My whole story is in Just Found Out, but basically OW is H's friend (thought she was mine too before all this). H is saying he wants to work things out, he says that nothing else is going to happen between them but he doesn't want to lose her as a friend. I think that friendship should end but I don't want to "control" him (this was an issue for us in the past). How do I get my point across that her presence in his life is inhibiting our progress towards recovery without flat out telling him that he's either my husband or her friend and he can't be both? I already told him I don't want her in our home anymore and he agreed to that. I just don't know how to get him to not be around her without him feeling like I am trying to control him and make his decisions for him. He thinks that they can still be friends--maybe it's possible but I think he should just cut ties with her in light of the situation. All comments and advice welcome. In other words somebody help me please!!

Have you read anything on here about a "no contact" letter. He needs to send her one TODAY. It should say that he has decided to stay with his family and his wife and is going to try to make his marriage work. He will not be having any contact with her - no emails, letters, calls, meetings, voice messages, etc. She needs to abide by his wishes and not to contact him as well. It should not say "I'll miss you" or "We'll still be friends". He should let you read the letter if you want. Then mail it to her or have a trusted friend give it to her.

This advice can be found all over the posts, on this website and in the book "Surviving an Affair" which is also available for purchase on this website. Buy the book and read it. I did and as soon as I'm done my WH is going to read it too.

My WH thought he could be friends with the OW, too. He said to me, "Is that what kind of friend I want him to be, one that turns his back on a friendship?" Is that what kind of friend I want him to be - one that has sex with other people?????NNOOOO!!!!

Do it today or you aren't really getting anywhere.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostbuthopeful:
<strong>My whole story is in Just Found Out, but basically OW is H's friend (thought she was mine too before all this). H is saying he wants to work things out, he says that nothing else is going to happen between them but he doesn't want to lose her as a friend. I think that friendship should end but I don't want to "control" him (this was an issue for us in the past). How do I get my point across that her presence in his life is inhibiting our progress towards recovery without flat out telling him that he's either my husband or her friend and he can't be both? elcome. In other words somebody help me please!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your husband is playing "cakeman" right now. he wants to keep you both.
Unfortunately there is no happy medium. It will come down to the marriage or the "friend" and he will have to choose, unless you want to continue to get walked on and let him manipulate you. Him wanting to be her "friend" is a HUGE slap in the face to you and he is using the "control" card as a manipulation tool to continue being selfish and doing pretty much what he wants. I've pretty much learned that married people have no business being "friends" with people of the opposite sex unless the spouse is also with them when they see each other or talk, or the friendship is simply an office acquaintance with no contact outside of work. The only way our marriage survived was for him to completely break off ALL contact with the OW. She had to cease to exist in our world. And he non knows my new stance on female "friends". He obviously can't handle having them. I was such a trusting fool before, never again. He'd tell me about this poor, pathetic little wretch of a girl in his office, and how "sorry" he felt for her and all her poor pitiful problems, and I'd sit and listen and say "Poor thing, that's too bad". Personally I never felt the need to have sex with my desperate, needy pathetic "friends" but I guess he has/had a different idea of "friendship" than me.

fairy dust touched on a point that I want to elaborate on. The subject of having friends of the opposite sex. Many of us couples in recovery have had to address this, set some ground rules and agree to abide by them. Personally, I would not want my H remaining friends with any of his premarital girlfriends especially the ones he was sexually active with. This is a non-issue on my side as I was a virgin when I married. When we married, this wasn't even discussed, it was understood. He knew he was not going to be able to keep ties with old girlfriends AND be able to be the husband he should to me. It seems strange that it can be obvious in that situation, but not so when an A has been committed.

Some posters here have suggested some of the following as ground rules for friendships with the opposite sex. Hopefully some of those posters will respond to help you out. Can your H say without a doubt that he will follow these:

1. No alone time with a member of the opposite sex. That means, no lunches, no car rides/car pooling, no closed office doors, no walking a colleague to their car.

2. No expressions of personal feelings should be exchanged with a member of the opposite sex. No compliments, no discussing of problems etc. And if the other person begins discussing these things, the conversation should quickly end, or the spouse should begin talking about how much they love their mate and how wonderful they are. (personally I like the quickly end option the best!!)

See, here's the problem, he's already violated #2, and what he's said and done with her can not be erased. I know you understand that, but apparently he doesn't.

My opinion, you can either stand your ground now, or be forced to stand your ground later when he's renewed the A and you have to decide whether to move out or not!

My H ended his A before I found out about it. He says it ended on a "let's be friends" note. I don't know how the 2 days they worked together before I found out went. I don't know if they continued acting as usual between each other, or if there was an uncomfortability between them, or if they just weren't assigned to be around each other for those two days. To ask him now would probably not provide much insight as it has been almost a year ago. After I found out, he began to see how obvious it was that they could not remain "friends" if he wanted to heal his marriage. Her whole premise of remaining friends was to keep the door open to future possibilities. He may have been thinking the same thing at first, but I think he was also thinking that by remaining "friends" it meant that there would be no hard feelings about what happened. After the fog begin to clear, he realized that they had never been real friends to start with. I pointed out that real friends look out for the best interest of each other, and no true friend thinks it in the best interest of a friend for them to desert their spouse and 2 small children, lose their job, lose their respect in the community, lose their relationship with God, become an outcast from their family (parents/siblings), and lose life as they know it just to have sex with a "friend."

If that's the definition of a friend, I don't want one!!!!

<<<He'd tell me about this poor, pathetic little wretch of a girl in his office, and how "sorry" he felt for her and all her poor pitiful problems, and I'd sit and listen and say "Poor thing, that's too bad".>>>

I wish I had a dollar for everytime I listened to EXACTLY the same thing. I hope everyone here knows that this kind of stuff is an enormous, flashing, bright blinking red flag and that the spouse has got to put a screeching halt to it IMMEDIATELY IF NOT SOONER.

I'm kicking myself every day, now, because I just sat there and let it go on without even trying to stop it. It's true you can't make anybody do anything they don't want to do, but I should have at least tried a lot harder to protect my marriage instead of being worried about "nagging."
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Nobody else was going to protect it. I sure wish, now, that I had.

Hear, hear pschyob. I wish I had turned up the volume on the bells and whistles blowing around me as well. I guess we get too trusting, too comfortable, too settled. I think we need to live on the edge a little more. Be a little more concerned about our marriages. I know I will be from now on.

I started to wonder if I really cared. I knew something wasn't right but didn't know if I cared. When I found out about the affair it was literally like someone punched me in the stomach. I doubled over, clutched my stomach and let out a cry. I guess I cared after all!!!!!