For those that don't know, my h is Military and the OM was a freind and close co worker of h. My H had Surgery and was off work for 5 weeks. He was to go back today, but he did not sleep at all last night so this am, he said 'screw it' and went back to bed.

Well about 750am there was a knock on the door, I was getting the kids ready for Preschool and H was still in bed. I figured it was work, because they had already called once( did not answer phone). But never in my wildest nightmare did I think it would be OM.

So would you believe I don't even remember what he said? I know it had to do with h going to work, but my mind was spinning a mile a minute.He 'looked' at me with those eyes and I felt like he was trying to convey SOMETHING.

so then I had to tell h who had come by and i felt terrible. It wasn't my fault that OM came by, but I had the A .... and ruined everything.So now I am worried about H laying in bed , he is sighing. What is he thinking? Is is wondering what I am thinking? I am hoping he doesn't ask because I don;t want to lie, but he would know if I was lying. Yes I still think about him and yes I still care deeply for him.Yes its a good think I am not around him cause i don't trust myself around him. Do you know how terrible that makes me feel that after ALL the **** i have but my H thru that I still feel like i couldn't trust myself around OM?!?!? OMG I feel like the lowest life form on earth! It scared me to think I would slip right back into it if I had the oppertunity.

so while all this is going on in my head, my knees are shaking. The phone rings and its him. He introduces him slef by his rank and last name Ssgt Johnson. I feel like saying ' you moron we ****-ed the least you could say is hi this is KEVIN!!!!!!!!!! So I give the phone to h, having to tell him its the OM and he proceeds to talk on the phone to him like they are best buds. Like nothing happened. Like this OM did not **** his wife. I am thinking this is so insane!?!?!?! I want to pull my hair out , how can you speak to him like that I want to ask?How can they do that to each other like that?

So anyways... no I am back a few steps after seeing OM. I keep telling myslef all the bad things.... he used me, he did not love me, he frequents strip clubs, etc etc. It helps some, but ugh I keep asking myself why do i still care about this man? Am I insane?WHY did he have to come to my house and LOOK at me that way????Now I am angry at him for doing that to my"recovery".

well thanks for letting me vent, i feel a bit better now. I just need to get back on track and not think about OM anymore.( Which I hadn't with any feelings until today)

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: nobody special ]</small>

Have you sent OM a "no contact" letter? If not, consider writing one and allow your H to read it and watch you mail it.

By the way, isn't it a fact that military, and maybe the Marines in particular, have a stern view of adultery? If OM was a co-worker of a Marine, this likely makes him a Marine too, right? If, after you tell him to leave you alone and he doesn't, you have this fact at your disposal.

WAT

Hi Somebody special.

You are NOT "the lowest life form on earth" and it is good that you are scared because fear can be a healthy emotion that can warn you and help you avoid putting yourself in a dangerous situation.

You were wonderful in telling your H that OM came to the door because now you are showing him thru your actions that you are sincere in being honest and faithful to him.

Frankly I beleive that OM knew that you were going to be that would answer the door and deliberately did it to get himself inside your heart. This man has no honor and should be booted out of the military for his abominable behavior.

I would suggest that you tell your H what you told us regarding the impact OM had when he came to the house and how you do not trust yourself in being alone with him. Sure it might hurt your H to hear you say this but deep inside he'll be thankful that you are being honest with him and that you are doing your utmost best to be the best wife he could have. If your H is wise, he'll love you more for it than before.

I was told a long time ago by a martial arts master that true strength comes from acknowledging your weaknesses first and foremost. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for Somebody special.

ditto the CoffeeMan. Well stated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nobody special:
<strong>So I give the phone to h, having to tell him its the OM and he proceeds to talk on the phone to him like they are best buds. Like nothing happened. Like this OM did not **** his wife. I am thinking this is so insane!?!?!?! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know your who story, but does you H know about the A and who the OM is? This raises something I have always wondered about. To me no contact should mean no contact....for the BS and the WS.

Michael
Me 39(40 soon, yuck!)
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I give the phone to h, having to tell him its the OM and he proceeds to talk on the phone to him like they are best buds. Like nothing happened. Like this OM did not **** his wife. I am thinking this is so insane!?!?!?! I want to pull my hair out , how can you speak to him like that I want to ask?How can they do that to each other like that?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Somebody special, it's very important that you tell your H how his demeanor towards OM made you feel and ask him why is he being treating him so buddy buddy considering what he did to him. Don't hide your feelings to your H because he, like a lot of us guys, may be acting thoughtless of how his behavior is affecting you. If you want emotional intimacy with your H then you are going to have to show him what his actions are doing to you. Let him know that it's bad enough to have to deal with the presence of OM once more in your life without adding the actions of him treating OM like he did nothing.

