my wife's om left his family 6 months ago and now lives on his own. my wife asked me to leave her 4 months before d day around the same time. as far as i know he is still away form his family. my wife now wants a trial separation and says in return she will not see om but i know for a fact they have been on the phone recently expressing their love. do you think i would be a fool to try this trial separation on this basis? i dont want the wool pulled over my eyes twice. at the moment i dont feel mentally fit to move out on my own and she doesnt want to move out with kids. i suppose it is good news that she hasn't left to live with him but i think it is only the practical implications that is stopping her - then again i suppoe that gives room for hope as well. any thoughts?

Empc (repost & edited from "Just Found Out") --

No, it's NOT a good deal. Don't buy into it!

You can't stop your W from talking with him/seeing him/being with him -- if that's the way this is going to go, there's not much you can do about it. Practically speaking, how could you stop her if she really wants to do those things?

A "trial separation" asked for by the WS is virtually a guarantee to a total separation, i.e. there's really no such thing in my book. Don't fall for this "trial" business. If she wants a separation, again, what can you do to stop it?

Don't fall for that utter garbage about a bargain: "if you let us separate, I won't see the OM" = complete fog-driven nonsense. Don't believe it for one second. It's just a ploy to gain your agreement, nothing more. Yes, IMHO, you would be a fool to believe it. Think about it: why does she want to separate? Freedom! What will she do with that new-found freedom?.......you got it!

Since you know that your W and OM are still involved (the phone call, if nothing else), just keep your eyes open. Your wife sounds exactly like mine in that regard. The only reasons she wouldn't leave to pursue that freedom with her OM were practical and logistical ones, so I left, over a year ago. When I did, she was "free" to move on things, which she did. She continues to this day. Your W will most probably do the same (maybe, hopefully, not) so be prepared. If you were told that you could have "carte blanche" to reach into the cookie jar without repercussions of any kind, how often would you be in the kitchen?

Remember that with The Fog in place, she can't see, think, or act clearly, fairly, or sanely. Everything's tinged, clouded, by The Fog. She's not thinking normally or rationally. All she can see is the potential to pursue this relationship with the OM freely and clearly; of course she's going to ask for a "trial separation."

Sorry to worry you. I don't mean to...but maybe, inadvertently, I do. Forewarned is forearmed. Let's chat some more. I'm here for the weekend...

Ammon

just to add a bit more detail. my wife says she hates me at the moment for what i have done (betraying her by telling people when she was trying to save the marriage - i was expecting too much too soon) she doesn't seem to be able to move on at all now. i am off work with the stress of it all with too much time on my hands. she doesn't want to spend any of this time with me she just goes out with her girlfriends. om live about 90 miles away but they can meet in the middle in less than 1 hours drive time so the opportunity is there. i have a lawyers appt on tuesday to discuss the implications of this trial moving out. my biggest fear is that she wont keep her word. she is so ashamed of the affair and the gossip that i am wondering if she just wants to make things look better to the outside world by having a break from me before introducing the om to the local community. i think she is asking me to trust her too much. but she says if i stay in the house we have no chance. she doesn't want divorce this seems to firghten her but again i dont know if this is just timing. we all talk about hanging in there but as we know it really hurts but not as much as the prospect of divorce. its catch 22 if i knew divorce was inevitabel i would go for it to try and get to the end of this pain. why hasn't she divorced/left me?? any ideas?? she is doing nothing else to make me feel wanted. she expresses an unlimited ammount of hatred for me and tells me quite openly that she loves the om,soul mates and all that. thanks

dear ammon i was posting my addition when you were posting the reply to the original thanks its the advice i anticipated. the only confusing bit is that to some extent she would have less opportunity to see om if i am out of the house as at present she can come home later than school closing because i am there for the kids. also she can disappear for hours at a time over weekends. we have a 15 year old but i dont thinks she would be that comfortble leaving him in charge for too long. if i moved out i am hoping the kids would complain to her and i am hoping she would miss me more domestically than she realises. she says she would "date me to see if any love comes back" i am sceptical but i am desperate and she is calling the tune. i am hopeless and plan a as she shouts, argues and ridicules me constantly and i just cant help but give some back. thanks

empc,

Of course she will see the OM, that is the point of kicking you to the curb. Surely you aren't going to trust the word of an untrustworthy person and BELIEVE that she won't see the OM? C'mon, that is crazy.

The worst thing in the world you can do is to move out. WS' almost always seperate so they can resume the affair unimpeded. You would just be enabling the affair and greatly impairing your legal standing in court and jeopardizing the well being of your children. It will be viewed as ABANDONMENT.

Do you really want the OM coming to your house? Because that is exactly what will happen if you leave.

If she wants greater freedom to faciliate the affair, then it is imperative that *SHE* have to move and suffer the consequences for her decisions. I wouldn't let her take the kids either. They should not have to be ripped from their home to facilitate their mother's adulterous affair.

<small>[ November 28, 2002, 06:20 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Of course, your wife doesn't want a divorce at this time until she sees if the OM is going to commit to her. You need to get back the control over this situation. You cannot control her actions but you can control what you are going to accept from your wife. You need to stop being afraid of her leaving. If her intention is to move in with the OM you will not be able to prevent it. What you need to do is to protcct yourself and not let her treat you as a doormat. Suggesting to you to have a trial separation is her way to see if the relationship with the om is going to work and to keep you around as a backup. I would not play this game with her. If her intention is not work on the marriage and to continue with disrespect for you I would raise the stakes by filing for divorce. Of course, I would leave the door open for reconciliation but only if she meets certain conditions such as marriage counselling, NC etc. Meanwhile I would focus on yourself and your child. Detach and stop worrying about whether she is in contact with the OM. Go and keep busy. Stop talking about the R except when it concerns the welfare of your child. Don't argue with her. Walk away when she starts insulting or screaming at you. Start doing things that make you happy. Leave her with this one thought. She can cheat on you but she can't cheat God.

thanks,its 0500 here, cant sleep wondering when she next has the opportunity to see him. i find the biggest dilema is the fear of blowing the relationship by doing negatinve things when they may have in fact very little contact. the problem with my w like others though is that she only admits what i can prove and it is difficult to prove physical contact without resorting to a pi. i taped her over 2 months ago when she was in contact. inbetween she swore no contacte until i taped her 3 weeks ago. then she swares there was no contact at all inbetween the taping episodes and only the odd text since. how can we be sure we are not throwing away the slimmest oppprtunity too early? i have just ordered surviving an affair form amazon. will it tell me much more than this site after reading it avidly for one week? thank again

<strong>
do you think i would be a fool to try this trial separation on this basis?
</strong>

Short Answer: Yes.

I mean - what's the plan? what are you getting out of it? what's the next steps of making your relationship better?

As long as you are committed, and ready to work on the relationship, you should stay. If your WW wants to move out - fine. I mean, not fine of course, but it's up to her. You cant influence her.

Nick

empc - ditto all the others.

Under NO circumstances move out of your house. NONE!!

Don't do it, Don't do it, Don't do it, Don't do it.

Also, stop broadcasting the news, except consider informing the OM's wife. Talk to us here first.

Yes, consult a lawyer as a contingency, but DO NOT propose a trial separation to your wife. Allow her to make this decision. Take NO STEPS toward dissolving the marriage unless you want to dissolve it. All of your actions and words should be in the direction of restoration.

thanks for your help, i cant see me moving out. does the pain of not knowing where your wife is get any less with time if you hang in there. my wife suggests if i dont move out then we "should live seperate lives" which i am sure means continuing to see om. this would be hard but i suppose it would also put a great starin on their relationship too. presumably om cant wait forever and there is no sign of my w divorcing me although i think if a filed she wouldn't mind too much. maybe she thinks it would look better me divorcing her?? i dont know but i am feeling desperate and lonely. thanks again

IMHO - if she wants OM, then she doesnt want the marriage. if she doesnt want the marriage, then she leaves, should leave. you want to work on it, you have no reason whatsoever to leave.

empc - so, have you put Plan A back on track?

Believe it or not, you are in control here.

Yes, she wants you to file for divorce so she can claim "innocence."

Don't do it.

You already are living separate lives. You're in reality, she's in LaLa Land.

The pain gets less as you understand more and more about the typical course of affairs and the altered state of mind that must coexist in the affairees.

A lot of your pain is likely due to your continuing attampt to think about all of this rationally. It doesn't make sense, yet you're still trying to make sense out of it. If it's any consolation, you're normal.

Read, read, read. Surving An Affair (Harley) and Private Lies (Pittman) are MUST reads, IMHO.

Keeping reading others' posts here and keep asking questions. This is the best place you can be.

Now, what about your Plan A?

WAT

thanks for your help friends. it has been difficult to post in the last few days. i am seeing the lawyer today. that doesn't seem to worry her, she reminded me that i needed to to take the marriage certificate if i was filing for divorce. it looks hopeless. i cant see me moving out though. i will let you know what the uk legal advice is. my gut feeling is that the law here is probably softer on the offending spouse as the financial settlement is not affected by the reasons for divorce and therefore her affair is deemed irrelevant.