I've read and posted and have found no one in my situation!
Plan A is confusing me b/c it dosen't have any refrences to sertein questions that I have pertaning to my situation. I'm really trying but need some clarification and advice. Please! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Real quick!

My h moved out again to live with the OW , he lived with her before for 6 months moved back with me for 2 and now has been living with her again for 1. His A has been going on for 11months now!

Here are my questions and confusions about plan A.

1)My h hasn't stoped saying I love you!Hasn't stoped inishiating physical contactwith me!And drives over to check if I'm ok if he can't get a hold of me!

Here's my confusion with his actions. I reread the plan A 101 thread. We as plan A're aren't suppost to say I love you and not advance etc..
Make the WS feel safe with us etc.. Right? Well his actions indicate that he feels safe, heck he even confided in me about problems their haveing. Thats safe. So what do I do with this?

2)I haven't found anything about physical contact with WS in plan A. I know we aren't suppost to inishiate, but are we suppost to deny wanted contact from WS?

Some here have said SF(though I don't know what those abreviations mean)helped them get their marriage back. Well I understand that. But my h is living with the OW, dosen't that make a differance? Shouldn't now be the time to bring some reality to the situation, by not haveing sex. B/c if we do devorice(God forbid) we obviously won't be pyisical.And I don't want to be lowerd to a mistress status with him!

Very confused about that one folks!

So lets recape my h loves me, he also loves her, they are having problems since he's giveing a real shot at their relationship this time, he wants to be physical with me all the time, he's confiding in me, yet he's not leaving her,and is unclear if he wants to stay with her for the long hall. Confused yet? I am! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Has anyone been in this situation? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Please help clarify how to do a sucsessful plan A with this situation!

Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 28, 2002, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Heavy - Heart ]</small>

i'm not expert enough to give you detailed advice but it sounds as if he is having the affair with you now, particularly if he is confiding in you about their problems!! there must be hope for you. good luck

He is a lucky guy! A Saudi prince with a harem!He literally has 2 homes and 2 women. Why in the world would he ever give that up? When the going gets tough at home #2, he just comes back to home #1 until the heat dies down. Then he goes back to his other home when he gets tired of the old one! He essentially has 2 wives just like a Saudi prince or a traditionalist Mormon.

The problem with this set up is that he has no motivation whatsoever to give it up. In my opinion, you have Plan A'd way beyond what is feasible and are simply accomodating his princely lifestyle at great expense to you and your kids. Why not move into Plan B and quit fulfilling his needs? Give him some motivation to take you seriously and start protecting yourself.

Thanks

But need more input! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

bump

Heavy Heart

The essence of Plan A is focusing on you...

This really comes down to you looking deep within you and deciding what you want...and what you can live with...

You need to decide on what boundaries need to exist in your relationship with your husband and take action to protect you...

Real good Plan A is saying to you and your husband...disrepectful crap doesn't fly here anymore...and while it is a two way street and I will do my best not to disrepect you...I expect you (WS) to do the same....

Your husband says he loves...BUT lives with another woman...
The actions and words are so far from even coming close to being a match that I would have hard time not laughing out loud each and every time he uttered such nonsense...

I love you...but I live and sleep with another woman...and tells you he is giving a real try at things with her....

I'm trying to say that Plan A means nothing if in doing it you sell your soul and accept blatent unacceptable behavior...

The fact that your husband shows concern about you and spends time with you is where you may want to focus your energy...

What about insteading of plan Aing him..plan A you and consider some distancing and detaching...
Yeah it's risky..BUT he's already living with her...

Sexual contact is an individual choice one that no one can make but you...You decide if/when it feels disrespectful to you then it is time to not do it....
I can tell you for me....that I would have an extremely difficult time being with someone who engages in such blatant disrepectful behavior...but that is for me....

You may also want to take a step back from all this and explore how his actions really make you feel....regardless of second guessing his thoughts/emotions/actions...and turn all of this on you....
Plan A is never ever about selling yourself short of deserving to be treated well...

peace to you
ARK

Heavy_Heart, I can't remember which book I read it in, but when H starts confiding in you about the problems he and OW have, that's a good sign! I can't remember if it was a book by Harley or Dobson. But with OW they confide and lie to spouse. When they start confiding in spouse and lying to OW, their emotional attachment moves back to you! But I would give some ground rules. As long as he's living with OW, he's not entitled o his benefits with you as a spouse! Keep it friendly, nice, but draw the line! It's then in his court to decide what he's giving up and if it's worth it. Don't be there to console about the problem with OW. Just listen. I mean don't let him cry himself into bed with you, then run back to her. Let him sink in his problems with her until he realizes he's not getting his emotional needs met with her. Then he should come home for good! Otherwise, as long as he can run to you and get what he needs, he's not doing wihtout anything. Having his cake and eat it too!YOu can still let him know you love him and want to work on the marriage, But only after he's through with the OW. LouLou

Thank you LL and all!

My big worry these days is maybe he is in love with her. I know it sounds stupid , considering. But I hardly see him anymore. And I'm greaving over the lose of my best friend.

LL your post has made the most sence to me. Maybe the simplicity of it and directness. I don't know. I've been back and forth with the physical aspect of plan A. I agree with you that that is a benifit of marraige. All I should be in this sircomstance is a friend. If were ment to be it will work out. In the mean time it's very hard.

He's so back and forth. Last night we were talking on the phone.Some how marriage to her got brought up. He said that he is going to marry her after we get a devorice (after the year of pateince, religouse law). Wow! The day before thanksgiving when I said that I had to let go and not be phisical with him anymore. And I said that I can tell he's in it for the long hall with her, he said well that makes one of us. So 2 days later he's going to marry her now?

I can't date while I'm married or in the year of patentce. And also because I love my h and want our marriage, and the thought of being with someone else discusts me. But would it be wrong to say that he's right I should put myself out there and be open to a relationship with someone else. Even though I'm not yet ready to do that? I want him to feel that he has the chance of loosing me. But I don't like lying. I feel kinda traped , b/c he knows that the year of patience is a big safty net for him. That I'll be his at least another year. Can't I tug on that safty net, with out actually doing anything?

I just feel somehow he needs to feel I'm totaly detaching and that he'll lose me. If he really loves her than that won't matter and I'll be half way to recovery anyway. But if he really loves me than maybe he'll want our marriage back.

I don't know. I'm going to do what LL sugested, It makes sence. But what about THE SAFTEY NET?