Question...how to handle the WS who doesnt seem to "get it"? this is probably b/c i have stunk at plan A so far, but bear with me. i have attempted to talk to H about our M and get so frustrated b/c I have been in IC since d-day and H has not done anything yet, except feel sorry for himself b/c he is not living at home. Some specifics that i would like help with - DDay was only 2 months ago and H wonders why im not handling things better (not getting so upset, not being so angry, etc). H cant figure out why i am so horrifed at a tattoo he got - according to H he "lost a bet" but the tattoo happens to be a flag of the OW and H's "friends" nationality (OW is cousin of friend)
told H to get it removed or fixed and he "can't afford" to do that now. H gets angry and defensive when he goes out to bars without me and i get upset, says its impossible for me to always know where he is - he's not "up" to anything (even though i busted him w/a voice mail OW left 2 weeks ago telling H to stop calling her so much at work!) Finally, H had plans to go on a vacation in Feb before the S&%& hit the fan..i said i didnt want him to go now (for Mardi Gras for gods sake - is H nuts?) H gets mad and says he doesnt want to waste the money he had already put toward and that is three months down the line..."Maybe you'll feel different then and be able to trust me" WHAT????!!!!! I know part of his problem is that he has had no IC and we havent gone to MC yet - we are very soon though!! I just wanted more to vent and get opinions b/c when he reacts the way he does sometimes i just want to shake him and ask what the h$%^ he is thinking!!

Well what are your boundaries? Acceptable or non-acceptable types of conduct that you have firm opinions on?

If you do not like the way you are being treated, then you need to find a way to communicate that piece of info to him. I know this is hard....for me I had to learn the communication of patience and silence. My opinion spilled out too fast from my lips and the WS just couldn't keep up with my rapid pace. So I learned to sloooooow down. Speak, wait for a response and then create the proper retort, then think about it and execute it.

JMHO,
L.

You need to set boundaries. I honestly don't know how you are able to do a good Plan A. I am truly impressed that so many can. I need to work on mine, I'm not so good at it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I didn't ask my H to go to mc... I told him too. (Big LB I'm sure, but I did it anyways) I also set boundaries, the big one being that my H is not permitted to be in ANY social situation w/o me. ESPECIALLY if there is alcahol involved. And he is no longer allowed to go on business trips without me. That one was a little tough, but fortunately, he only goes on a couple a year, and my mother and mil have agreed to watch the children when he goes so that I can accompany him.

I don't know that it will always be this way. But he broke the trust, not me. When/If I get to a point where I can trust him again, maybe my boundaries will change? I'm still new at this too.

Good luck on your belated honeymoon.... let us know how it goes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JMHO, if you have busted him recently with voice mail to her, and SHE was asking him not to call her so much at work, obviously it is your WS that is still very much attached to the A. He is not going to counseling but you said he will be soon,tell him he can take his vacation money and pay for counseling, or pay for a trip for you 2, maybe a couple week-end program like MB's offer. My d-date was Oct.28, and it was hard, but out of the initial shock and anger in the first 2 days, I never again approached WS with anger, just respect. I did not get it back but at least I knew I had power to do one thing and that was to work on my and nurture myself through this because I sure as "crap" could not have my partner (WS) help, he caused it. MP, you have to set boundaries for yourself to healthily approach this situation and to get comfortable what you can and can not tolerated being done to you or around you that affects your emotional, mental, physical, and or spiritual beliefs (and my spritual, I mean your true inner core of what you innately know is wrong or right) Now where do you think he is operating from emotionally now?? (uh, I'll give you a clue .....think TATOO!!! Does that sound like a mature, caring adult? Or the child who sneaks and gets angry when he gets caught? I feel for you and the pain, and I know that his "behavior is unacceptable" and so do you. It's up to you on how you want to approach getting to a point where it is healing your relationship with him and visa-versa, but I fear that since he is still so caught up with her, you have to re-evaluate how you want to proceed. Just my thoughts though as I hope you know I do feel for you.

Thank you so much for your words...sorry i cant respond over weekends as i do not have a PC at home. Oh boy do i know about setting boundaries, and how terrible i am at it! It's like a viscous cycle, i have been codependent for so long and let H walk all over me, and H is used to walking all over me so can't figure out why he cant now...since we are going on this belated honeymoon, i am hoping we can spend the time reconnecting and upon our return, if H is not willing to accept my boundaries then i will really have to think about where to go from here....now that is easily said, but not done - i pray i can stick to it! i will not LB during our vacation and am hoping that between that and plan a, H can open his eyes and see what he's going to lose if he keeps up w/OW...the contact w/her should be over now, as H is moving back home this week after 3 months away and you can be sure he wont be out of my sight! keep your fingers crossed for me, im hoping the "honeymoon" goes okay! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />