I have never been through so much stuff in such a short period of time, at times I'm sure my head will explode. Thank God for His love. I did my tagline today (below). It helped clear some clutter in my head.
After thirteen years of marriage, I find out my H has had multiple affairs for the past 4 years. He had a unique career which gave him no accountability and put him in immoral surroundings. I had my suspicions, but no proof, his whole job was to lie to people, so he was very good at it. After he announced he wanted a divorce (no explanation) I changed the kind of wife I was...yes I needed some work. I began to be loving, caring, sensual and yes submissive, the wife that God wants us to be (read Intimate Issues) I believe the demons he carried couldn't handle this and he eventually ran away and had a nervous breakdown. That's when I found out about the current affair, and then the others, the pornography, the lies, the spending...all my fault, of course.
Until his deliverance...this in not for everyone, but he was ready, he spued truths to two strangers that he didn't even know were lies. He found Christ for the first time in a real way. He now is in the Word, in therapy, and in group for sexual addiction.
He had lived a lie, a second life I didn't know about. How did he get to that point? How did he approach that first A, with no remorse at the time. He has begged forgiveness, and I gave it to him. That was the easy part.
He is coping with past hurts of sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and years in a cult that used sex to recruit. None of these things I ever knew before.
As for today, as far as I know, he says he has no contact with OW, he has a new career (a honest one) he has no desire to revisit his evil ways and we are friends and lovers again. But, he is not sure about us.
He moved out this week, one book on sexual addiction advises 90 days no sex, even with me. He wants to be sure he loves me, and is not just feeding an addiciton.
Where does that leave me...alone. when he was here it was easier to work at the relationship, today I don't know how to feel. Do I continue to love on him when I see him, or do enact a tough love approach? At least with him away, I know that when he comes back, there will be changes. I will insist on it, he had it easy while he was here. One thing I did early on after DDay was give him back my wedding rings and told him not to give them back to me until he was ready to be a husband. I am glad I did that, because he wouldn't give them back unless he meant it, I need honesty for a change.
I know that God has a plan, and I have faith that we are to get through this to share our testimony.
I started this post tonight with the intentions of asking how to deal with the move out. It's hard not knowing what he is doing. But if he is doing 'bad stuff', would it make a difference? He says he is alone studying the Word, and learning responsibility, but if not...I don't know.
As with everyone here, I have images and memories and junk that constantly reminds me of the horrible things he has done, I try refocus when that happens. Memorize scripture and replace the thoughts with the real Truth.
Anyway, it feels good to get this story down on 'paper'. If anyone out there has delt with sexual addiction espesially, please post back.
Thanks for listening. God Bless

I have to go and get some sleep, but for you, I wanted to share a wesite with you, to read through when you have the time.

www.understandingsexualaddiction.org

If you haven't yet read it, please read "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. Although I went through it rather quickly (I wanted to return it to the library), it still helped me to see a LOT of things about my H and ME!!!

You're right, in that there is nothing you can do in regards to your H right now. I do hope that he is doing what he says he is, and finding the real him, and looking to heal his addiction.

In the meantime, you should focus on you. Are there any SA support groups for family members in your area? There aren't any in my city (although they do have some sexaholics anonymous groups that meet), but I'm going to Al-Anon instead (meeting #2 is on Monday night), b/c the 12 steps are all the same. I'm already feeling more at peace with myself b/c of that decision alone.

Keep on posting, and do not worry if you don't get too many responses... the weekends are dreadfully slow on MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

Hi Faith--

Topie is right; the website to which she referred you is a very good place with a lot of information on sexual addiction (SA.) I post there, and also ordered the book written by the administrator and his wife. I just started it, so I can't give you an evaluation, but I would recommend the site.

I too am married to an SA. The discovery was very hard, for several reasons. My story is long, but to make it short and get to the point, our marriage was the result of an affair in the '90's. We have been married for almost three years. I won't go into the dynamics--my story is somewhere in the older posts under Recovery (What Goes Around, Comes Around.) My husband had been involved in one-night stands, prostitutes for oral sex, and the recent affair. I also found his profile on several adult "match" sites, but that is another horror story in itself!

