Happy Thanksgiving. Kids and I had a good day..not a word from WH though. Chicken, no, turkey:)
Update: WH has been hot/cold as usual. I believe he is still seeing OW. We have plans to go out Sat. night for dinner. Just us.
As a result of a bet (my idea), we are going. WH suggested the night, which suprised me, b/c I thought he'd use his weekend with the kids so he'd have a night off and miss a night with OW..maybe OW is out-of-town this weekend or he wants to make her jealous.
My main question: Is it a good idea to encourage this friendship/dinner? We've done a few drinks, exchanged a few hugs (platonic) and talked before. We never get farther than this point. I guess this is the first time he and I are doing something w/o the pretense of meeting to talk about the kids/money/divorce etc.
He asked me over for drinks the other night when I picked up the kids, but I politely declined.
I think I act hot/cold too. I just don't know how to act. Sometimes I think our relationship will improve if I'm friendly with him and othertimes, I think it just prolongs the agony. I mean that WH can still keep his claws in, have family time, tell others we're great friends, and then go sleep with OW.
A part of me is ready to divorce. I think my family missed my Wh more than I did today. I still love him but I think I can really let him go. I want someone who can communicate. In 9 mths, WH has yet to say one word about the OW.
I know the focus needs to be on me...and how I feel..but one day I feel like I want to hug him, that I can work through our problems if I was given the chance and other days, I just want to get our separation papers done and get on with my life.
How do I know if I am just being used? Wh also asked if he could come with the kids and I to a movie tomorrow (he would probably be just as happy if I wasn't going but he knew I already had plan with kids). He misses his family time and kids. During the past months, he likes it when we go to family events together.
So, do I continue on this course or do I end the "family times" because he is getting all his en's filled by 2 different people?
Thanks,
Can't Sleep

cs - forgive me for potentially plowing old ground, but where are you in Plan A?

Have you identified and corrected your issues? Has your H noticed? Have you considered Plan B?

By all means, go out to dinner with him. Put on your best Plan A behavior. Don't mention divorce. Put on an air that rebuilding your marriage is a given! Smirk to yourself that you know EXACTLY what he's doing - being a selfish [censored].

WAT-
Good to hear from you. I'm in Plan A. I've been doing a good job for the last few months (one major fight).
Yes, I've been working on my issues: 1. attitude 2. weight 3. job situation. Has he noticed? Yes, but I don't think it makes much difference at this point. We don't do any r talk at all anymore.
Regarding the dinner, WH said it is NEXT Sat. Guess what that means? Yes, he has the kids..so he won't miss a night with OW this weekend. He seems he lives his life around her work schedule.
I told him if it was next weekend, then I had plans and we'd need to reschedule.
Today he came over (after calling 3x and I didn't answer), we all went bowling and lunch. I'm sure the oW is working today. It went well..nothing bad, nothing good.
I am disappointed about the dinner thing but not suprised. My answer was probably dumb as he probably won't mention it again, but I am tired of him calling the shots.
Plan B? I might be there soon. Maybe after Christmas. I have decided that I am not going to invite him over for the X-mas morning thing. He can get the kids in the afternoon as planned. We see each other every day due to kids..it would be hard. This summer I went 3 wks w/o contact and he stayed just as distant. Didn't seem to mind it.
Thanks,
Can't Sleep

<small>[ November 29, 2002, 10:26 PM: Message edited by: can't sleep ]</small>

I'm feeling a bit down. After spending the day here yesterday, WH hasn't called at all today. We've been busy-not sitting around waiting. But I don't understand the inconsistency. Did he just feel guility he wasn't with his kids for Thanks. and wanted to "make up for it"?
Are we really just default for when the OW is working? I bet we hear from him tomorrow as she is probably working.
I feel used. Thinking that next time that happens that I'll either tell him its not his weekend or he can take the kids without me.
Can't Sleep

Yikes..I am talking to myself! Any comments anyone?
WH hasn't called again today..I don't get it. OS (unknown to me) tried to call him today and no answer and no return call.
Thanks for listening,
Can't Sleep

Hi CS,

I'm here for a while. MB is my break between chores and I take a looooong break - LOL!!!

Well your conclusion may be right on the money..... you and the children maybe enabling his guilt. He gets to say he does keep in touch with his family.

Now how are the children feeling, do they express themselves to their dad? Could they?
Don't discourage it if they try. It can help break through the fog.

What needs do you think you are meeting?

L.

Orchid-
The only need I could be meeting is Family. The situation doesn't allow any other needs to be met. We still share money, etc -although I am working on separating everything. He hasn't cleared all of his stuff out of the house..it's like ten percent of him is still here and he's in no hurry to take it.
I feel like everything is against us: 1. ow is single. 2. WH has a great living situation-help with the kids on this we/end...best of toys (lives with his boss) 3. It's been 9 mths 4. He is the wage earner 5. WH isn't interested in SG w/me.
I keep reading to be friends with him..but part of me feels it justifies his actions.."we're friends..it was for the best" attitude. Yet, distance increases his distance.
On Friday, I thought maybe he had realized that he made a mistake. He was acting interested, etc. but the two days of silence makes me think otherwise. I don't understand it.
Can't Sleep

Dear CS,

Well then let him meet his 'family' need without your assistance. You may need to think about plan B. As for the 10% of his stuff? Does it bother you? It did for me. I took all his stuff and put it in the garage. After a few times of that it went on the front porch. WS was afraid to make a scene in front of the neighbors.....me too but the scene inside the house was too hot so it spilled out in the front of the house. Well that was too much for the Ws and just what I needed. Now the neighbor's could see what they probably only heard (WS yelling and me crying). The Ws wanted to protect his reputation....what reputation. Think the neighbor's didn't know what was going on? They already did. So seeing it was not a surprise. But the WS thought he was hiding it sooo well.

The point is that the WS perception is warped. Don't go along with that picture. Go with what is reality and if him coming over your home causes him to be disrespectful, then let him know that he needs to practice being a dad at his place.

For me I had to put his stuff out to relieve my pain, not his.

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ December 01, 2002, 06:21 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Orchid-
Yes, I am thinking about Plan B after Christmas or in March. From Dec to March, I'll be studying fulltime so I'll need some help from him with kids. In March, I plan to move out of our house.
What do you think about the items I listed as negatives?
WH called the kids tonight. He sounded down -really down-and not very talkative.
As for his stuff, no, it doesn't really bother me. It's like a part of him is still here, which isn't probably very healthy on my part. I mentioned that hoping someone would say, "It's a sign he's still not completely gone emotionally, etc. " I'm still a bit down. I need some hope.
On the bright side, I got most of my house cleaned today and made a great fire in the fireplace!
Can't Sleep

Hi. Bumping up!

VENTING...Talked to WH husband today a few times..he mentioned going out for dinner Friday since I can't go on Sat. I declined. I said maybe during the week sometime when it was a "neutral" night and neither one of has to give up our free weekend. I really want to go but I'm tired of being the one who seems eager.
He asked me if there was a night we could go X-mas shopping for the kids together? What's that all about? Him not wanting to go alone? We are short on money so it makes sense to buy joint gifts but I wasn't planning on it as we are not spending X-mas together.
He asked for a certain schedule change with kids/I agreed to help. He called furious tonight and asked why I got a X-mas card from a certain law firm (not the one I'm using). Hmmnn..afraid I'm getting a better atty? Mine is really good.
So, anyway, he leaves as soon as I get here. I had told him that I would pick-up the kids at his house but he brought them here after he had stoppped at his house to make a phone call!
He calls her everyday after work (I assume it's her) from his house b/c he can't call from his cell phone ( I guess people at work would know according to phone records) and he agreed not to call her from my house.
Either he is on a really short leash OR he is panting after her like a puppy dog.
I keep thinking this A is running its course..he is more attentive, trying to keep conversation going, still not acknowledging any of his time with her or that she's important..and yet, the phone calls, his disappearances, all indicate that it is going strong.
Tonight he left here and within 1/2 hr, I couldn't reach him on his cell or at home regarding some financial information he was supposed to leave me. Well, I left a message on his cell phone and what do you know? Ten minutes later the information came in the form of an e-mail.
"Hope this information helps. Thanks for working with me on the scheduling nightmere. Talk to you soon."
Hope this helps? It's OUR bills I'm paying.
What game is he playing?
I'M SO SICK OF THE UPS AND DOWNS! His A will NEVER end!
Tell me something good.
Can't Sleep

What's good is that I don't 'hear' the DESPAIR in your posts that I used to 'hear!'

I hear YOU focusing on YOU and worrying less about him. Less reacting to his actions...

..Lovingly detaching so that he gets the full weight of the consequences of HIS actions...

go can't sleep...

Cali

Here's a little despair:
I am officially in an unplanned Plan B and in my mind, Plan D.
After a series of discovered lies tonight, I lost it with WH and told him that I didn't want to go out with him on Friday, see him, didn't want him at the house, no joint X-mas presents, he was a jerk, the works.
WH had NO reason to lie to me tonight about his whereabouts..none..and he did. I just can't take the disrespect anymore.
What I learned (if any of it is true): He spent Thanksgiving with her family, THEY are going to the company X-mas party, he doesn't know if he loves her and hasn't told her that he loves her (right), he missed us on Thanksgiving, he is not willing to give her up, he likes and respects her, he wanted to go out to dinner with me to see how things went, he is experiencing some regrets.
I just can't take the lies anymore. I asked him why? He said because of the way you react. I told him that I am reacting to his lies, not that he is with OW. Then, he said, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So, anyway, I guess all my questions have been answered and decided. I am no longer having any contact with him. I can't take the disrespect.
I feel devastated again but so much has happened that I can't excuse it anymore or think he'll change. He hasn't and won't. Yes, I wanted to spend time with him. It was the only way that he would feel anything for me again..my three week Plan B was a diaster..but the truth is that his love/feelings for her have only increased since he left (He went from bring able to give her up to not wanting too)and my dignity won't let me be with him again in the future. How would I ever go to a company party with him knowing that one year he spent with the OW in front of everyone?
Can't Sleep

<small>[ December 04, 2002, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: can't sleep ]</small>

Update: I am still planning to go to B. Need to write the letter although it may not mean much as I did it in the beginning of the separation.
WH came over yesterday..said his dinner invitation was just that..not a date. Blah, Blah.
Asked me out again.
Do I have idiot written all over my face? Plan B it will be. It does scare me though as I think this will be the end of any relationship.
Can't Sleep