Ok, so it is now the 2 year mark..... just watched the Martin and Lewis movie last night and boy the pain of Dean Martin leaving his 1st wife really hurt. H didn't even want our child in the room (scene where DM told his 1st W after she confronted him with the A that he was leaving and it was not her fault). heart wrenching scene. DM babbled the same WS line we have all heard before. See this babble stuff is OLD!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I didn't realize how much of an impact this would have on me. I had been dreading this weekend and today for a while but this morning I had an anxiety attack just before I was to wake up. My shoulders were in pain, my hands and feed could not keep still, my neck was stiff, ooohhh yuck....

Of course I needed reassurance that there was no contact between H and PBR. According to him there has not been any since we sent that last e-mail telling her that her e-mails were not welcomed and to go irritate someone else. Good.

My other boundaries are now starting to show up. Over 1 year later, I now need to see and feel commitment. Conflict avoiding actions and non-communication is not acceptable. Hm.... he seems to be taking it in stride better. We'll see.

The needs of the BS are now surfacing. Just hope the wave of these needs don't overwhelm him. But even if they do, I can't stop the momentum. ya know?

There have been other family issues outside our immediate family....... this has added stress but what else is new? It is more his family than mine yet he is letting me deal with it for us and I am including him on the decision making portion that has been given to us. The family meetings are encouraging the family to pull together and we are seeing good progress there. So many of H's siblings have major issues due to the dysfunctional actions of his parents.

So that is how it has been.....just wanted to catch a few you that have been asking.

Aloha,
L.

Hi Orchid,
I'm glad to see an update.

I watched LIFE AS A HOUSE (Kevin Kline) the other night...and my heart hurt with the dynamics in that film. I also caught another old Kline movie with Tracy Ulman where he's a serial cheater and she repeatedly tries to kill him and he's delighted that she loves him so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Hollywood.

I found the second year of recovery to be so much better than the 1st. But now, even into the third there's the occasional mop-up of something I thought was already taken care of. But my H has the right attitude and that is the difference in coping hard & coping well for me.

I wish you the best.

Hi L - pulling for ya all the way. I'm beginning to conclude that if not for the adverse effects on my son, that I'm better off NOT having to deal with reconciliation issues. I admire you and all others who struggle with it.

Hmmmmmm - movies and aliens? Well, we went to see Star Wars Episode II in the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History IMAX theatre Sat. night. Whoa! Aliens galore!!

Dave

Hey thanks U2!

My neck is still quite stiff but I have been able to work today.....

Having that anxiety attack this morning (also triggered by a dream or thought that there had been 3 attempted contacts - it felt so real that it scared me)and I woke up totally exhausted. I was hoping it would be Sunday2 and NOT Monday! Arrrrgh....... alas it was not to be and I dragged my but out of bed and off to the old salt mine.

Yea, now movies are triggers......can't even go see a romantic money anymore....guess I have to stick to Pokemon movies or that sci-fi kind. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You know what WAT? I don't always envy those in reconciliation......guess we want what we don't have? Hm...... I saw that movie and wondered if H had enough money, would he have dumped his family for the OP's 'promised' lifestyle of travel and adventure? He says No but I am not sure. At least Dean Martin had to pay a lot of alimony..... small consolation.

Lor, I will try to remember this pep talk and hope that when the 2nd year of recovery is reached it will be better. Time will tell.

I am a realist and don't want to live in a fog or fantasy...... I also don't want to put effort into a doomed venture.... well I realize part of that is up to me and I am working on what I is within my control.

thanks for the support,
L.

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 07:47 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hi Orchid, obviously I can't offer you much advice about recovery (except if it has something to do with alcohol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

Just wanted you to know that I think you are great. You are very strong and offer so much support to people here, just like WAT, Lor and all the other "oldies" (oops I'll be in big trouble if I keep on that road!).

I imagine that what you are feeling has do to with the anniversary. I didn't realise how much these dates can affect you when your in such a situation (grief, loss). But I have learnt from you, the others and myself that even when you have these kinds of "crises of confidence" you come back stronger each time.

I heard a really good quote the other day:

"You learn more in 10 days of pain than 10 years of comfort".

Its so true.

Hi, Orchid! Yeah those dreams can really mess us up can't they? Good to know your H. hasn't had contact. Family problems cam be a real strain, Last yr around d-day had a lot going on with my brother and I was the main one dealing with it since my H. was way in the fog. Hope tomorrow is better for you and you get a good nights sleep. ttyl, DBD

Orchid --

Just a quick note to acknowledge your "d/d at 2 years" post...