The point I wanted to make here was this:

With the discovery of the last affair and the addiction itself, one of the hardest things for me to accept was the fact that our own history was based on an episode of his addictive behaviors--an "acting out" episode, so to speak. How could I ever come to grips with this and try to salvage a marriage. Our affair was based on lies and deceit; healing seemed to take a lifetime, but it had been accomplished prior to DDay last summer. Now I had a whole new set of problems to deal with and realizations to deal with. How would I ever do that?

Well, our marriage is holding its own. We are moving slowly into recovery; albeit one slow step at a time. Despite our history, or our ugly beginnings, we are comitted to saving our relationship. Although it started out based on his addiction, it has developed into deep, abiding love that we want to save. It won't be easy, and I wouldn't lie to you telling you that it will be for you either.

Your husband is facing his own set of demons, and believe me, it is hard to watch someone do that. I'm not sure I could have handled it if my husband had wanted a separation to deal with his, so I don't really know how to help you there. Maybe the separation is a good thing; it lets him be alone with the challange, but it sure doesn't make it easy on you.

The images will take a long time to leave your mind; if some of them ever do. It's an old cliche, I know, but I can tell you that they will fade in time. We are only four months into recovery, and although those images still cause a lot of pain, they have decreased in frequency and severity. The ones that do pop up still hurt like H***, but like I said--they are getting farther and fewer between. It is true--time heals; maybe not all wounds, but some....

I did want to let you know that there are others here in the same boat, and we do care. Please keep us updated, and hang in there.

my move

sexually addicted WS moves out 'to heal'
This may be true. However, don't be surprised if you find he moved out to hide his affair(s?) from you. By moving out, he is making it far, far simpler to carry on without you "nosing" around.

I know that God has a plan,
Very true. Let Him be in charge.

I know that when he comes back, there will be changes. I will insist on it, he had it easy while he was here.
But "punishment" is not a way to get him to want to come bac )or stay after he returns).

Topie,
Thank you for the link. I am learning some new things from that site. I haven't found any support groups for the family members in my area yet, although I really haven't looked too hard. I have a good counselor and support from church, but I do need to speak with others who have gone through this.
My Move,
Did your H doubt your relationship was real because of the way you started out? Or has he always wanted to make it work? My H has been unsure of the whole thing. We too started out rocky and he wondered if we were not forced into marriage by our circumstances. But he is also doubting everything he has ever done. He has a lot to sort out.
It is hard watching him go through this. It was especially hard in the beginning, when all attention was on him, and his problems, and his past and his blah blah blah. Hello! Victim over here! (I can also go into pages of all the things he has done, but I have been over it and over it with friends and counselors, now I look to the future.) Since he has been able to see all the pain he has caused, and has stopped blaming everyone else, it's gotten easier to sit back and let God work.
The seperation is actually making it easier on me too. Now I don't have to sit by the window, waiting for him to come home late again. And now he asks if he can come see us, he came by last night and said how hard it is to be away, but it is good for him. He invited us over to his place for dinner. He says he has had no desire to do bad things. I just keep praying. At this point, all I can do is believe what he tells me. But I will probably never stop checking.
Chris,
Gee, it never crossed my mind that he could be moving out for other reasons....sorry, but that thought rarely leaves my mind. All I have is faith, and God IS charge, so whatever the case may be, it is part of the plan to bring us closer to Him. The only thing I have that is honest and true is the Word of God, and it says that - no one can separate us because God has joined us together, Mark 10:9.
As far as the changes when my H gets back, I am referring to accountablity, honesty, contributing time and finances, and loving us. While he was here, I never asked for anything, I waited for him to be ready. Now, he can not come back until he is ready to be a husband. Not punishment.

So anyway,
He is going to thanksgiving with us, that will be nice. He will have to face my family, and they all know what he has done. He is totally focused on God right now. He knows that he has sinned, he has confessed those sins to the Lord and they are dead to him now. When temptation comes, he says he lays it at the feet of Jesus, and God gives him the strength to turn away. He is not afraid to face the people he has hurt and ask forgiveness.

I can't wait until he comes home! I want us to be the Godly couple we never were before! I want it now, but it's not my timing...it's God's, so I wait. He is working in me too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Gee, it never crossed my mind that he could be moving out for other reasons....sorry, but that thought rarely leaves my mind.

You'd be suprised at how many people (me for one) cannot even fathom the idea that it will happen.

Happy Thanksgiving!