Hi NS,

I echo what everyone else has said.

But also, I think your H may be trying to act as civil as possible to OM thinking it's what YOU may want.

You have an opportunity here to sit down with your H and tell him all your feelings. COMMUNICATE! Tell him everything, how you feel about OM's visit and his looking at you, tell him how you want your marriage rebuilt and every time there is ANY contact you digress back to square one.

This of ALL times is the best time to show a united front, to be a TEAM in rebuilding. And to show OM his antics will not be tolerated by either of you.

Best,
Jo

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

First I just want to thank you all. When ever I have a crisis I can come here and you all turn it around in a positive way. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Now before I told H about A, I broke off all contact with the OM> I sent him an email saying it was over etc etc, not to email me, that I was blocking his email and deleting his . I did tell H about that and he felt it was an acceptable NC letter.

H works with OM very closely( they share a desk at work) and so he has to speak with him through out the day about work related things.H is head of the shop so he really has no choice, somethings have to go thru him.They were really close freinds.

I did talk with H about how I felt... I told him seeing OM made alot of feelings come back, and that I never wanted to see him at my front door again or hear his voice on the phone. I said I would like him to do it, but that I felt that It was my responsibility to do it and so would . He said for me to do it.

Is an email an acceptable NC letter? Or should H hand deliver the NC letter? And can some one give me a general guidline to follow?

thanks so much!

I would mail a letter (not email), one that is blessed by your husband.

Then I would make sure that within the content of the letter you are stating that you AND YOUR HUSBAND are insisting on no-contact. That you love your H and want your marriage, that the affair was a horrible mistake. That as a TEAM this is both your decision.

I would even go as far as to have your H sign it along with your signature.

If you were to email this, the OM may simply assume your H was not party to this decision.

Good luck Hon,
Jo

Ok here is the NC letter I was thinking of sending.

I told my best freind about it and she was not very supportive:( Of course this is the one who was giggling right along side of me durring the A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .She said it sounded too extreme. Even though she is my best freind I feel I can no longer confide to her my feeling on the A. SHe is an enabler and she doesn't help me on my road to recovery.
Please tell me how this sounds.

I was very selfish to cause Chris so much pain.There is nothing in this world that I can do to take back the pain i have caused Chris by having an affair with you. I could say " I am sorry" every day for the rest of my life it would still not be enough to express my regret over my actions.

He is my husband, and I love him with all my heart and soul.

We are asking you to never come to our house again.We understand there are work dealings, fine. Send someone else.We don't care what excuse you give,we never want to open the door and see you standing there ever again. We are also asking you to never call our house again. If you need to contact Chris,do so thru the Cell Phone ***-1480.

I am committed to making my marriage work.I have promised Chris that I would not see or contact you again.Please resect my wishes that you no longer have contact with me.

Someone special-

I think that's a very concise and effective letter you've drafted. I applaud your honesty and wish you and your husband all the happiness and joy you can stand in the future.

PS Be careful of any advice offered by that "best friend"

I spoke to H about yesterday again. The OM coming to the house, the phone calls by him etc. He said when he talked to him on the phone like that he has too. He compartmentalizes the feelings or he wouldn't be able to control himslef. I can understand that.

He gave me his approval to send an email to OM So I did, it was a version of the one I posted above, I just added a few things, and hopefully he will get the picture.

Overall yesterday went really well, I thought it would be a set back for H, but it wasn't. It was just a set back for me, LOL.

Still foggy from yesterday , but the sun is trying to burn though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am happy to see that you and your H are standing together in this. Your email to the other man was point blank and simple. I have to ask though. Is the OM your H's boss or just a friend? Also, I am sorry that your friend treated you like that. I guess in times like these that we find out who are friends really are.

Indy

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 07:02 AM: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</small>

Om actually works 'under 'h because my h is what is called the 'lead instructor'. But they are the same rank , so they are like same same. They were very good freind H always called him his right hand man. Ironically , used that to justify my A, if my H liked him, I thought he HAD to be a great guy, because h has very little respect for ANYONE.

I understand about the lead instructor. If I may ask. What does you H teach in the MC?

I understand about the right hand man thing. The MC is a very close net group. There aren't many of us in this world and that means that we have to depend on one another more than you would in the other services. I personally think that the OM dishonored the uniform that he wears to work every day. I feel that way because we have the core values that the MC lives by. Those are Honor, Courage, and Commitment. He violated all three and your H is a strong man to be able to be in the same room with him.

Indy

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: INDY_357 ]</small>

H is in avionics..navigation and commumication stuff for the Harriers