I hope to keep every one updated on my situation this week. As you recall my W is coming today with our S. She will stay at a friend's house and spend Thanksgiving with the OM (who paid for her airfare). I will spend it with our S.

I believe this week is significant for several reasons:

1. W and OM have not seen each other since May. They met in March. There was no contact that I am aware of between May and June. At that time she was "working" on our M. I say "working" because she refused to take the OM out of her heart. They started contact mid June.

2. She is ready to take the R physical because as she says she is "emotionally" ready. What I have been dreading for 8 months may happen this week or it may not. I know I will survive it but this will break me to pieces. On the other hand, it may not happen yet, because as she told me, she wouldn't turn it physical because then she would not want to return to TX.

3. I will see her this afternoon and will not see her until Monday when I drop off our S at the airport. I've invited her to 3 different activities my S and I will do which she's yet to accept or reject. I am sure she will say no. Knowing her, I may be able to tell by her face whether the A turned PA or not. This may be the week when I decide that enough is enough. As I told her I don't think I can survive a PA. What I mean by that is that I don't know if I want her back if it turns physical. If we reconcile, the nightmares will torment me tremendously.

Anyway, for the latest... I talked to my son about 1 hour ago while they had a layover. He sounded very excited. I asked him how much he wished to see me and he said a lot. He then asked me and I also said a lot, then he asked his mom how much she wished to see me and her answer? drum roll please... just a little. And I say (to myself), how about NO, nothing at all, no desire to even talk to your dad, that would have been the truthful answer. But then again, strangest things have been known to happen, maybe she has a *little* desire to see me. Even if it is a little, I am not dreaming that's the case, I just think she said that to avoid hurting him. Liar.

I have mixed feelings. I am so elated to see my S and to spend time with him, but I am so hurt it had to be under these circumstances. I am sad, hurt and angry at my W and I am dreading what may happen between them. I know it is out of my control, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Thanks for reading.

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

uc ... focus 100% on your time with your son. You're right about what you can control and what you cannot control. I've found that by concentrating on the things that are truly important to me I minimize what is not important to me ... like what my W may or may not have done with another man ... or may or may not be DOING with another man. Don't get me wrong, those thoughts do creep into my head. But having them doesn't help me help myself. I deal with them and move forward. It's the only way I can expand my circle of influence. I can explain the concept in another post if you'd like.

Utterly, I'm new but I read most of the posts here and comment when I think I have something to say. The thoughts that creep in are there, no denying it, but the bigger picture is what's important. Your son, needs you more than you know as YOU need him now more than ever. Your WW, might not be happy with the results if she takes it to the physical as you are thinking and she has told you that she is prepared "emotionally to do it now" I hope I got this story correct as I am putting in my 2 cents. What I mean about the results? Well if they do go there, she might be disappointed or he might, because what we build in our minds when we are "up there in the fantasy" turns out to be a disappointment because of ALL the expectations. And if they choose to do this, that might be the end of their "perfect" little world, it becomes a bite when you've taken everything to the reality. I might be off base totally so forgive me if I am. But I feel that your son and you will have the most fulfilling holiday vacation together, and one day I bet you will hear alot of apologies coming from your WW, don't quote me on that but ususally when the "whole" picture is painted it's not as one envisoned it in their mind. It's up to you what you want your mind to envison cause you have no control over hers. Good luck to you and I hope I did not offend you with my post.

First update...
I am with my S right now and I am so happy. I took him to work, he said hi to everybody and recognized a few of the people he hasn't seen in a while. A little shy with the rest.

My W walked past me without even saying hello or a hug. I hugged my S first then hugged her and gave her a kiss. She was fine with that. When our S and I were leaving I hugged her again and asked her to remember me this week, to think of our M if there is a chance and to think of our S. She was cold.

