I thought I was headed for Recovery after Plan A (post marriage). Thought I had 28 days no contact. It turned out to be only 10 and then there was contact for most of November and then I got another 5 days no contact.

I don't belong anywhere. Plan A, Plan B, In Recovery. I just found out this morning from the phone bill that he called OW#3 once in October and OW#4 most of November. So...I get in the car to go to work and I'm teary eyed as it is. We commute together, so I'm waiting for him to come to the car and in comes a text message from OW#2. He had sent her a message saying...I miss u! and she replied back I miss u 2! Made me want to vomit.

Now here I sit at work trying to hold myself together after on the drive here he tells me that maybe my Plan B letter that I shared with him but didn't follow through was the best thing for us after all because all he is doing is hurting me and this way I don't have to deal with it.

So...I stick by his side and in the end, he leaves me for them!!! How does that work??? I am seriously thinking about NOT going with him for the holidays to his family's house. That will give him 4 days without me to think about it.

In Plan A, is there still contact??? How long does this last? I guess I'm supposed to set a time limit according to SAA. My time limit will be the end of the year to get through the holidays, but I'm sinking fast. I'm on Paxil and Xanax. I'm so numb I can't even enjoy sex which was the one thing that we had going for us.

I want to crawl in a hole and die. But I have kids and a job and a family and responsibilities. Why can't he see all that?

When will he choose me?

Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm so sorry that all this is going on for you.

I always say, and I'll say it again, even though I am a FWS, the cruel behaviour of some WS to continue contact on and on, is just really beyond me.

Where are you now? Not sure, and I hope someone else will come along to give you some sound advice. You say that you wrote a Plan B letter, was that on advice from SH or here, or MC or what? Why didn't you send it stick by it?

Again, I am so sorry you are having such a miserable time, compounded by that darned festive season - I wish it would all go away too.

Thinking of you in London.

Lisa

ONLY U CAN

I am so sorry, i am like you i have given it all and it is still not enough. Arn't enough words to discribe how you feel. Been there like you for a while now, wishing i could make it go away. knowing i can't. what ages are your kids, didn't see it in your line. S

One of the reasons for Plan A is to deal with an ongoing affair, so yes, even if there is contact, you can do Plan A.

You list a lot of D days, but he doesn't seem to have ever stopped his affair-behavior for long. It appears as if it is all on-going.

I'm not sure why you married him when this is the way he was in the months before the wedding. It's pretty rare for marriage to change anyone's regular behavior for the better. It's usually good behavior before the wedding, relaxing into less courtship behavior after.

My advice would be to start counseling as soon as possible. His behavior is not appropriate for a married man, and in Plan A, it isn't your place to educate him about proper behavior, a counselor can do that for you. I'd recommend Steve Harley's phone counseling available through this site so you can be sure the counselor is pro-marriage and wants to help you work to make this marriage healthy.

Unless you are going to Plan B, I don't see how not going with him to his family helps you. It sounds like he'd be more likely to use the time to spend with the OWs.

I wrote the Plan B letter because I thought that we were in recovery (28 days), but realized that it was all a farse. Then he came home and initiated conversation and said "all the right things" without being prompted. He said that contact was only to follow up on whether I had stopped e-mailing her or not....which I now know is a lie because he had been calling her the whole month of November. I shared the letter so that he could see the seriousness of where I'm at. (maybe not a good idea - I wasn't trying to cause more trouble, just be honest)

Then I took a step back and went back to reading SAA and realized that I didn't set a time frame for Plan A. And did NOT realize that Plan A means there is still contact. This is soooo hard! I feel so much pain and sorrow for ANY spouse who has to endure this.

I have three children from a previous marriage 16/14/8. My husband has two 9/8. They do not know of the details of the emotional affairs, but I know that they see the pain and anguish in my eyes and I know they aren't going to take my excuse of not feeling good for much longer.

Thank you so much for your honesty. This behavior has been ongoing....before marriage and during. I didn't think that marriage would end it, I believed all that he said to me. I have found out more since we were married than before. I am a very forgiving person...could be my downfall.

Thanks for all the words of advice and comfort.