how can you tell if your wife's om will turn in to a long term relationship even marriage? people say it is not common. my wife's a has been going on for 18 months. may have stopped but contact recently resumed. all the usual things soul mates, in love, makes her laugh, better lover, writes her poems, cares for her en's. he left his wife about 6 months ago but are not divorcing to my knowledge. is apparently now dating other women but i think my wife would have him back if our m fails. y wife wants separation not divorce even when i threaten her with it. she wants the house the kids and my financial security just not me!! she suggested moving out with kids last week but now admits this is impractical and wants me to move out on my own which seems unfair as i dread the loneliness and it was not me who was unhappy with my life in the first place.

Whatever you do please do not move out of your home. If she wishes to leave then it is her choice. She has been having an affair for the past year and half and putting your health at risk. It seems she just wants your financial security to maintain her affair. This is something you must not allow. You both should seek professional counseling and she must have no contact and show remorse. She seems totally unwilling to do this. She claimed that you were disloyal for telling other people about her affair? (You wrote this in another post). She has to have a screw loose. She is screwing another man for over a year and she claims your disloyal for telling people? I would strongly suggest that you contact a lawyer and understand your legal and financial options. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

thanks for your reply this site is brilliant. i must expand a bit though. you see she was making a big effort with counselling to see if her love for me would come back and apparently it was. i had unfortunately "blabbed" to other people behind her back and had to lie about this for several weeks before she realised people were snubbing her outside school. according to this site and the counsellor i have mucked up big time and this is the way she is making me feel. i didn't protect her and care for her and was not honest. it seems that if you want your spouse back you have to do all the work and take all the blame and hipocricy. it really is hard. she has even tried to stop me talking to friends. i would advise anyone near d day to do their best not to talk to more than one confidential person. people judge and take sides and it splits families although in my case my wife is judging everyone who is judging her and isolating me from them. it is very very difficult. thanks for your care.

Hi EMPC,

I agree with Bryan in that you should NOT leave the family home. Your wife had an affair, and if someone needs to leave, it should be her. No question.

Please tell us what Plan you are in?

God Bless,
Jo

p.s. If you add encapsulated info about your situation on your sig line, it will help members better support you.

<small>[ November 24, 2002, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

i am at the end of a disastorous plan a. unfortunately i didn't discover this site until too late and the mc wasn't good enough. he seemed to back up all my wife's theories in that she was under no obligation to give up the om until i could prove to her that i could meet her en's. i was told to forget about the om and simply try to fill his boots. i found this impossible and have continues snooping to extraordinary degrees but when i snoop i uncover more lies and it is therefore impossible to stop. recently she threatened to contact the om if i continued talking to a good friend, when i stopped i found out by taping her that she was already talking with om and still telling him she loved him. may not be seeing him i dont know. how long can you live in limbo like this?? i cant talk to her now without her starting to shout. this makes her look bad in front of the kids and this is why she wants us to separate to see "if any love comes back" at the moment she hates me intensley for blackening her name around town and not protecting her and showing her that she is "my number one". it seems that the offended has to do all the work in plan a. but if i want to go to plan b and she wont move out i have to otherwise we both have to put up with this toxic situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by empc:
<strong> i was told to forget about the om and simply try to fill his boots. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like a real QUACK to me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It's wrong of her to shift blame. It's a "WE" problem, and please don't let her (or the quack) make you feel like it's a "YOU" problem!

I realize that the WS needs to feel protected...but was the WS protecting the BS while having the A? No! I can also say, I haven't told anyone about my situation because I still feel extreme shame (even though I shouldn't)...but really, who is the WS to deny the BS a much-needed vent with a friend/confidante?

Also, I have to join in here...please don't move out of your house. You didn't do anything wrong, and you need the comfort of your familiar home at this time. If she wants to separate, she needs to leave...don't let her twist it around and make it seem like it's your duty to go.

thanks. i feel obliged to be a bit more candid. i told one close friend out of the area after 2 weeks of bottling it up, he then told another best friend again out of the area. i then told a work colleague who told other colleagues. i then told my sister who told my brother. my w mother asked me if she "had found someone else" and i couldn't stop myself from saying "yes". the mc told me it was " highly unusual" for someone to tell the offending spouse's mother and this made me feel worse and her more angry. unfortunately people judge before they support and their loyalties are immediately divided which puts more pressure on the marriage. advice tends to be negative and legally orientated. tell me the truth i have mucked up big time haven't i ??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by empc:
<strong> i cant talk to her now without her starting to shout. this makes her look bad in front of the kids and this is why she wants us to separate to see "if any love comes back" at the moment she hates me intensley for blackening her name around town and not protecting her and showing her that she is "my number one". it seems that the offended has to do all the work in plan a. but if i want to go to plan b and she wont move out i have to otherwise we both have to put up with this toxic situation.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, first off, she has blackened her own name by having an affair. Her name is BLACK because of HER BEHAVIOR, not yours. You didn't blacken it, that is twisted logic. It is always best to expose the affair because it puts pressure on the adulterees to end it. It removes all that secrecy.

