i hear a lot about the fog on these boards but haven't yet got a good understanding of it. as mentioned on other topics i have really messed up plan a by telling people about my wife's affair and lying to her until it was obvious how many people know. she is incredibly angry about this and i can see her point. she is now verbally abusive to me, get angry with my snooping although i only do it because it always uncovers lies if it didn't i would stop. are we blaming our mistakes on this "fog" idea just because things go wrong?? it is 4 months now post d day things went well for a few weeks until my talking was discovered. she was trying initially but now doesn't see the point and in fact hates me so much she can't stand to look at me because it reminds her of what i have "done". should i blame myself for mucking up plan a or should i just sit back and think i am ok because she is in this fog?? how long does it last? thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by empc:
<strong> are we blaming our mistakes on this "fog" idea just because things go wrong?? >>> or should i just sit back and think i am ok because she is in this fog?? how long does it last? thanks</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, for my WH the "fog" manifested itself as totally weird, uncharacterisitc behavior. Like the "bizarro world" version of my husband. Even his best friend since elementary school said "I have no idea who this person is, he's certainly not the guy I've known for 25 years."
To start off with he completely lost touch with reality. Saying things like "I'll go ahead and keep the house. You can get an apt. and I'll pay the rent for afew months until you get back on your feet." Sure, you keep the house that we built together, and all the equity, and I get free rent for afew months.
He is was 35 at the time with an executive level job. He suddenly decided he "can't handle the responsibility of being married" and wanted "things to be like they were when I was in college". He started hanging out at college bars with the OW (who was 22, but had never been to college). He had previously hated cigarettes, and had never smoked, but suddenly became a chain smoker. started binge drinking (his previous drinking would be one or 2 beers on the weekend) and smoking lots of pot (which he hadn't done since college).
He also said (and I really do think he beleived this) "Even though we won't be married we will always be best friends.." With friends like that, who needs enemies lol. He no longer wanted his beloved dog because he "didn't like dogs anymore."
And of course he initally blamed everything on me, even if he really had to grasp at straws to do so. The list goes on and on.
But as he started to come out of it his old personality returned and he pretty much ended up taking back most of the things he had previously said.
His A lasted 6 months (5 months out of that time we were separated). The fog was THICK at first, started to lift after about 2 months, but came and went, was almost totally gone when he moved back in for the final time (2 brief false reconciliations earlier).

thanks for the reply but i am a bit disheartned as it doesn't sound like my w is in the fog and therefore maybe i am to blame for her behaviour and anger. no change of personality here although perhaps a severe exageration of the old one. was always short tempered and never able to apologise always right and wanted everything done her way and at her time, would always look for the mistakes i made and never the good things. this is all much worse now and she holds none of it back because she hates me. maybe this is for perhaps i've talked myself in to it - feel a bit better. anyone else got an opinion? thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by empc:
<strong>thanks for the reply but i am a bit disheartned as it doesn't sound like my w is in the fog and therefore maybe i am to blame for her behaviour and anger.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you aren't. But she is choosing to take it out on you so that she doesn't have to accept responsibility for her own actions. Pretty typical behavior. Tell me this - Does she get angry/annoyed when you try to do nice things for her? That is also typical. Shortly before My WH moved out he flew into a rage because I made him a really special dinner. He screamed "Stop being so nice to me!" Doing nice things for a WS oftenmakes them angry, because their guilt intensifies.

Do not, I repeat, do not think that you are all to blame. I made the same mistake and I will tell you that it gets you nowhere. I have realized that all the anger and bizarre things that come out from the person that is my W are simply because she feels guilty and does not like herself for what she has done. Use what you learn here and keep on plan A as long as you are comfortable with that. Find a MC using Harley's guide and go by yourself if you have to. Get up off the canvas. You can do it. Fight for what you want(nicely of course).

I posted about the fog last week. This was Cali's response to me! It was very enlightening.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
FOG is...

confusion.

fantasy.

contrary words and actions.

acting out of character.

reality doesn't match beliefs.

not being authentic.

knowing what is true, but living like it's not.

living as if our dream of the world we created is true.

FOG. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

thanks everyone i feel better before going to bed alone. yes she does get mad even if i do nice things. she wont accept the offer of a cup of tea or the offer of getting her favourite foods from the store - these 2 examples happened today. i was cornered as usual and made to listen to her well worn version of events outling my failures over and over again. i know it backwards and it is interlaced with rhetorical questions which she makes me answer. its a bit like being in court facing the prosecution i can only anwer her questions and am not allowed to make a point of my own. i ask her if all this repetion helps she says it does but it cant be because she has been doing it all the time for 2 months now. i console myself that we are presumably still in conflict and she hasn't withdrawn if i understand correctly. i am hoping that she is just getting this all out of her system and will then be more reasonable. she says dont wait around for this - she doesn't see why she has to move on and start to like me again. an earlier reply gave me consolation in the fact that maybe we understand the ws better than they do themselves at this stage.