I remember a note of inquiry and welcome from you when I first joined this board almost a year ago. I've followed your always lucid, sensitive, and helpful posts and responses to our fellow sufferers and have marveled at your amazing ability to clarify and sympathize and assist.

I know this board is richer and better off because of you and your wisdom. Thank you.

Ammon

Congratulations Orchid, on that 2 yr milestone!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And it IS a milestone! With each year of recovery that excruciating pain and hurt lessens and the strength of the new relationship skills grows.

But I have to admit, even almost 5 years into recovery, that TV can REALLY be a trigger!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> And forget those talk shows!! I often wonder,,where they ALWAYS so focused on infidelity? Or am I just more aware and sensitive to the subject now?

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} Orchid,

You gave me a cyber-hug a while back. I needed it. Now I can return it. Like seahorse I don't have any advice. Just know I care and think of you and appreciate all you have done to help me. Speaking of movies... I had to sit through the "Count of Monte Cristo" with my H. The part about the cheating husband. I thought I would die. I did wish some handsome Count would come save me and carve my H up a bit. Not hurt him, just give him something to think about.

Congrats

Sharon

Orchid,
I have seen you give so much good advice for so long that I kind of look at you like God. Like you can go on doing good forever, and have no needs, or wants.

While I believe you two will be fine in the long run, you still have to live every day, don't you. That's the part that gets me sometimes. I give all this advice on how to be happy and still have bad days myself. But know what, most days are good, and we couldn't always say that, could we?

I probably can't do much for you but I want to say I think you are the greatest. I wish there were a better way to communicate respect and admiration than just typing a few lines of words. I can never find the right words to do justice to feelings.

Thanks for the update, It is good to know how you are doing.

From someone else that cares about you.

SS

Orchid, congratulations on the two year mark!

And thanks for all the help you have been to others in need.

PBR? Must be a "private" acronym.
hmmm... Psycho * *

Have a great Thanksgiving!

From Seahorse:
&#8220;You learn more in 10 days of pain than 10 years of comfort".

You are so right. Of course prolonged pain is not healthy either.

I told my H that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. Just wanted to let him know he was working too hard&#8230;..

Thanks for being here Seahorse. I know you will be taking an MB break so I was very happy to hear from you. Please take care of yourself&#8230;. You are a wonderful lady.

You are already in the &#8216;senior&#8217; status here at MB with over 700 posts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Daybyday:
Thanks for your support. Means a lot to me right now. How are you doing?

Ammon:
Has it been a year already? We have been living this pain stuff way to long and I&#8217;ll bet you thought (like I know I did) that making it to a year seemed impossible. I have seen your posts and appreciate your helping others also. You know it is kinda a healing therapy for me to post here so it is not all one-sided help. Typing responses helps me remember what I need to do&#8230;&#8230; self-induced therapy? Well at least it is free! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Thanks your kind words and support.

Ahh&#8230;Nerlycrzy:
Your posts I enjoy reading. Your insight has helped me through many a crisis moment even when it was to others. As for the 2 year milestone, well that is 2 years since d/d not recovery. H moved back April 2001, I thought recovery started June 2002 but not until Sept/Oct 2002 did I learn that contact was severed&#8230;. Even then not sure. Funny how the WS just forgets those dates. So the recovery clock has been reset. This time though I am much stronger. I told Lor before that I keep plan B in my back pocket. So one of the things I have learned is there is no such thing as blind trust to those who have proved untrustworthy. They can work to regain trust but it will always be given cautiously. Now for me, God can be given total trust. Do I trust my H with my life? Well, for now I do it with caution. I feel he can still be influenced by others and so I must be careful. I also warn him that his trust in me should be dealt with caution also so he seems to have a goal to rebuilding the trust factor.

As for those dern trigger movies and shows well I just have to adjust but it sure inflicts great pain. Very hard to watch. I have been watching more of Nicktoons!!! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Thanks for your support.

Sharon,

Don&#8217;t ever think you can not be supportive or encouraging&#8230;&#8230; you can, we all can. Last year when everything seemed dark and dismal, I posted at least 20 responses every day. For me it was therapy. I engaged in many discussions/debates on a variety of topics (last year was a great MB debate year and I think previous years also rendered some good topics not just situations). This really really helped me. I saw myself grow and my viewpoint change to where I was in a better position to handle all the c---p being thrown my way! The insight of the older and newer Mbers is a good mix. Helps us see where we can go and where we have been.

