Just over three weeks ago I discovered my partner had been having an affair for the last three months. As soon as I found out she broke it off and we sat and talked the days away trying to work it out. The other guy refuses to take no for an answer and despite her changing her mobile number still calls her at work, it really sounds like she's telling him no clearly - he's just not hearing it. These conversations really upset her, we have been very honest with each other and she openly admits to still having feelings for this person and missing what she got from the relationship - Hard to hear but it seems the physical sexual side of the relationship was fantastic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> / She says that ours was too, but we drifted out of it and she felt unwanted, unattractive and unloved. She says that she became a more base person during the affair and also fed off his adoration. She really wanted to be loved and adored and I messed that up!

The thing is that this hurts like Hell but at least it feels like I'm dealing with the truth.

I love her and really want to make our relationship work and have fundamentally changed my view of where I want our relationship to be sited in our lives. in the past I was undemonstrative and tried to keep some distance in our relationship.

Thanks to Dr Harley I understand that her feelings towards this person are a natural part of the process - still hurts like hell though; this hanging in the wind "being there" for her while she goes through it is real painful stuff. From what she is saying and doing she seems committed too, but I am so scared.

I really want to fill the needs she was getting elsewhere and would love to build a fantastic passionate relationship - but my confidence is at rock bottom. Obviously sex is out of the question for both of us at the moment. But I am terrified of her still wanting/fantasising about him as we rebuild all the aspects of our relationship and me not measuring up. I have told her this and she seemed pretty adamant that if she believed that we couldn't fill her needs she wouldn't be here.

I believe she loves me and wants to build a future together but she is so upset, confused and hurt at the moment, that there's nothing I can do - I feel so vunerable and helpless its unbelievable.

We are on waiting list for counselling

Anyone got any advice?

Hi,
I see how you must feel - the rollercoaster doesnt seem to stop, right? but you know the answer: given the circumstances, to quit now would lead you to question for the rest of your life whether you took the right decision. there's only one way to find peace, and that is to go & see some councelling with your WW and try to re-build the relationship. if it doesnt work out - fine, but at least you've tried.
N

Cheers Nick, but there's no way I'm walking away, so long as she wants me I'm going nowhere - I'm just scared hurt and confused. But I know if I want it to work I have to take it on the chin!