Secondly, your counselor sounds like a nut who has done nothing more than ENABLE the affair and facilitated an impending seperation. A seperation will be extremely destructive to your marriage. Instead of wasting money on a destructive MC, have you thought of counseling with the Harleys?

Almost ALWAYS, the WS moves out so they can resume the affair unimpeded. I have no doubt that is her goal here. She can't "find love" if you are not there.

In the meantime, please read up on lovebusters because it sounds like you are doing alot of that. Yelling at her will only push her away and allow her to demonize you and justify the affair.

empc,

Why should it be your responsibility to cover up her bad behavior? You shouldn't help her hide her affair and enable it. If she doesn't want people to know, then she shouldn't do it. Steve Harley recently counseled someone here to do everything SHORT OF putting up billboards to expose the affair. OF course, the affairee doesn't like it, no one likes paying the consequences for their bad behavior, but it does help in bringing the affair to a faster end when the light of reality is cast on it. You didn't do anything wrong, except choose a nut for a counselor.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong>empc,
You didn't do anything wrong, except choose a nut for a counselor.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll second that one. Stay away from any MC who tries to blame you for the A in anyway. You may be responsible for the condition of your M, but you are not responsible for the A! I would also look for a MC who believes in fixing the M, not one who tries to give you an out if they think that's what you want.

Michael

OK...to answer your question...yes, you screwed up by telling...but your real mistake was lying about it. However, there isn't a darn thing you can do about it now. Hope you've told her that you're sorry that the few people you confided in didn't keep your confidence. AND that you're really sorry that you lied to her when she asked if you had told.

I agree with others...do NOT move out of the family home, do not leave your children, do not allow her to take them with her if she should leave! In this day, a faithful father has a better then even chance of keeping custody of his children if it does come to that. Keep the possible future in mind. I know you want to reclaim your marriage...but don't hide your head in the sand...make sure that if things don't work out as you wish, your rights are protected to the house and to the children. jmho

While it's true that you didn't "protect her", neither did she "protect you" when she choose to begin her affair, nor is she protecting you by continuing it.

I find it very unusual that a counselor would encourage her to continue the affair and tell you to ignore it. Something sounds "not quite right". I'd find a new counselor. jmho

Believe me...you could not have snooped anymore then I did. I snooped everywhere, all the time, until I was "nuts". I did however make no bones about the fact that I was going to be "snooping" and checking. While I'm sure my H wasn't pleased about this, he had the choice of either making it harder or easier...either way, I was going to do it. BUT...I never, ever lied about it. I was very honest about my snooping. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I also agree that separation is not the answer if at all possible. It hard to work on the marriage, when your marriage partner isn't there. It's a joint effort.

But...until she agrees and stops all contact with this OM, then both of you are just "spinning your wheels". There is no way that she can work on the marriage, when she is continuing the affair...and contact is continuing the affair. Doesn't matter if they don't have physical contact...they are still involved if they speak, write, etc.

thanks for your efforts. it is 6am here after only going to bed at 1.30. couldn't sleep with all the questions in my head. the latest one is would going for divorce bring her to her senses?? it seems to be the one thing she is afraid of although both of us threaten it. does it make some people come to their senses? my gut feeling is that it would push her away completely and get really messy. i feel empowered when i threaten it and sometimes it is the only time she gets anywhere close to being nice for a few minutes but then she goes on the offensive again.

Here is link to a thread that you may find helpful…. [url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=020829#000001]Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters[/b]

There is no reason why you could not, or should not, tell people about her affair. She is the one who tarnished her own name. Not you. It is not your job to enable her affair.

From all you have said, you have really misunderstood Plan A. MB does not require the BS to put up with disrespect and abuse. If your wife cannot hold her own temper and speak civily too you than she has a serious anger management problem. Perhaps she needs to move out until she gets control of herself. But what ever you do, do not leave the marital home and your children. Please see an attorney to protect yourself and your children from this.

As for your counselor. I agree with everyone. Get rid of him as fast as you can. Most marriage counselors do more harm then good. They tend to help a person end their marriage and accept this fate than to save the marriage.

You cannot tell at this stage if the OM will turn into a long-term relationship. But it would be very unlikely. The reason that affairs seldom turn into long-term relationships this that the affair never meets all of both parties emotional needs. Generally, the BS is meeting a significant portion of the WS’s emotional needs. The OP is just filling in the unmet ones. So once the WS leaves the BS, there is suddenly a huge void of unmet needs. The WS will not put pressure on the relationship with the OP. Since the WS/OP relationship was not based on a foundation of meeting 100% of anyone’s needs it falls apart.

IMHO, you have a serious problem here. The members of this forum are not professional counselors. Is there any way you could have at least a couple of session with the Harley’s? I think you really need it.

this is for empc dude drop her nom she is fing around you can get the kids and pay her nothing do it she is only in it for the money