I have been reading this site for several weeks and I was wondering if anyone shared the following experience and, if so, were you able to get past it?

It has been 2 months since D-Day (we are in MC) and my WH has been unable/unwilling to show ANY affection. Our sex life was not great in the year prior to his A but he has shown zero physical interest in me now. He says he loves me but doesn't feel "attracted" to me any more. He has had N/C w/OW since 10/28 and says that he doesn't think about her as much (a good sign). I don't want to put any pressure on him right now, I just want to know that there is hope. We are both very physically attractive people. He is mopey, feels guilty, hopeless, and is confused over whether he actually wants our marriage. All he says is he is trying to "WANT our marriage to work". I will add that he is clinically depressed and has just (within the past few days) started taking anti-depressants.

Also,I have recognized the part I played in creating the A environment in our marriage and have been really working to improve myself. He has acknowledged this and says "you're doing all the right things".

Thanks!
2Success

Here is our story/background:

We've been M for 8 yrs (together 10) and have two teenaged StepDs. My WH's 1st M ended when his W had A (kids were then ages 3 & 5) and left to M OM. H was SO devastated. I felt confident that he would NEVER betray me that way. (Hmmm) Actually, before I became a BS, my H was the only person I knew well who had been through an A. He had shared every detail w/me years ago.

Fast forward to 9/18/02 when I accidentally discovered deleted emails from the OW (a business contact)describing her love for my H while pointing out "highlights" from a night they had spent together. He had responded in a similar tone. The words are burned in to my brain. I confronted him immediately. He admitted it had been EA for several months/PA for 1 month. They had "feelings" for each other. She is also M w/2 small children.

He now says the A is over and, after several false starts, it has been almost a month with N/C. She called him 11/26 to see if they could get together (and find out if he was still working on his marriage - HA), he told her that he was working on it and that they couldn't see each other again. He then told me immediately as well as our MC.

2Success --

I'm sorry for this mess in your life. Yes, physical attraction for one's spouse can and does return -- but not while The Fog is in. In your H's case, he's definitely fog-bound and socked in.

There is hope in these situations but patience is required on your part, along with the right combination of circumstances: NC must mean and be absolutely no contact of any kind and he's got to want to recommit to you and to your marriage.

You've got a good, healthy handle on things. The clinical depression doesn't help matters, nor does his history of his former wife's A, even though that was something that happened to him. False starts at NC are common and it's a very good thing that he told you and your counselor immediately about the call from the OW.

I think he's still disconnecting and while he's still caught-up in that net, attraction for one's mate is usually nonexistent. So...unusual, not a bit. Hard to bear and understand and live through, most definitely. Let's just hope and pray that time and patience will do the job for both of you.

I'm hurting for you and understand completely where you are with this. Please hang in and give it time.

Ammon

Ammon -

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I can only hope that, someday, I can offer the kind of wisdom, encouragement and insight you and others are so willing to share.

My plan is to always know that no matter what happens with my marriage that I will have given it 110%.

Happy Thanksgiving! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
2Success

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 09:49 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

2Success --

Haven't heard from you for a couple of days. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving. We're wondering how you're doing...

BTW, I liked your statement: "My plan is to always know that no matter what happens with my marriage that I will have given it 110%." We've got to emerge from these tunnels with our heads held high.
We've got to KNOW that we've done the right thing and that we've done everything in our power to allow it to work and work right. Good attitude!

Give us a post to let us know that you're still around. We're still here for you...

Ammon

Ammon - Thanks for checking on me.

My H has really changed his attitude and outlook in the last week and a half. He has gone from mopey and depressed to somewhere near his old upbeat personality. I think his anti-depressants have kicked in and he has made it clear that he thinks about the OW less and less every day. He even sincerely apologized for having the affair - before that, he was only sorry that he hurt me.

I've taken the advice of others and decided to try not to worry about the lack of physical attraction/affection (at least for a while)and concentrate on just doing things and having fun together. Because he seems much happier, it has been easy not to discuss our R. except as guided by our MC. It is too early to tell if this new attitude will last.

Also, I had him read this post and then asked what he thought of the advice. He said it sounded like good advice....so, I think it may have helped him to know that his feelings can change.

Has anyone experienced a complete turnaround from the initial claim of "I'm not attracted to you anymore"?