I've been reading here for a while... I've gotten back in touch with AlAnon... I'm working through the steps... I'm working through MB...

Step 9 in AlAnon says "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

DH is an alcoholic. He is trying to quit. He has put himself into accountablity with our pastor.

I don't want to bash DH over the head with this. I know he will blame himself. I am afraid it will set him back! It's only been a week!!

Is it always necessary to reveal an EA?? Please help. I already have enough guilt!! Now I feel guilty about not revealing! Would it be acceptable to go to another person IRL for accountability??

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 03:39 PM: Message edited by: LosinMyMind ]</small>

^^

There is not another person for you to be accountable "TO" since this was done to HIM and not another person. You owe this information to HIM and only him.

Personally, I would wait a few months until he adjusts to sober life somewhat. Let him get used to being sober and building a support system via AA and his pastor. If you tell him right now, you will knock the legs out from under him just when he is making MAJOR changes in his life. He will have to be told eventually, though.

^^

Hello LosinMyMind:

I am an alcoholic who has been dry for about 14 mos. My W was in an EA last year which was part of my 'wake up call'.

I agree with Melody that you owe this to your H. But YOU are the only one to really know the proper timing for this talk.

For me, I knew something was not right in our M. Finding out about her interest in OM was hard but really not a big surprise.

If you want more perspective from an alciholic, let me know. I visit these boards frequently to better myself and offer whatever I can to others...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me, I knew something was not right in our M. Finding out about her interest in OM was hard but really not a big surprise.

If you want more perspective from an alciholic, let me know. I visit these boards frequently to better myself and offer whatever I can to others...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Gibby... for the perspective... I just feel so very foolish. My EA (???) is over. It was totally online with someone I've never met. It lasted for 6 weeks. (My last contact was 11/21 when I sent him a link to the infidelity on the internet article by Dr. Harley) I am feeling like, was this really an EA?? I never even considered leaving DH as an option... it was just someone to talk to. We didn't have a sexual relationship... (cyber sex is really gross to me!!). Am I justifying my behavior so that I won't "feel" bad? Am I blowing this out of proportion and making it bigger than it was?? (Typical of me)

I don't know... I'm so confused. I know that I am feeling a lot of pain today. But I cancelled the account that I used to "talk" with OM. I can't see that he is "Online". I can't just reach out and click and chat with him when I see him. I think this is the cause of my sorrow today.

DH and I have started working on the EN worksheet this weekend. He has really been very kind this weekend. He seems sincere in his sobriety and in his desire to work on our relationship.

I know this OM came in and it was easy to talk to him, he was lonely too, and we just talked about our spouses, our children, our marriages, our childhood... It felt so good to talk and listen to someone... who was sympathetic.

Well, I've rambled! Gibby... any other input would be welcomed!!

Me--ea for 6 weeks (or was it??)
DH--alcholic...getting a clue??
married 12+ years

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 01:20 PM: Message edited by: LosinMyMind ]</small>

LosinMyMind:

Is your H in AA? If not, I strongly reccommend he attend some meetings. Working with the Pastor is admirable but I KNOW that being with other alcoholics, talking out our issues, and having that support group is the key ingredient to staying dry. The steps are of course critical, but many have failed without the fellowship. IMHO, it is the most important part of staying sober. Next to finding one's higher power, the fellowship and support are 'musts' for me.

Nobody understands a drunk better than another drunk.

Gib

I talked to our pastor today. He does not recommend I suggest AA to DH. (Pastor is an alcoholic; he has been dry for approx 20 years) He says DH is a player and will say what we want to hear. He says I need to continue to be a pillar for the kids and for myself. He says to begin to expect anything from DH would probably send him back to the alcohol. He asks can I hang in there a little longer!! I said I don't think so!! Of course he doesn't know the shame I've allowed myself to sink into.

I am so depressed I feel like crawling into a hole!! OMgosh! How many times have I heard that!! I realized how lonely I was when I was so easily infatuated with an online OM. It just felt good to be acknowledged!! Now, Pastor is saying I may have to be lonely a little longer. Not to expect DH to begin to meet my EN, not to expect this "new high" he's on to last past the next crisis! So, I am feeling left high and dry... to go through this loneliness alone...

How do I keep on and keep on meeting HIS EN's knowing that I am going bankrupt!! We began going over the EN worksheet... He says I am meeting all his EN's. He has said this when we have gone to counseling sessions before... "I am happy with our marriage... we don't have any problems." And honestly, we don't other than I am feeling like a corpse and he is an alcoholic!! LOL

Me-- ea (???) online for 6 weeks.... woke up after reading Dr. H's infidelity on the internet articles!! Last contact(11/21)sent OM the link to that article and then cancelled the account.
married 12+ years
It is wearing me down...who do *I* turn to??

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: LosinMyMind ]</small>

God. "He is the Way, the Truth, and the Light."

Cali

I'm just falling in on the tail end of this one, but i'd like to add:

don't forget the part of step 9 that says "except when to do so would injure them..."

The goal of step 9 is not to beat up on your husband. You're going to have to measure this one for yourself, but you may do well to #1-make ammends at a later time #2-make ammends to yourself and move on or #3-make a living ammends and pledge to yourself, god and/or your sponsor to live differently going forward.

I would also strongly suggest that you consult a sponsor on this one. Or share it at a meeting. Truth that the right answer will reveal itself and it will.