I'm hoping that I word this the right way and that you all understand my point here. I'm in a mass of confusion as most of us are. My H has two children from his previous marriage (6 and 4). He has then Wednesday evenings and every other weekend. I love the girls and want the best for them. I know that he struggles since he left our home in buying food and I get concerned for them. So, Wednesday I phoned H and told him I had some leftovers he could have to feed his girls for supper that night if he wanted to stop by and pick them up. He said that he'd thought about coming over anyway so I told him to let me know if he was planning to be here for supper. He said he was. He came over with his girls and spent a couple hours here. We had supper and played some games and laughed, etc. Then my children and I packed up to go to church and he took his girls to his house. We had discussed the weekend somewhat because my sister was coming from out of state and he had the girls again. He would bring them over.

Friday rolls around and I phone him and leave a message on his machine at work as to whether or not he plans to be at my house that evening. About a week ago, we discussed the girls sleeping at my house as he had no bed for them yet, etc. I tell him I need to know if this too is happening. We talk again that afternoon and I question if I'm going to be needing supper for 7 or 4. He says that it's up to me if I wanted him there. I told him that it was entirely up to him if he wanted to be here. He agreed to come over. We ate supper and watched a movie. He told me he had to work the following day and I questioned what he was going to do with the girls. He said that he would have to take them to work with him. He works at a rock quarry where gravel trucks and heavy machinery is and would be the only one working so he'd be in and out and the girls would be unsupervised. I offered for them to stay here and I would watch them and they could see my sister, etc. He stayed at my house until 11 PM. I literally took him by the hand and lead him to the door because I was fearful of what I might say and do since we were alone after the kids went to bed. Yesterday was spent with all the kids at my mother's home. H came to pick up the girls and just hung around the house like nothing was going on between us. My stepdaughter wanted to leave, but he wouldn't do it. She wanted to go to his house and have supper and he said they were going to stay at my mother's for supper. They hung around for a while after eating and then we got ready to leave. I still had the girl's clothes at my house and told him to come and get them and he said he'd be over tomorrow to pick them up, etc.

I'm confused. Should I be allowing all this to go on? Should I be offering to help him out so much? Should I be "allowing" him to come for supper to be at my family's home and act like nothing is wrong and then turn around and go to his house? I almost feel as though he's using me, but I want to believe that he's in limbo and doesn't know what to do. Am I doing the right thing here? I'm in Plan A (suppose to be). I truly don't think this whole "emotional affair thing" is continuing. I'm just really really confused.

Please help me help myself here. I just need to know that I'm doing the right thing by showing him love, but that I'm not going overboard and allowing myself to be a doormat.

SH says that if you FEEL like you're being a doormat, then you're probably doing a great plan A! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your actions were WONDERFUL!! And kudos to you for leading your H to the door to protect yourself and your plan A efforts. I wish I could have done that during my plan A! I would always take it too far, and end up LBing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It sounds to me as though you're finally understanding more about plan A - and being the best you you can be! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Doesn't it feel great inside?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

I was thinking same thoughts as Topie. Sounds like a classic Plan A.

I additionally want to say, what a wonderful way to behave on your part. You got past all the "junk" and were more than considerate in reaching out in a non-threatening (for both of you) way. No matter what happens, you can look back at this time and know you did the right thing, especially when there are children involved.

ferbie,
Where've you been? How about an update? I don't post here that often, but have been following your story. Thinking about you and wondering what's happening with your situation this holiday weekend. Hope things are going well for you.

Almost

^^Bump ^^ Bump !!

ferbie,
Are you out there???

Almost

I'm still here, Almost!!

I actually posted some things on the Emotional Needs board. I am feeling very strongly about the fact that there was never an actually affair involved. I guess it's because my WH is always home or here, or shares his whereabouts with me. There are so many other issues as well.

I'm still in Plan A. I think I'm doing O.K. at times and then other times I feel like I'm failing. My husband was here virtually all weekend, except for time to sleep. He was suppose to bring his daughters over to get a gift my sister who lives out of state had left for them. He came Friday evening for supper. His oldest daughter didn't want to go to his house. She wanted to stay here with me and sleep in her bed here. I told him that would be O.K. I put the kids to bed at 10:30. My husband was just playing a computer game. I went to bed at 11:20. At about 1:00 PM, I heard him leave. He was back Saturday (yesterday) and didn't leave until midnight last night. No mention of him going through things or moving his belongings all weekend. Even though he had ample opportunity to start going through all the things stored in our garage, etc.

He will be here shortly to drop my daughter off. He told me last Sunday that he was not coming home and the sooner I realize that the better off I'll be, but he's always coming around. Sometimes I invite him. He's never told me no. Sometimes he calls and then drops by. He told me last Sunday that he wants to be my friend. He says he just can't live here anymore. I don't understand. I did call a lawyer last Monday. I think I was hurt by what he said on Sunday. We talked about property division and stuff Monday evening, but he basically wants nothing. And every question I asked him was followed with a response of, "I haven't thought about that." So, I'm still confused.

My counselor says to listen to his actions and not his words. His words says he's not coming home, but his actions are saying he hasn't let go.

It's very hard for me to have him around so much and not hug him or kiss him as we always did. It's very hard to hear that he bought new dishes, or his girls a hairbrush for his house, etc. It hurts when he leaves to go to his place or refers to something in our home as mine. Like today, he said, "Do you mind if I put this in your refrigerator until I get back?" That bothers me.

So, that's it in a nutshell.

I'm confused. Don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. Don't know how long I can continue this. Don't know if I should be calling him or anything. I did give him some information from this site concerning "Resentment regarding control, dependency and identity." as he says that I'm controlling.

I hope you might be able to give me some info. on where I should be going with all this.