Once when I said that I feared that he had lost one of our adult daughters permanently, he said that she was the one doing the losing. Although he still sees the youngest four, he is far from close to them - he has called them a handful of times in the 4 years since he left, seems to think that it is their responsibility to maintain a relationship with him.