My XW and I have been divorced for about 6 months now. She moved in with the OM as soon as the paperwork was filed and has stayed their ever since. It has been a very rough 6 months with a lot of FOG. Myself included in the FOG. I had a GF for a while after she left, but broke it off with her because I wanted to see if their was any chance with my XW.

My XW said she was coming home several times, but never did. She finally said she does love me, but couldn't be with me. She said she was going to no contact me.

My XGF who I had had zero contact with while attempted to get my XW back was still there for me. Funny what happens when you are honest with someone. Once my XW realized the GF was still there for me and I was considering giving a real relationship with my GF at try, she laid into me saying all these terrible things about me and the GF. After that tiriad died down, she told me how much she loved me and she wasn't going to let the GF have me. She's called me and talked to me, but I still kept my plans with the GF. I was really torn because I didn't know if she was just playing games or if she really meant it.

The next day I saw my XW and OM together holding hands. They were dressed up real nice and matching. She had a lot of make-up on trying to look her best. I was with my GF we were just dressed as ourselves, but I had my arm wrapped around her. It was a total accident and neither one of us saw each other until it was too late. All 4 of us just smiled waved and continued on.

I was torn over being with my GF when I thought there might be something real left between my XW and I. Yesterday kind of wiped that out and hurt all at the same time. My XW always tells me how terrible her and the OM are doing, but I see different.

Just Friday my XW asked me what would happen if I came back from being with my GF on Saturday and she and her luggage were waiting for me in my house. Then Saturday she is hand in hand with the OM. Granted I was with my GF, but I told my XW I would be with my GF and that my GF and I were going to see what we do have between us.

The only thing I can figure is that my XW thought she could still come back to me even if she stayed with the OM. Once she realized that isn't the case she got scared.

It will be interesting to see how my XW tries to spin this one on Monday.

I certainly haven't been a Saint, but I have tried to be as honest as possible. I feel like I've done as much as I can or ever should have. My problem now is what happens if my XW does leave the OM and attempt to win me back? I don't believe my XW's words, but it would be hard to deny that action. I think she is just playing games and just wants me as a back-up, but what if she is not?

I have let my GF know that the only way my XW may present a problem for us is if she leaves the OM. She won't do that, but the thought is still there. Leaving the OM would mean all the wonderful things my XW has said to me the last few weeks just might be real. If she is just playing games I don't screw up a future I may have with my GF.

One thing I have learned from all of this is as long as you are honest and tell truth you have a chance. You'll never get anywhere by lying.

As for those that will tell me to wait and heal, that is not and option. Circumstances dictate I take a chance with my GF. I don't have the luxury to wait and see with her. I would like more time. In my experience the point of healing is so you'll be strong enough to enter into a relationship without the fear of getting hurt. When you are fearful in a relationship you'll blow it every time. In this case I'm letting my trust in my GF take care of my fear. I know it is a chance I am taking, but she has taken a chance on me.

Last Chance,

Let me ask you a few questions.

1. Are you still in love with your exW?

If you are you really shouldn't be dating GF and leading her on, even if you tell her what you are thinking.

2. Why would you trust your exW, even if she left OM?

She is very likely coming back to you (if she did) because it is EASIER than finding the right man. I am not trying to hurt you here but she is playing games. I think you are right, you are her security blanket. But, do you really want to be with a woman that views you only as a security blanket until someone "better" comes along?

3. You are no longer married and you have every right to search out happiness elsewhere. Are you willing to do that and let exW go?

4. You know the odds are hight that exW's relationship with OM will die. A very very high percentage do die: the lying, cheating, etc. has a way of ruining the "once in a lifetime" relationship. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Are you sure that you would consider the relationship breaking up as a good thing for you?

Must go, but hopefully you will read here abit, learn a lot, and stop and reevaluate your situation carefully.

God Bless,

JL

>>1. Are you still in love with your exW?

Incredibly, beyond a doubt, absolutely no question in my mind.

>>2. Why would you trust your exW, even if she left OM?

A very tough qustion. It would be up to me to meet her needs and never let her forget how much I do love her. I will never trust the same again. She would need to be in counseling as I am.

>>3. You are no longer married and you have every right to search out happiness elsewhere. Are you willing to do that and let exW go?

No, I am not WILLING to let XW go. The choice isn't up to me. She doesn't have it in her to come back. I have to let her go to move on. I may be forced to go against my heart and shut her out.

>>4. You know the odds are high that exW's relationship with OM will die. A very very high percentage do die: the lying, cheating, etc. has a way of ruining the "once in a lifetime" relationship. Are you sure that you would consider the relationship breaking up as a good thing for you?

Dying on its own may be what has to happen. I would take any chance I could get. I know many on here would disagree with me, but that is the truth. Love has no pride. The love is still there between my XW and I. We both know that. The problem is she can't deal with the hurt.

I have read tons, I re-evaluate constantly. I know how serious my situation is for my XW, GF and myself.

I feel like I'm coming to the focal point of my life. What happens in the coming weeks will determine the rest of my life.

I have not been a religious man until recently. I'm about to the point where I am going to just trust to god. I really don't know what to do.

Last Chance, I can see what terrible turmoil you are in. But I think you are exacerbating your emotional distress by continuing contact with your XW and trying to see what happens with your GF. Are you being completely honest with GF? Because if I were in her shoes I would not consider trying to build a relationship with a man whom I knew to be still in love with his XW.

This situation could go on for a very long time with 4 people being unhappy. Please re evaluate your priorities. You could end up in a situation wher you have a relationship with GF and an A with XW!

I hope that helps a bit.

Good luck,
Deluded

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: Moving On With Life ]</small>