Over my 11+ years of marriage, my mother-in-law has consistently done things to hurt my feelings. When I tell my H he is unresponsive and thinks I am over-sensitive. She does not greet me with even a hello when we are at the same family functions and has twice left me out of family photo opportunities.

Ok, she is probably intimidated by me, wants to assert her "role", but I have had enough as now my 9 year old D is making her own observations and comments.

My H will not say anything to his parents and it makes me feel like he does not care about my feelings. (this is coupled with other issues regardint ENs and does not help)

During our courtship, my mom couldn't stand him and I defended him to the point of creating problems in my own family. But now I am abandoned to my frustration alone.

I considered writing her a letter, or having a chat, but they are very un-communicable people. Words of wisdome are greatly appreciated.

A letter would be good.

Just write it and put it away for awhile and re-read it to make sure that you feel your words are fair and your feelings are stated appropriately.
Then there can be no hard feelings because of the letter. You may want to read it to your husband before you send it so he has no surprises, yet, these are YOUR feelings and need to be stated by you.

Themis,
I am so sorry, I could write a book about the MIL situation that I have lived with so I do understand. Over the years, people have given me advice on how to handle it but I will tell you the one thing that finally worked for me. After years of disapproval and negative comments from her I finally realized that maybe nothing I did would ever make her treat me in a decent, kind way. I decided that I would not let her have that power over me. I came to the realization that if she never liked me, that would be okay. I stopped making it an important issue in my life.

We do not live close so that makes it easier. I got caller ID, if the IL's call, I do not pick up the phone. I send cards, gifts etc. but I will not put myself in the situation of having to defend myself with any of his family.I have told my H to fly out and visit them whenever he wants to but with my job and kids I cannot go.

For years, my H and his family were awful to me and he did not want to see it, calling me over sensitive. I sat down one day and told him that it was biblical for him to consider me his primary family. Leave your parents and cleave to your wife... I also realize that one of the Ten Commandments is to Honor your Father and Mother so he was certainly in a tight spot... What I did tell him was that I realized that he was not going to see the bad side of his family and although I did not want to make them look horrible he needed to be realistic and look at the way they were treating me. In other words, I was not asking him to get a sword and take a side but to see that although he loves his parents, their actions were hurtful to me and in turn hurting our marriage.

I believe that when he realized that he could stand up for me and also love them, our marraige became stronger and I finally felt that he respected my feelings.

Now, I have been too long winded, but I could not pass up this post. To me the idea that "family" is everything and that we must all love each other is a nice idea but in reality is rarely the norm. No need to a feud, but I know that I do not need their acceptance. I will never get it. (A HUGE religious issue...)

I will not come between my H and his family, but by golly I won't put myself in the pot to be stirred around with them either! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hope this helps a little...Ladysing

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 08:23 AM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

My mother has also made my W uncomfortable, not as
extreme as not talking to her, however she does
avoid visiting, or being home when she know we
are going to visit.This has made it extremely
difficult on me and my father and brothers b/c
we enjoy getting together.It's always the women
that have a problem.My mother suffers from some
sort of queen bee syndrome,and it's her way, or
no way. Unfortunatly it's me and my father who
get all the grief.My w has made several attempts
to make peace, but my mom always acts like there
is no problem. I've tried to leave my W home when
I visit, but that has only created more resentment
on my W's part, and with the holidays here things
are going to get pretty ugly.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> md

xxx

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 02:17 AM: Message edited by: skye ]</small>

Yes, as stated above, your H is the one who should set limits with his mother, not you. He is the only one who CAN do it.

At www.lhj.com, go to Can this Marriage Be Saved? One of the cases involves a disrespectful mother in law. Read what the counselors say to the couple in that case- and share it with your H.

Don't write a letter to your MIL. Either ignore her or kill her with kindness (if you feel up to it). At the next family gathering, make a point of having someone take a picture of HER with you and your H on either side, and all your kids. Tell her how you'll treasure the photos of the whole family together and you'll be sure to send her a copy.