I have a question about yahoo accounts. My H uses a yahoo account for his "private" correspondence. A male friend set up this account for him, and I am 99% sure that the "home" e-mail account that this friend used to set up my H's account, was the friend's AOL e-mail address, even though the friend was using our home computer to do this, and we had our own joint e-mail address.

I am 99% sure because when they "checked" to see if the yahoo account was operational, the friend had to go into his own AOL account to "see". This happened in Feb 02, when this friend came and stayed with us for a few days.

It was after that that I discovered H was corresponding by e-mail with OW2, when I guessed the password to his new yahoo account.

My question is this - I have read on this forum that if you want to find out the password to a yahoo account, you go through the "lost password" procedure on yahoo, and yahoo will then send the password to the e-mail address that you used to set up the account. For most people, this means it goes to their home computer and the spouse is able to find out the password.

In my H's case, if he used the friend's e-mail address, does this mean that every time my H changes his password, that an e-mail goes to his friend, who receives his new password? Does this mean that my H's friend is in possession of the password to my H's private e-mail account?

I have never tried to get the password for my H's yahoo account. I don't want to spy on my H. I want my H to come forward and demonstrate accountability on his own. I am concerned that my H's friend, whom I suspect of giving my H bad advice and meddling in our marriage, actually has access to my H's e-mail account, without my H being aware of it. I'm not sure what is going on with this "friend" - but since my H met him more than a year ago, our marriage, which has always had problems, had spiralled downwards into a state of collapse.

Can someone help me with this? Am I wrong?

Would appreciate your help with this, anyone who knows about these things.
LIR

Hi Lady
I have a yahoo account. When you sign up for one, they do ask for an email address for several reasons. One reason is for what you suspected, that if the password is changed (or forgotten) they will email you with it IF you provide confirmable information about other things (such as birthdate, location, etc...) which you also gave at time of registration of account. So, if you lie about your birthday, and then forget your password, and can't remember your birthday, then you're in big trouble, LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So, if one was to change or forget their password, and asked yahoo what it was, yahoo would reply if (1) you entered the correct information that was given initally, and (2) they will send it to the email addy you gave them initially. It can be done from ANY computer at any location, as long as you have that correct initial information.

It is VERY possible that if your husband used his friend's email address (or -GASP- his own "fake" yahoo or hotmail address!)the password would go to that address.

It's also possible that you "misunderstood" what "going to check on AOL" meant...Most ppl log on through their ISP (like AOL)and then go to yahoo through that. So maybe he was logging online and then checked that yahoo account.

Does your H know you are aware of this yahoo account? If so, maybe you should express your concern about your friend's meddling with it to your H directly.

You could always get some of that "spyware" software for your pc and get his password that way. Good luck!

LIR,

Are you asking because you are considering warning him about this possible invasion or because you are trying to obtain the password yourself?

You say that you don't like to snoop, however, if you feel that something is going on behind your back don't you feel an obligation to find out what he is doing to you? If information is being withheld from you, this is one way to bring it out in the open. You do have a right to this information and he has no right to withhold it from you. There is no virtue in allowing someone to destroy you behind your back. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with snooping if you suspect something is going on.

I will just tell you that snooping saved my marriage. If I hadn't been able to verify ON MY OWN that he was being truthful I wouldn't have felt safe enough to stay in this marriage. I knew I couldn't take his word for it because all trust had been shattered. However, through my OWN investigations I confirmed that he was being truthful and trust was rebuilt. I feel like it saved my marriage becuase it PROVED his trustworthiniess.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't want to spy on my H. I want my H to come forward and demonstrate accountability on his own. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this a reasonable expectation, though? Has he demonstrated accountability and trustworthiness to you in the past? Is he a trustworthy person based on your past experience with him?

Thanks all for replying.

The thing is, I HAVE snooped on my H in the past - from Feb to April 02, when I asked him to leave. At that time, I showed him how I accessed his e-mail account through the saved history on the computer - I was sick of what I was seeing and I had to prove to him how I knew about what he was doing. I'm not really sorry I did this, although the upshot of it is that he now clears the history to protect his "privacy".

No, I don't trust him and he has not been trustworthy - nor has he come forward to demonstrate that he can be trustworthy, but I don't want to snoop right now - first, it destroys my own self-esteem - I hate it, and second, it doesn't solve the problem - HE needs to choose to be accountable - until he does that, our marriage is not really a marriage - (right now we are sleeping apart and accountability is on my list for reconciliation).

But I suspect that my H's "friend" (male) is a HUGE obstacle to our reconciliation - which I have tried to put over on my main thread - and it suddenly hit me that maybe this "friend" does have access to my H's private e-mail account, without my H realizing this. If my H changes his password, because he thinks I'm working on guessing his password - is it true that every time he changes his own password (and he knows the details he used), would this "friend" get an e-mail on his account telling him my H's new password? And my H doesn't realize this is happening?

This "friend" is totally opposed to my H relinquishing his internet "privacy" and has even told me so himself. I am wondering just who's privacy this guy is protecting - my H's, or his own "private line" into my H's life and thoughts.
I don't know if this guy is gay - it's possible - gay men often fall in love with my H - my H is a talented performer - I know this guy has a broken marriage and left a child behind him.

Thanks for the help - I'm still not quite clear as to whether or not the e-mail with the new password would go to my H's friend's account if my H decides to change his own password.

LIR

Hi LIR
You brought up an interesting point about your H's friend "living vicariously" through your H's postings...hmmm...If that was a serious concern, you might want to consider saying something to your H about it. Seems like he wouldn't want the snooping from the friend. (He doesn't need to know how close to snooping you are again.)

But the bottom line is, whatever email address (be it the friend's, or another email address your H has established) was given when signing up for yahoo, that is the one that any new password will be sent to.

Another thought...Don't forget that AOL has multiple screenname capabilities. So if the main AOL account was in your H's friend's name (and he pays for it) then its possible your H could have an AOL sub-account under it for free with his friend's permission.

Lady-in-Red. You can get the password right online. You just click show password here or on screen. After you've entered all the info. Which you probably know anyway. That way it doesn't get mailed to his friend. or any acct. YOu can also get it without changing the password, but I forgot how. go read the help on Yahoo. I even changed his password. then cancelled the acct. Also, you can change where the email is mailed to. I changed it to send all the yahoo mail to one of my accts so I was getting all the emails to read. Yahoo is easier than other servers. hope this helps. LouLou

Thank you, loulou -

I don't really want to spy on my H. The only reason why I would ever want to, and the only reason why I ever did, was to try to find out answers to the questions he was obviously lying about. I have told myself that I don't want to snoop any more, unless I have to gather evidence for a D - I don't think there is any hope of reconciliation if he is unwilling to be accountable for himself. But that does help, thank you for taking the time.

LIR

Ok.......
My wife was talking to her Internet Friend before we seperated. She would not stop and would not show me emails. Said was no big deal. Well I installed a spy program on it. She never knew it was there and it cannot be accessed by anyone but you with the password. It takes pictures of the screen evry 20 seconds and also keeps track of passwords and keystrokes hit. I got it for free from Kazaa.com

Be prepared if he finds out though. I accessed her "hidden" email account. She couldn't figure out how I did it. I could not believe all the emails about me. Boy she felt bad, but she was mad as hell at me. Be prepared for what you might see. Be prepared for his wrath.

Good luck

I read where password is somewhere in history or cookies? Does anyone know about this?

Also, I couldn't see where you can keep the same password from yahoo. Are you sure about this Lady Lou?

Not to add fuel to the fire....I can appreciate where you are coming from in wanting your H to be accountable on his own. But I can also tell you that the on-line fantasy life is EXTREMELY addictive. Be careful. If you want to see the Instant Messages that he is having on Yahoo, the next time you sign in under his name, go to the tools section and tell it to archive messages. This may be painful, but it will give you some answers if you choose to do it.

As far as the password, it will always go to the original e-mail that has been set up. However, you can change that once you get in and edit the profile. Change it to be your home e-mail.

Good luck! The Internet is a nightmare and a fertile playing ground for EA and PA's.

I would say its a matter of trust. Has H apologised to you, indicated he is sorry etc? Are you in recovery?? I f you can believe him, try to let some of it go. It may come up slowly in his own time.

But if he is denying it all,spy by all means.!

In my case, I saw an email, phone bills, that they stayed in same hotels when out of town for work, saw him parked at OW's place numberous times etc. But he still has the ability to make me doubt it all! He adamently denies everything & get very angry. But I know the details are for sure. He stops by once a week to check all is okay with me but denies all OW stuff.