On the freeway I started crying silently (meaning my S did not hear or see me). The thought of the OM giving my W a hug and a kiss was killing me. It took me about ten minutes to shake off that image. This is hard! I feel a mixture of anger, pain, sadness. How is it possible that my W, the person I love the most, the mother of my child is with another man?????

I will try to give my S the best week I can possibly give him. Please pray for us and for my W.

Thank you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by utterlyconfused:
... When our S and I were leaving I hugged her again and asked her to remember me this week, to think of our M if there is a chance ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't do this. It will never work when she's feeling like she does now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by whippit:
<strong>Don't do this. It will never work when she's feeling like she does now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Funny thing, after I said it I thought "what am I doing? This will not do any good." I felt a strong urge to say it at the moment, that was my problem. The good thing is there was a lot more I wanted to say but didn't. I was able to hold those thoughts.

c-ya

Today, I removed my wedding band. First of all, my W spoke with our friend yesterday and told her that she had decided and made up her mind in favor of the OM. Additionally, it seems that she spent the night at the OM's house and not at our friend's where she's staying. What the h*ll? She is still legally married and has a son, is she so blind she doesn't care? The first time I hurt this much was April 6th, d-day. The second time was second d-day. The third time was today. My S and friends were able to help me get through it. The good thing is that my S was not even aware daddy was so sad inside. He was perfect all day and I dedicated myself to him all day (I would use the moments I was alone to grieve).

I always told my W I could not tolerate a PA. I am only assuming 1. she spent the night at his house and 2. she slept with him. But knowing the state she's in I would not doubt it. Besides, maybe this is what I needed to start walking away.

Now the most important stuff...

My S has had a nagging cough for the last five weeks. When it started, my W took him to the doctor in TX who said it was just allergies. She prescribed him medicine, he took it but the cough never really went away. My W then gave him homeopathic (sp?) medicine. I have never been against them and have seen them work but not all the time. Anyway, I told her last week that if they did not work, I wanted her to give him over the counter medicine for his cough. Fast forward to two nights ago, he woke up at 4:00 am coughing and it took him about 45 minutes to calm down and go back to sleep. Last night, he woke up at 1:30am with an earache. I called my W to inform her and to warn her that I might ask her to come over to house while I went out for tylenol. Luckily I still had some, so she didn't have to come. Besides, she was not too thrilled about driving and coming (perhaps she was with OM?). Anyway, he fell asleep and woke up in the morning with the same ache. I took him to the doctor in the afternoon and he found that he has an ear infection. My S is 5 1/2 and it is the FIRST time he's had an ear infection (so common nowadays). The doctor prescribed antibiotics as well as a decongestant. He's had two doses and I am already noticing a difference (he's finally draining).

Well, here's my concern/point. Five weeks and she only took him to the doctor once. Five weeks and all she can tell me is he didn't have the cough ALL the time. I reminded her that most times that I spoke with him on the phone he would cough. This is from a woman who has been (to me) the perfect mother to my son. A woman who would do anything to make sure her son was healthy. She took care of his diet, didn't waste any time when he was sick, etc. What happened? Is she so consumed with the "love of her life," she's neglecting her own son? Of course, I don't have any proof that this is the case.

So, I am thinking of keeping my son with me at least until his infection and congestion goes away. She's had him for three months now and I've only seen him for one weekend plus now. I am concerned that she's not taking proper care of him. I am not asking for custody, all I would be asking for is to keep him long enough to make sure he is healthy.

I also want a psychological evaluation for him. I noticed he is keeping a lot of stuff in. For instance, he told me that when his mom talked to him about our separation, he was OK with it even had a smile. When I asked him how he felt inside, he said, "very sad." The last two days he's told me he wants to go visit mom, so I asked him if he wants me to call her and he then shyly says no. I asked him how he felt when mommy said that she wished to see me "only a little" he said he felt bad for me because I love her so much (his actual words). He tells me that mommy always goes to the bathroom when she's on the phone (I assume so he doesn't hear her talk to OM or about OM, I don't know).

