Well, I have new problems. Remember husband said on sept. 30th, that I could stay? Things started getting a little better. Then I found out that I had to have a hysterectomy on Oct. 11th. My surgery was Nov.4th. He has done a lot to help me through it, but now a few days ago, he said he wanted me to leave again. He changed his mind. He has told me that part of him wants me to leave and part of him wants me to stay. He is afraid that he will regret it if I leave and he might regret it if I stay. He recently got into this exercise program and he has included me, but I cannot do it until Jan. when I am healed. When he gets in these moods I just don't know what to do. All of the promises I made to him had to be put aside because of this dang surgery. He told me he had given me enough chances, but I complained that it was not a fair chance since I can't do anything right now, so he said I could stay. I am flying to MS. to visit family on Dec. 18th. I will be gone for two weeks. I am worried that he will see that he likes it better when I am gone. I hope not. He is still being affectionate to me and he says that he does love me. He just doesn't know if he will ever love me the same as before, and he still has these mental pictures in his head. I do have a return ticket.lol. By the time I get back the weather will be too bad for me to leave. He said he had similar thoughts about this trip, like the last one. "Do I tell her not to fly home and to just make plans to leave?" Well he told me again that we would wait and see what happens. I hate to see him hurting and undecided. Sometimes I feel I should leave to spare him anymore pain, but he is not sure that is what he wants. He said what if he could get over it and I was already gone? Doesn't want that either. So confussed myself I don't know what to do. I know that I don't want to end my marriage, but what can I do to make it better. It has been over a year since I told him, and still here we are. Help!!!!

Hi GTF,

Good to hear from you and that your surgery went well. As for your H, how much of MB info have you shared with him? You know the book His needs/her needs may help. Is he willing to go to counseling?

You know I watched the Martin and Lewis movie last night and all the pain that Dean Martin's first wife Betty went through and how he gave that famous WS line as he was walking out "it's me not you", was just too painful. The confusion and anguish on his face was realistic and how he walked into 'Jeannie's open arms' made me feel every bump in his relationship. He never really seemed like a happy man. Both H and I watched it and H got mad when our son came in the room right when Dean's 1st wife confronted him about the A and she was crying and asking him what had she done to deserve this. Our take on it was different. H still believes that babble line is the genuine reason but I think it is a WS' conflict avoider's babble excuse. Hm...... gotta think about that one.

Your H still sounds very very unsure about himself. Does he have a lot of internal anger? Is he basically unsteady in his other dealings? Just questions to think about, you don't need to share them here.

I recommend that book, also I think there are a few other good ones you might benefit from. If you change your topic line to ask for more help, I am sure others will jump in.

take care,
L.

hi orchid,
I did what you said and got no responses. I take it that no one is really interested in talking with me. I thank you for your reply. I try to work these thoughts out in my own head. He tells me that if he didn't want to see where this would go, I would not be here. I guess I will have to wait and see. Since the surgery, I am not able to work on myself improvement right now, and I guess deep down that is what is bothering me. I promised him some things before the surgery, and now I can't do them because of it. It has really depressed me. Just going through the surgery is emoitional enough. I fear going home and coming back only to find out he feels better with me gone. I don't know what else I can do. It seems that I have had one excuse after another since we moved here a year ago. First ther was the broken tooth that I did not get fixed until may 20. At the same time I was so depressed moving away from my family. Now this surgery. He doesn't want to talk to anyone about our problems. Do you see it as a good sign that I am still here? I try to. I want very much to come back at the end of Dec. to make things better. What else can I do? Seems that you are the only one that will answer me, and I thank you dearly for that!!!!!

Hi GTF,

What I asked was that you rename this thread. Then you wouldn't have to monitor more than 1 thread. You can still do that.

Ok, well unforeseen events have happened. Happens to the best of us. What is he doing in addition to your actions? Guys have a harder time adjusting to issues. Guy thing? I think so. Women seem to adapt better. So try both reading that book about his needs/her needs. See if it will help.

Rename this thread and bump it up. Don't worry about not getting quick responses..... there are a lot of new ones here..... it is not the fact that you are not important, ok???

hugz,
L.

Thanks Orchid,
I did rename my thread to "Please! Need good advice. I do understand His needs, Her needs. I guess the problems is I haven't been able to meet his most important need. Before the surgery, it wasn't enough. Mainly because of the pain it caused me. Now the surgery and recovery. I have at least another week before we can, if ya know what I mean. I hope that it will enable me to feel sexy and give more of what he wants. He has told me that he wants me to be more like I was in the beginning of our relationship. I did sexy things to him all the time. He misses that. With that said, I will give my best effort now and after I get back from my trip. Thank you!