Ow's now ex has been in touch with me. We each confirmed our suspicions byu hearing from the ohter. My H's affair is still going on, likely stronger than before. She has involved her own son in their activities, even threatening to spank him if child said anything to his dad!! They have spent the night at each others places etc. Yet, H refuses to tell me where he lives cause he says I'd be "spying on him". Knowing the details, prevents me from being made a fool of again, though I constantly had the wish he would end it & come back to me with a truthful and honest heart. The more I know, the less likely I feel that this will happen. I had total hell in 2001, and 2002 has been a rotten rollercoaster also. I am miserable. H would indicate to me he is lonely, hungry etc to me, but in reality he is running around like OW is his wife and their son is his kid too! GRR. I want to hit him! But I must maintain composuire until paperwork is final which will be 2 more months. H would have me cook & clean for him & give him his jollies from time to time & let me think it was all something I did & "oh, well it just didnt work out". That couldnt be further from the truth.

If your H has secret e-mails, something is NOT right. Do you have access to his credit card statements, long distance or cell phone bills?? Does he have a secret phone card so you dont see the phone bills??? Does he have a laptop etc you dont have access to? How about a computer at work? it may be likely they are chatting by one of the "messenger" thingies like Yahoo or MSN. Keep a low profile & gather all the info you need to make the right decision. Take care..

Thank you all for your suggestions. The short story is that my H had his first "personal friendship" which was conducted mainly by TXT msg and cellphone Jan-Aug 2001 - D-day was June 2001. He apologized lying on the floor, sick as a dog from tension. But the addiction cycle kicked in and 2 weeks later, I discovered contact was continuing. I intervened behind his back, which I can't go into, and the R subsided. H switched his attention to another woman and that went on Oct-? - H's buddy set him up with a Yahoo acct in Feb 02 - and EA entered the realm of the internet - OW2 was someone he had a lot of personal, but not overtly sexual contact with - the "just friends and soulmates" syndrome - OW2 went back to her home country to live with her long term BF in May 02 -

Since that first apology in June 01, H has been in denial and the cycle of denial has spiralled ever downward. He entered IC in April 02, and counselled with 1st counselor until Aug 02 - his counselor fell seriously ill and he has just started with a new counselor (4 sessions so far - I think this one is better). I started IC in June 02 and am still counselling every week. H an I BOTH need IC, because I believe we are both co-dependent. H does not FEEL that he has any feelings left for me and denies that his EAs have anything to do with this.

While in the beginning I snooped, and I printed out all the e-mails between him and OW2, which are now sitting in the file at my lawyer's office, I do not want to see any more. It hurts too bad. Plus, I know that it is useless to snoop - it only gives him ammunition that I am "the kind who is trying to control me". If honesty can't come from him, forcing him won't work either. He will only become willing to be accountable as part of healing from the addiction cycle he is trapped in right now. I think he may still be in contact with OW2 - or maybe he's involved with someone else - what difference does it make who it is?

What worried me most was the "buddy" who set up this Yahoo account - it seems to me that he is totally opposed to my H being accountable, and I am wondering just how attached he is to my H - and if H is taking his advice as some kind of substitute MC, its no wonder we aren't getting anywhere.

I can't force H to be accountable by spying on him, which is why I don't do it. I just want to know if my H's buddy might have access to my H's private e-mail account, and maybe my H doesn't know about it. While it is understandable for a spouse who suspects their H or W of lying to them about an affair to spy to try to find out information that is being kept from them, it is truly wierd if some other trusted party has access to one's private correspondence.

Thank you all for replying - I really appreciate everyone who took the time to try to help.

LIR

It looks like you are closing this thread...I've been w/o electricity due to the ice storm for 4 days and just got back online. I did want to comment on what LadyLou said. Yes, you can change things, but it WILL DEFINITELY make those changes known to whatever the original default email account is. There is no way around it. So if you decide to alter his password or change where the email address associated with the yahoo account, it will let your husband know that has been done. It will send a notice to his secret email account saying that a change has been made, and if he didn't authorize it then to contact Yahoo. Now whether or not he will think it was done by you or his friend or someone else, that's another matter. I vote for the Spyware programs, they're less messy.

Bumpin' for Sara

LIR,

have you asked your H whether he has thought about whether his friend has/should have the password to his yahoo email?

It seems like this is your concern - rather than spying on your H - so perhaps you could phrase it that "I have to trust you (H) that you are being honest to me and I have no wish / desire to snoop on you. But I am concerned that your friend may have the password - I feel that this honesty is something that has to arise between us and is no one else's business. I think it would be best if you changed it to something only you know: that way you know that no-one is going to be spying on you - not me or your friend."

Of course this will be difficult if your H doesn't know that you know about his personal yahoo account.

HTH