Anyway, sorry about the length, but bottom line is I can't bother with what she thinks or whether she thinks what I am doing is wrong/right. I need to follow my instincts right now regarding my S and I don't think she's taking care of him properly. Another example is that when I told her I wanted as part of the custody papers to make sure he had NC with OM or his family for six months after the divorce, she exploded and said that I was controlling her life, then she started bargaining for time (so it is sooner). I told her that this had the backing of our IC. She's only thinking of herself and not even thinking of our S. At least that's my perception.

This is the worst pain I've ever felt and it is doubly felt because of my son.

Today, I woke up with this empty feeling inside. Has anyone felt this before? It feels like something big is missing at the house, with my S, with me. I feel this longing right now. I wish she was here. I am not looking forward to anything at all. There are a few things I have to do today and it starting to feel like it's too much.

But this is where my S saves me. I have to force myself to make it happy for him. I will see if we can rent Ice Age, I think it comes out today. I am trying to minimize the time he's outside.

He saw my ring by the nightstand this morning, put it on and he said to me "look, I AM Dad!" He had such a huge smile on his face. After that I had an urge to put it back on, after all I am still married. I just don't want to carry on wishing, hoping, it is too painful because every time something happens where I am reminded she does not want me it sinks me deeper. It is time I start climbing back up.

I'm having a hard time wanting her back if the A turned physical. And yet I look at my S and see all the hurt this situation has already caused him and will cause him further and I just break apart. You know, at night when he prays he also prays that dad, mom and him can live together. I told him that a few weeks ago and it seems like he prays it every night. I asked him what mom says about that and he says that she says it is not possible, dad and mom cannot be together.

She talked to my S this afternoon and I briefly talked to her. She sounds so happy, I am sorry to say, it makes me sick (is she rubbing it in?). She's finally having what she's wanted for the last eight months and this apparent happiness comes at my expense. Now, don't get me wrong, it is not that I don't want her to be happy, I just don't understand how she can be so happy at the expense of our S and myself. How can this be happiness when someone else is hurting the worst hurt of their life?

I've had a pretty good afternoon with my S. We both loved Ice Age. Throughout the day with him I've thought about memories with my W and the three of us and I wonder, "does she not think about them?" "Did her mind shut those off?" It wasn't all bad times as she said. I remember her laughing, crying with happiness, romantic, loving me, can a fog really just cover those things up?

<small>[ November 29, 2002, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

Speaking with our mutual friend this evening she said my W called her and they had a good talk. My W agreed to our friend's suggestion to mediate as we talk about the details of our S staying with me for the next couple of weeks. The truth of the matter is I don't want to even see my W. It will hurt me too much. I will think about it and maybe suggest we do it over the phone.

Our friend pointed out to her that my W has been insensitive to my feelings all this time. I didn't even tell our friend I felt this way! It is that obvious. They had a discussion about whether I really love her or not. It seems to me my W still doubts my love for her. My W's point is that if I really, really love her I would be happy if she's happy. And the source of her happiness is to be able to share everything she has and can with the OM. My friend disagreed and told her that how can she expect me to be happy if she's the one causing me the most pain. That does not disprove that I love her.

The good thing about our mutual friend is that she's been neutral about the two of us. I feel relieved that she's finally told my W certain things that she did not believe because they came from me. I still think it is a lost cause because she's already made up her mind and I don't know if I am willing to take her back now. I know this site is about saving our M, but as everyone tells me, I have done more than enough, even with all the mistakes I've made. She just doesn't care about me anymore.

I've thought about speaking to the Harleys but a couple of things: their pricing is pretty steep and secondly as I said before at this point I am very angry and hurt with her. I don't want to see her, I don't want to even talk to her. In fact, I'm having a big problem with another man being with her, I don't think I could be intimate with her again. I've set my limit to fight for my M until the affair turned physical, well, I have reason to believe it has, since she's spent the last four nights at his house. I can't deal with that.