Share where and when you can, it is healthy and helpful. I am glad to see you doing better. The BS always gets better when they try&#8230;. For the matter the WS can also but they have to try&#8230;.. remember the saying: &#8220;you can take the horse to water but you can&#8217;t make him drink.&#8221; <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

StillSeeking,

Thanks for your compliment but really really? You have to take the God title back. I am no where&#8217;s near that level and don&#8217;t want to be. I am just a little (physical stature wise - but on the phone some have said I sound like I am 5&#8217;10&#8221; LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It is always easier to see the forest for the trees when you aren&#8217;t standing in the middle of the forest sinking in quicksand! So I help others and they help me. I owe MB a lot. With the help of many here and my personal support group right around me (including God), I have been able to survive. Respect for life has kept both the WS and OW alive. Not for their sake but for mine. H asked me if I thought the OW was a &#8216;non-person&#8217;, I quickly responded &#8216;yes&#8217;. Without hesitation and flashes of the alien mothership was crossing my mind (of course I didn&#8217;t share that &#8211; LOL!!)

You are right about having good and bad days. I try to be positive and my humor tho&#8217; warped as it may be helps.

Your vote of confidence really made me feel good. I have seen you help many and enjoy reading your posts. Please keep up the good work.

ForeverHers,

Well like I posted to Nerlycrzy, it is 2 years since d/d. Recovery has a different timetable and we haven&#8217;t even past 2 months yet. At least that is how I feel.

FYI: PBR &#8211; Psyco Babble Rabbit. That is a &#8216;special name&#8217;. The OW rightly earned each one. I don&#8217;t&#8217; wish her kind on anyone. She is currently looking for her next &#8216;victim&#8217; and thinks she is a great catch. You just gotta wonder about those kind of people. I feel sorry for the next guy that thinks he found a live one. She passes herself off as a caring, loving person but when you really see her true side, she is one scary lady. Oh well&#8230;..can&#8217;t warn the world but I was thinking about flyers through the neighborhood? Nawhhhh just kidding. LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks again everyone for all your support. Made this time much easier to handle.
Whether my H realizes it or not, it even made his time with us bearable. He periodically thinks I get &#8216;out of control&#8217;, hm&#8230;&#8230; maybe he needs to go have a PBR lesson again. Yikes!

Mahalo,
L.

I'm so sorry Orchid about confusing that DDay date with the recovery time. Perhaps I should change my name to Totallycrzy since at times I do believe I have lost it completely! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But I do remember now the setback posts. I can see your new strength. Your new focus and goals. Reread your original post. It is NOT all consumed with H and his actions or inaction. It also includes other family members and other significant concerns. Important to realize life, YOUR life, is not totally dependent on him. You are spreading out, Orchid and in that way letting him know,,YES, he is important to you and you want it to work BUT life goes on and you have needs too. Good going!! Stay strong and take care of yourself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi fellow 2 yearer... I am nearing the mark, too. I know that it was around this time 2 years ago that the "A" began... d-day is a few months around the corner.

Our recovery is about 8-9 months long and, like you, I am finding 'real life' problems overtaking my thoughts of the "A." Life is beginning to seem 'normal' again.

Still good to read your posts. Kinda funny being thought of as an 'oldie,' though...

Hugs and prayers for CONTINUED recovery...

Cali

CONGRATULATIONS ORCHID.....way to go..thanks for all your advice for me the past 3 months, you truly are a godsent....hugs to you...A/C0810

Please understand,
I mean no disrespect to God, and I wasn't trying to be dramatic, I just wanted to convey the high opinion I have of you.

SS

SS,

Hugz to you....you are soo sweet. I understand what you meant, I just don't want to live up to an expectation where I know I don't belong.

You see in the Bible there was an account where a person compared himself to God and poof, he had to live like a wild beast for 7 years.... oh yea, it was a guy... whew!!! LOL!!

Oh SS, if you really saw me, you'd know I am just a short little one with a big mouth!??!?! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Maybe just with quick typing fingers. Or both. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Nerlycrzy,

Hey, what's a date anyways? A number or a fruit!

I just love when you post to me...... Guess kinda like a junior getting advice from a senior, ya know?!??!

Thanks for the vote of confidence, it really means a lot to me.

By the way, don't change your name no one who helps here can be 'totally crazy'!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CALI,
Can you believe how long we have been here going through all this cr@p? Hm.... Someone was recalling the time you took on the name HurricaneCali...... yep those were sure some tumultuous (sp???) times for us.

But somehow we survived. I used to type until the wee hours of the morning just so that I could be strong enough to send my son to school and me to work. Then MB kept me going through the day. Boy those were some looooong days.

It breaks my heart to see so many new ones here. I do not wish this on anyone but I sure wish that they find the antidote and vaccinate all potential OPs and WS' - LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am glad your recovery is going well and glad you are in a new home! How great.

Thanks for your support.

hugz,
L.