I have to ask a somewhat stupid question so bare with me. I read alot of posts about NC rule with OP. Well, how does one really know that there is no contact? I mean didn't most of us "NOT" find out about the A until they were somewhat or all the way "fogbourne"? Yes, I know most of us picked up on some nuances that were out of sync but I just am asking to get a feeling from all of you about what are the signs that they do not have contact. I know in my case since WS is moving out that he sees OMW. And if you read my other post on ruthless fog it is apparent that he sees her, at least that is what I feel. So I would love to hear anyones thoughts on this. Thanks

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, do so. It's available for purchase from the bookstore on this website. I ordered it on Saturday and got it on Wednesday. I came in a very plainly wrapped way - actually it was double wrapped. I really appreciated that extra bit of privacy.

Anyway, according to that book you need to do several things but first is justifying time to each other. He needs to tell you where he is at 24/7 and you do the same. He should also give you phone numbers where he can be reached. And you should each call each other a couple of times a day - just to check in and check up - but hey, it could become a valuable thing for your marriage if you keep it up.

The next thing he should do is give you passwords to all email address, etc. so that you can check up on him. He is going to have to prove he is trustworthy by his actions not his words. Having all the secret passwords, etc. at your fingertips will hopefully make you feel better.

This is all in the book. I highly suggest you order it NOW.

Good luck.

Well, how does one really know that there is no contact?
It's kind of difficult to be "sure" there is no contact, especially when we are used to the ws lying about everything else.

Usually, when there is contact, you can see some kind of change in the ws. Most of the time, a "gut" feeling is correct.

I know in my case since WS is moving out that he sees OMW.
Almost always, when the ws moves out, contact will resume and in extremely large amounts.

Neesha,

U don't. Trust is lost when there is an A. The NC letter/rule, is a tool to help reestablish the trust. It is not up to the BS to prove the no contact, it is up to the WS to earn the trust back by showing no contact conduct.

Awhhh.... think it is hard? Yes it is. But it is hard for the WS not the BS. The BS is just anxious that there might be contact, the WS should be the one proving the NC. Depending on the individual personality, it is evident by how the WS is treating the BS. No WS can treat both nice all the time. No more than the WS can sleep in 2 beds at the exact same time.

JMHO,
L.

Just like there are signs that an A is going on, the same can be said of further contact with OP. If you noticed a change reminiscent of when the A was alive, then chances are that contact IS probably taking place. So keep your eyes and ears fine tuned to any changes in your spouse's behavior.

Thank you Orchid and coffee, that was my point in asking the question. I know that WS is going to do whatever he wants so I just deal with me. My behavior does not change anything he is doing or not doing. I am not leading a double life. I observe his actions and behavior in the house when he is here, he keeps to himself and does not interact, and for a man who loves to be around family activity, he is doing a darn good job in my opinion, but displaying the bizarre behavior of the "fog". He peaks every now and then as fleeting as it is, but soon resumes his distance and indifference. He works full time and going to school to finish his degree, that is where they meet as she is a student there now, he had met her at his job when she worked there temporarily. But did not meet her again til they crossed each others path at school. So, as I watch him drop all responsibilites and finances and everything else on me, I know that I can only do whatever I can for me and my family, and even though I am disabled and have not been working for 3 years, I'm doing my best to get back on my feet. No not on SSI because I was going to school and being a housewife. That was the promises we made and I stuck to mine he did not. So I know he sees her and is biding his time to be with her (if and when she divorces her husband) She is from Korea and her H is american and she has WS thinking she will get deported, enough of the details, anyways that is why I asked the question because I think that if they have not taken the BS's feelings in account before A, then why should they after they say NC? In my case I pretty much know that if and when he chooses to wake-up, I'll take it from that moment as to observe his true intentions about repairing relationship and NC. I can only deal with myself and my growth from this experience and go from there. Thanks for your responses.

Look Neesha, this place does not need help in the OW popluation explosion. What will it take to get her deported?!??? LOL! Ok bad joke but really if she does, she deserves it.

I think she is saying that to make him jump, so you know what? Let him jump. Also if he is going to jump for her, let him keep jumping..... how? Let her H know. Let him make her jump too! Nothing like giving them more to worry about. I did that in bits and pieces. Had one wondering if the other was doing drugs (had reason to suspect it) and other illegal activities. Some of it may have been warranted but the element of not knowing can also be used to create questionable chaos for the A.

Awhhh.... things like.... well maybe this foreign OW is using you to bring over her family? Hm..... she asking for money or sponsership? Asking for anything? Gotta wonder if he can handle this OWs cry to go home to see mama and take child and money with her when she has squeezed her usage out of the WS? Will she look good then? Hm..... what is her current reputation?

I used to tell the WS that his being around the OW made him smell. He did in a sense. She had 2 german sheperds and I am very allergic. Now I love dogs myself but my senses were keen on her scents. YUCK!!! So periodically I would tell him that he just stinks! I'd sniff the air and just look at him. That set him wondering and he'd stop badgering me. I used to say that especially when he would start to get irrate.

If anything, I hope this made you laugh....some of the stuff they pull can be played right back at them bringing some comical relief to the BS.

JMHO,
L.

Fantastic Orchid!! You are 100% on, she tells WS that she wants to have his baby, and he is in such lala land as he thinks this is "God's gift", well as I told him, YOU can't take care of your dog that you have had way before me and you complain about everyday life issues and how much it financially burdens you, (yep that is the truth) So, I just observe that as I watch him, he is drifting farther and farther out to sea, and he has to walk the path, not me. BTW her H knows and then WS blamed me for telling him, I never knew him as I do not know anybody here because I moved here 3 years ago from another state. I said, geesh WS maybe because YOU work with MWBIL on the same shift, and people have seen you, DUHHHHHH!!! But no he chooses to blame me and lash out at me, as if!! I told him, "look if I was going to do that, I would makes sure I told him every stupid thing YOU have told me and also I would have told him your name and your mental capacity right now for being absolutely delusional!!! Ohhhh that felt good to say that. And You do have me laughing about your post, in which I so enjoyed. So there it is.