I've been spending 99.9% of my time to my son and he's demanding my attention more than you could believe. I feel so good about what I am giving him and how I am taking care of him. He indeed is my pride and joy, not that there was ever any doubt.

I want the movies in my head to disappear.
I want to go to sleep and wake up in a couple of years.
I want my wife back, the old her or a newly revised version of the old her.
I want us to be a family again.
I want a group hug like we used to have.

I want, I want, I want. Am I whining enough?

UC,
I recommend speaking with the Harleys, if for nothing else, for your peace of mind. They can help with your DIRECTION. It is steep, but if you have seen others comments about that, it is worth it. Even one or two sessions will help you a great deal. I believe it will save you much more than It will cost.

SS

utterly

I am sorry for the pain your feeling right now. I think your doing a great job with your son, he is lucky to have you.
The reason I am posting is my concern about your sons cough, it could very well be allergies as we live in texas as well and they are a big issue , But I think you should take him in and let the emergency room measure his oxygen level, make sure he is not asthmatic.. I have two children with severe asthma and coughing can be a sign.
Good luck and remember your son is lucky little boy to have his daddy love him so much. Your doing a great job of controling your self.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My S went back today. My W and I used a friend as a mediator to work out the details of his return because of my concern for his health. She agreed to take him to the doctor two weeks from now and send me the results in writing. She also agreed that he will start visiting a child's therapist, something she had agreed to do a few months ago but haven't done it.

My S is holding it all in. My W is either oblivious to this or maybe she sees it and does not want to tell me. He told me a couple of times that when asked how he feels about something, he usually says fine or happy but that deep inside he is sad. The other technique he is using in coping with this is to avoid any conversations about how he feels. For instance, while I was saying goodbye he kept distracting me by saying "look at this, look at that," etc.

As far as M is concerned, I don't know. Right now I feel I've lost her. I had set myself a limit to fight for my M until the affair turned physical and now it seems like it has. I am having a hard time from preventing the movies in my head. I know how to stop them but I can't stop them from coming. It was very hard to see my W yesterday, I was very hurt and in a lot of pain. Her response to this? An "I'm sorry" without feeling.

I may schedule an appointment with the Harleys, I'm not sure yet. I am just plain tired, disillusioned, hurt, angry, emotionally drained and I've reached my limit of what I am willing to go through. As friends tell me, it doesn't matter all the good that I do, I can be perfect at this stage but she's closed down to me. I just don't know that I want to fight for this M. I know I have an issue with her being with another man physically, but my thought right now is that to work out this issue I would wait until there is a possibility of a reconciliation. Why do it before?

Everything you do matters.
It may not seem like it, and it may have more effect on you than on her, but everything matters.
Please do call for counseling, it will help you.

I am so sorry for all the pain, the confusion, the hurt. I know we can't take that away. Hang on to the fact that someday you will do better.

SS

Boy did you mess up when you gave me this website. Now I'm gonna be harassing you on two forums. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You know who!!

hey, md. So glad to see you here. Welcome. If you harass me twice then you have to read my posts twice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This is the last chapter on my ordeal for Thanksgiving week:

I called my S today to make sure he made it OK to TX. W answered the phone and immediately says, "you want to talk to S?" I answer yes and she then tells me, "before you do, I want to thank you for washing his clothes. This really helped me a lot."

What the??? For over a week she's been stone cold towards me showing no compassion, being stern, so forth and now she tells me in a nice way she appreciates what I did? Remember that about a month ago she asked me what need she did not fill for me and I answered appreciation. Since then I have noticed her say thanks more often.

Is she just feeling sorry for me? Who knows!

Hey mad:dad and UC,
You guys crack me up! (This is 2Hearts from the other board.) I don't post here as often but I do read here a good bit. The info on Emotional Needs here has really been helpful to H and me in our recovery. Best to ya both!

Almost