Seahorse,

I wanted to thank you for your very detailed and patient response to my, er, somewhat embarrassing questions about sex, something I have not prevously discussed here for the reasons stated, namley I did not think it was a problem. But your answers got me to thinking and one thing that came to mind was that I never thought my marriage was a problem either and look what happened there so maybe some pro-active steps are a good idea.


To you points: I am not fraid that her need for space is due to any OM and am not checking or feeling insecure. Tempted to snoop once in a rare while but I "don't go there" figuring it would undermine not enhance the very thing I need most, to trust. I do think space was a function of the A however, even though it was not alone time she was seeking, it was time away from Jack. She once told me that one of the things she liked was that it did not involve me, it was hers alone, and she made all the decisions and could not even comsult me about them. So it was space from ME that she needed I guess.

How this applies to sex I am not sure except her comments about how "heavy" it is and your comment about how "fun" should be got me thinking. Maybe I'm too heavy all around, too serious, too dedicated, too paternal. It is hard for me to think this way because my reputation among friends and family is definitely wild and crazy, I won't go into details but my life had been adventurous and colorful to say the least. Ironically the OM former buddy was one of my partners in these adventures, sailing to the islands, backpacking up into the mountains, etc. maybe W was jealous? Or maybe I saved the serious side for my spouse when I should have stayed with wild and crazy. I don't know. Maybe it is just balance.

I am trying very hard to do what she likes to do
when I sepnd time with her and this question of yours really hit home. When I asked once what she how she spent time with OM she said, "we did things I like to do." Problem is she feels so guilty now she does not want to ask me to do something she wants to do! catch 22.

I ordered and will read the Five Languages of Love by Chapman.

As for my spare time I have been with my W since I was 18 and hadn't developed much of a private life. I spent summers on a farm and would like to return to that somehow. I rode a motorcycle all over North America when I was in my early twenties and have have not riden since so maybe it is time to pick that up again. I like getting out into nature hiking and backpacking to completelty remote ares but can't do this with W, it is too strenuous and she is too intimidated by the primitive remoteness. I do need more friends, my life has been too family and W centered.
(PS scuba is on my list too!)

I will try to make sex more "light" and have already encouraged her to take the helm as much
as possible, truth is, I love that but old patterns die hard.

Finally , your insight and the way you home in on the issues makes me wonder if you have a background in professional counseling or some sort? If not maybe you should consider it! How did your call with Dr. Harley go, and how's your doggie? Thanks for your help.

Jack

Hi Jack, been having a bit of a break from MB so I might not be back as often. I'm taking my own advice and getting into as much as possible.

First of all, no I'm not a counsellor, I just think and read too much and see your situation from a different perspective from you (ie female and detached).

The call with Steve was OK, gives me more work to do and my dogs doing really well - thanks for asking, at the moment he is the light of my life (sounds silly, but it happens).

Have you thought about what your W was attracted to when she met and started dating you? It probably was the wild and crazy side. Do you feel you have to be more serious with her for some reason, if so when did it start? Is being serious "you" (sounds like it isn't really).

The things you mentioned doing (motorbikes and sailing etc) sound like fun. Are there any of these things you like to do together (with W)? I guess its balance, you do most stuff together and some stuff alone or with other friends. I let a lot of friendships go and I really regret that. I made H responsible for my happiness which probably made him feel like a failure if I wasn't happy.

Actually I was thinking about this earlier and I said that foreplay starts way before sex. I thought I better clarify (for your W's sake and yours) that by "foreplay" I meant sexy looks, flirting, gentle touches, playfullness, as well as the "other stuff"-Its a woman thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />