Well here it goes last night was great with my family and thanksgiving. WW called when I got home. She wanted to know about our daughter and when I would drop her off. I kept our daughter overnight. Sh then started talking about OM and how he was late for dinner with her. I said that's too bad and went to bed. Here is my problem. The christmas gift I boughtfor my wife is still hidden away in my dresser. It is a $900 ring. Our wedding set was kinda cheap because we didn't have much money then. I got her a new ring for christmas. Do I give it to her? Or should I send it back and get my money back?

Giving it to her would probably not mean yield you much in the way of her leaving OM, and it would seem like you are rewarding her for her bad behavior (Of course, if you give it with the intention of getting OM all riled up, then I say go for it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

As far as returning it and getting your money back, I would only do it if you're really hard up for cash and need the money to pay off debts that need to be taken care of ASAP.

Why not try a third option and keep it for if the day comes when she enthusiasticallly comes back to you, you can then surprise her with it and make a huge love deposit in her love bank?

<small>[ December 01, 2002, 08:27 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

I agree with Ladysing58. Giving your WW an expensive gift at this point may backfire - she may feel pressure that just pushes her away from you.

When I was living at home with my WW and doing my Plan A, I gave her an expensive set of diamond earrings for her birthday - had them made special to match a pendant I had given her several years earlier. She loved them! BUT she never said thanks or showed any appreciation towards me. And 10 days later she wore the earrings and the pendant to an appointment with a prominent divorce attorney (I found the appointment card so I knew about the meeting and I watched how she dressed that morning). A few weeks later she had the paperwork to toss me out.

My gift didn't make any deposits in WW's love bank, but it did reveal just how emotionally detached she had become from me. It was a painful and expensive way to find out.

Hi wrngler.

I would like to suggest you consider the following list from Michele Weiner Davis Divorce Busting:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow her around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation), be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. show her someone she would want to be around.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Return the ring and get the money back. You can always buy a new ring if she comes around.

Hi Wrnglr,

Well I am going to throw my opinion in for what it is worth......

Option1: If money is no object and you can handle the pain of keeping the ring.....save it for your daughter.

Option2: If it is too painful, return the ring and get something nice for yourself, your daughter or spread out the refund on several nice gifts for yourself and others.

Option3: If $ is a concern, ask for a refund. Be willing to take a loss.

Option4: If you can't get a refund, sell it on Ebay....you might take a loss but it will be out of your life.

JMHO,
L.

Well money isn't the problem. I was actually on my way to take it back because I just didn't want the thing. I had to stop by my WW work to drop off a bill she got. She was staring at an ad she had been keeping. The ring I bought was the one she was staring at. That's why I bought it in the first place. She loved that ring. She said she wished OM would get a job and buy her the ring. I lost it. I was doing so good. I wasn't pursuing her and just going on with life. I was trying my hardest to follow plan A and the steps toomuchcoffeeman sent me. I gave in. I hit one knee and asked her to be my wife again and come home. She started crying and took the ring and looked at it. She put it on and boy did it sparkle. She said she would think long and hard about coming home. She gave me the ring back and wanted me to go so she could think. So I left. I didn't take the ring back. I have until January to take it back for a full refund. I'll keep it for now. She called me when she left work. She said she needed some time to think about us. Then she said something she hasn't said before. She said she if she comes back she wants it to be forever and wants to get counseling so we both learn to better spouses. I think the fog lifted for a minute. I told her it was a good idea and I was already seeing a counseler to make myself better. She has been more loving towards me. Of course it makes me sick to see the hickey on her neck. That is so white trash and juvinal. Wel any comments?

<small>[ December 01, 2002, 08:26 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

<small>[ December 01, 2002, 08:24 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

Now I feel really bad. So what I did was wrong. I couldn't help myself. I'm not to worried about OM buying her anything. He would have to spend her money. He doesn't have a job and is not looking for one. I don't want to have to wait for him to go into the military. That is like 3 or 4 months from now. I see all the people here who keep trying and fighting for months even years. How do you do it? I'm almost drained after only three weeks. By giving her the rng I as showing I can support and be able to give her the nice things in life. She would not have to support me like she does with OM. I'm just trying to show her I cn be affectionate and fulfill her EM need for it. I guess I'll stick to my guns and try even harder to so ll things I need to do. I must keep myself from falling back. I need to be more consistant with my plan A. thanks for the constructive critisism

<small>[ December 01, 2002, 08:23 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

Sorry Wrngler,
I did not intend to offend you with my advice.