Hi All!
Feel much better! Not giving up on W, marriage, or family. Have good days and bad and of course still think about them and what I can do to have a happy marriage.

Today I got the investigative forms from W's lawyer. These are the ones you fill out in regards to all information -financial and otherwise so they can work on decree. Well I have 30 days to fill out and return, then after this I know it will take awhile to get rough draft decree ready......so it looks like late Jan or Feb until this is final.....YIPEEE!

Weird thing is....these papers are standard and could have been sent to me weeks ago?????????

I hope Christ enters her life the way he has mine. He is leading me now....so I know I'm in good hands. I wish she would accept Him and let Him lead hers. I know our marriage would have a chance then.

Went to counseling today. It's been 3 weeks...no contact with W. She is probably wondering what is going on. No pressure. Counselor feels this will defuse her attitude of having a winner/loser. She still feels she will reach out soon....I have my doubts there though. My mom called W and told her she will no longer be a go-between. She thinks we both have to grow up and discuss issues. Should be interesting what W does now.

Counselor says this is still new. 3 months is not a long time. She said communication does need to open up soon though. That does have her worried that it is getting deeper. She feels that W feels she has been traumatized and feels she has nothing left to give to try and reconcile (even though she has maybe had thoughts of it). She must have some security that changes have occured and that you have a legitimate chance and she will not get hurt again.

I did send a Thanksgiving card home in D bag. It was a humorous one for both. This will be our first Thanksgiving apart in 7 years. Going to be difficult. I am going to get D a real tree this year and have my father drop it off at her house this weekend when she is out of town.

I have decided that at the end I am going to have my lawyer get an order to have my W attend joint counseling. (that is if she doesn't open up communication before divorce is final). I will not go in thinking it will change her mind....it won't. I will only use it to talk about things we can do to become friends again and so she can see the new me. My W will participate in the session as she is a talkative person. I just want to be able to clear some things up before judge sign decree.

I wish she could see that we can do many things to change this outcome and make our marriage a beautiful thing. She only sees the negative and not what can be. If she could just push her emotions to the side and take the leap of faith with God by our sides.

Everyone have a nice Thanksgiving. I still have my daughters to be thankful for and many other things God has blessed me with.

Well I have 30 days to fill out and return
So wait exactly 30 days to return them.

You have a good Thanksgiving too!

bump

OK.......still no word from W. She is taking D to Omaha for Thanksgiving and probably will be out on the town Friday night. Oh well.

I wonder who is paying for her lawyer? Probably grandparents. Everything is going through him. Bill must be getting high. Wife laid the "lights will probably be shut off" a couple of weeks back.......but check I wrote took a week to come through bank and she still goes shopping, so I won't buy that story again.

Well getting D a real tree for Xmas. I will have parents take it to her house when they are in Omaha. Nice surprise when they return.

Counselor agrees---no letters of any kind until she opens communication. Everyone thinks it will happen since I backed off, but I just don't see it happening. What if she already found someone to fill her needs and doesn't need to talk to me? My counselor does agree that letters are effective at a certain point, but we are not there yet. Gary Chapman says in his book on reconciliation that one should write a letter outlining all the things that you did in the marriage to contribute to the failure and then write what you will do differently and then ask for the other spouses forgiveness. He said not to expect an answer right away. He said it would be nice if the other spouse did the same, but may not happen. I would love to be able to do this.

What are the fears of trying to reconcile at this point and how does the spouse wanting out of marriage reach a point of wanting to reconcile.

I will not rush back into it and do have plans for reconciliation support, so we don't revert to old ways and habits. I will be prepared for a whole new marriage.

I would appreciate anyones ideas or own experiences on these matters.

What would I say in a letter if I get a chance? To try and make her feel that I am sincere and do truly love her and want a great marriage?

What would I say in a letter if I get a chance? To try and make her feel that I am sincere and do truly love her and want a great marriage?
Seems you have already said it to her numerous times.

Sometimes, marriages will get back together. Using MB principles gives them a far greater chance than not. However, sometimes, it doesn't work, no matter how much you do or how well you do it.

Gary Chapman says in his book on reconciliation that one should write a letter outlining all the things that you did in the marriage to contribute to the failure and then write what you will do differently and then ask for the other spouses forgiveness.
Personally, I don't think this is a good idea at this point. When there is SOME talk and SOME talk of reconciliation, then it would probably be a better time than now.

Right now, with what little contact you do have, you should be DEMONSTRATING what you ARE doing different, not what you WILL do dofferent.
Actions speak louder than words and CONSISTENT actions are da' bomb!

I now how anxious you are for ANY little thing from her. Sorry, but it seems as if you'll have to wait some more...

and have a good Thanksgiving!

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]</small>

Chris,
Your right I would not write a letter because it is too soon. It would not mean a thing. She is seeing the pressure off. I just wish I had initially done that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am trying to demonstrate, but hard when seperated. Do you think it was a good idea for my mother to have told her she is not going to be a go between for her and I.....or...should my mother act as a go between until W wants to talk to me.....or does it really make a difference.

Also, I want to spend more time with my daughter. I am trying to make more time for that. I'll be honest there are 2 reasons #1 because I love my D and want to spend time with her and #2 I want the W to see how much I love my D and can be a great father (so maybe she will think differently of divorce).

My W is stubborn.....I really don't know if she will contact me. I did send her grandparents and mother a Holiday card. A religious one. I "so much" wanted to write a story in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , but I just signed it God Bless. I know the will tell wife and she will expect that I wrote something and she will be in shock. I'm trying to show her with actions the new Alan......who does care about others and is compassionate and will forever send cards.....every Holiday from now on!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> If nothing else I felt good about it.

Tomarrow I will get D a tree and have it waiting on there porch when they get home. These are the actions speak louder than words.

Remember when I said W said don't pay any more of my bills? Should I continue to take care of the little ones? Do you think it was more anger than really meaning it?

This Holiday season will be so hard without them. I am sure it will affect my W too without me there.......at least I kinda hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />