Well, I was hoping to come back here and tell you all how I made a breakthrough with an attempt at actual communication with H...BUT...Didn't happen!!!!<P>H was supposed to pick me up and take me to get a replacement TV for the one he took - not buying it mind you : he was just going to carry it and set it up.<P>Never showed!!!!!! (Sad Smiley Face)<P>So - instead of anything of value, I am now shown once again that I am not accomplishing a damn thing!!!!<P>Yeah, I'm growing and learning - that's true.......problem is I'm growing into feeling like a bigger incompetent person than I felt before and I'm learning that something or someone is just not gonna let anything go the way I would like it as far as a tiny step forward!!!!!<P>I'm just stuck!!!!!! Some force is just keeping my life in this holding pattern for the last six years and I'll probably die here!!!!!!!<P>How I look at it (his not showing up) is that God or Fate is letting me know that it is not time to say anything or do anything.......OK fine!!!!<P>So what's the point of learning all of this if I'm not supposed to get anywhere with it? I mean - I know that things take time, and so forth, - how much more time am I not supposed to go forward.<P>Everytime I think I am moving ahead, something comes along and halts me in my tracks........<P>I am hurting right this moment - true!!!<P>But I will process that - just like all the other things and garbage that I've hurt about all these years.<P>I just feel that my life is so stagnant and it's not because I am not doing for myself....I am!!!! I mean why do I have this "ride it out" feeling when it just holds me in place?<P>I don't know????? I am sick of thinking and I want some little itty bitty movement in a forward direction. And I don't necessarily mean with H and in our marriage - I am thinking more along the lines of understanding why this has been my life for so long.........<P>One darn thing after another, and just when I think it's coming to a head (like the divorce court date) then something happens to put me on hold (like H whack-a-doodling) and I right back at square one. <P>H not showing up tonight ... well things starting to come to that head again....now watch - something will happen that will make me go on hold!!!<P>I'm just so frustrated !!!!!!<P>Thank you all for taking the time to help me and care about me!!!! You have no idea how much you all mean to me.<P>I will respond to all of you - just can't right now.......<P>I'll be back!!! (best ARNOLD voice I can muster!!) LOL!!!<P>Hugs and Thanks,<P>Sheba

Sheba,<BR>I'm so sorry. He's acting like a big fat jerk again.<P>How can't he see what he had, you are a precious jewel, it is rare to find someone with such a capacity to love and grow in a caring instead of a controlling manner.<P>The Lord has plans for you. Your life has significance and purpose...and it although you can not see it now, it will happen and your efforts will be blessed.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Sheba, he really is a whackadoodle. Did he hit his head or have some sort of accident? Or ??? TV is not good for your brain anyway, right?! Want me to send you some books to read? I promise I have some good reading material around here somewhere-mostly buried by books on infidelity, but I am willing to dig them out!<BR>(((hugs))) You are going to be just fine sheba.

Sheba-<BR>I'm so sorry you were dissappointed tonight. I know how frustrating that can be. I couldn't begin to tell you the number of times H has broken promises to me.<P>I wanted to share w/you that I my plan did provide a breakthrough for us last night. We are at a place where his conflict-avoidance supercedes any attempts for dialogue. I feel stuck and he rejects any attempts to even discuss the problems. I gave him the "why women leave men" article and attached a short note that stated that I am now emotionally and mentally at a point where I can end this marriage. I don't want to do that, BUT, this is my final attempt to reach you. I asked him to read the article as it describes very accurately what I am feeling. I informed him of the MB principles and that they are available for use. I stated that I expected an IMMEDIATE response from him. If he chose to ignore/dismiss this, I shall make my plans to end this marriage. (invoked my BOUNDARIES)<P>I left to run some errands and when I returned, he was ready to talk. We talked for a couple of hours and agreed to use the MB principles. We plan to meet weekly for 1 1/2 hours to discuss.<P>What made the difference? From my perspective, my willingness to accept either outcome could have been somehow been apparent to him? The greater impact, I believe, came from "reading" from an objective source, all of the things I have been saying for years about my feelings, combined with, Dr. Harley's EXPLANATION as to why women react this way to men. He was able to see how his actions were affecting me. I believe the objectivity, balanced viewpoint and explanation served to open his eyes to the depth of my despair and therefore, the basis for much of our ongoing conflict. (He's not much of a reader, so the concise nature of the info helped tremendously!)<P>I cannot close this post w/o saying that I was overwhelmed last week and prayed deeply for God to release me from this despair. I give all glory to HIM for speaking to H's heart and giving my the courage to take a stand. Also, one reason I'm "stuck" here is I'm looking to change careers and am having difficulty finding "suitable" employment. I got a call today for an interview in my field of choice at one of the best companies in the city! GOD IS GOOD!<P>Be encouraged Sheba! God Bless.<p>[This message has been edited by Enlightened (edited September 16, 1999).]

Oh Sheba, I can only imagine the limbo you are in. I am so sorry that something doesn't change. Also sorry that the wack-a-doodle didn't show up.<P>Don't really know what else to say. I'm sure the "you're learning" and "you will be a better person" gets old when you are living the way you are. Yes, you are learning and you will be a better person, but you are right, that you need to be able to do something with those things. Wish I could tell you what, but I can't.<P>I will check in on you when I can to see how things are going. Take care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

Sheba<BR>I'm making a guess here. Do you think this has a lot to do with the "Assuming equality" thing.<BR>You are feeling very inferior right now.<BR>maybe your H is too but he is taking on the superior control attitude to make up for his guilt and feelings of inferiority.<BR>It's a vicious circle. Go read that thread of FHL's again.<BR>Can you try to make yourself realize that you are equals and that maybe he doesn't feel as superior as he acts?<BR>Just a thought!

hi sheba, how are you doing today? Good point ws-the wad (whack-a-doodle) plays the superior role out of fear. Sheba, don't fall into the game he is playing. You are too smart and too strong for that. I really appreciate what enlghtened wrote. Something quite similar in my marriage. I was willing to walk, no doubt about it!! I think we need to come to a place within ourselves were we know we are going to be fine without them-the dependence is there but it takes on a healthy glow. It is not confining and inhibiting. <BR>(((hugs))) cl

I'm responding to JUST your PS Sheba.<P>First... everyone, man or woman, is an individual so it's hard to know how they deal with these types of life challenges.<P>Second... At the risk of making some of the women upset... It does bother me that SOME women, a small minority, get into "man bashing" or "why don't MEN get it" on here from time to time. That hurts and is way to easy to get into. I'm the betrayed and I've learned more about relationships and myself and infeditily that I ever imagined through MB. Believe me ladies we me get hurt too, and women are just as capable of being liars, deceivers, etc. OK enough soap box.<P>Third... being more objective. I do think In General that men have a harder time finding themselves emotionally. For many of us, me included, it takes a shocking emotional experience to really FEEL what's inside of you, admit it, come to terms with it and grow from it. So sad to say but it appears for some men and some women I'm sure as well, that some just don't ever get it... and well that's their loss but of course the loss of their loved ones too.<P>Tex

Sheba,<BR>First of all, forget the Man-Woman-we'll-never-understand-each-other ruse. The pain and the willingness to do what causes it are not bounded by gender. It gets you nowhere at best.<BR>Write him a letter. It allows you to see what your own thoughts actually are! Put it away and write him the same sentiments again - better. Read it to yourself. What does it sound like? What would you feel if you were in his shoes? Write it again - but don't hold back anything you feel. Do it again. Be more brief - word efficient. Don't lecture. Do it again. Don't forget your own responsibility. Take a day off and clear your mind. Read it back. (you can do better - leave out that hint of spite! Now is that REALLY how you feel; what you want him to know? Be honest - with yourself first. Anything else will only set YOU back. OK, trim off those last few unnecessary or redundant items, copy it by hand and then read it to him. In a quiet place, alone with him. Aloud.<BR>I did this. I learned a great deal about myself in the doing. I learned a good deal about my wife, about human nature in general. I arrived at a kind of sense of inevitability, of acceptance. There had been a stone wall between us that started to crumble only after I shared the letter (shared MYSELF) with her. Check out "new woman et al: RECOVERING!" - my post of a few days ago. <BR>Try it.<BR>Dave<BR>

Sheba, <P>I am starting to honestly believe that this man does not deserve you. <P>Don't lose faith, as other have said God has a plan for you. I don't think you will ever really know the full impact of the lives you have helped just on this forum. I think God is still forming you into that very special lady that he wants you to be. I know it's tough and it gets exhausting waiting for the tiny step forward. <P>Each day that goes by, adds a little more polish to that diamond of a woman you are. If your H doesn't wake up soon, he's going to be in the back of a very long line of other men that would love to have a lady like you.<P>Stay strong Sheba.<P>SHA<P>P.S. A 2x4 with a frying pan duct taped to it is on the way. Your H needs an industrial strength wack. <p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited September 16, 1999).]

Others have alreay said it.. bt I will repeat it.<BR>Be honest not deceptive.. no games.<P>And then.. I thought of a game...<BR>But not a game of deception.. one of honesty.. something a little light and playful.<P>is there some simple, light, fun, mutually agreeable activity you could agree to initiate when either is feeling love busted.<P>like.. sharing an icecream<BR>(my gosh tho.. would all the cows be drained?)<P>Just some symbol of agreeing to take a time out.. have an icecream together.. and then..<BR>discuss it.<P>We all so much need to take our timeouts..<BR>need a way to express that we have been hurt.. or have been hurtful.. in a way that is not threatening.<P>Oh how I wish with a belly full of shared ice cream and maybe an understand smile.. we could just say to each other....<P>.. I'm sorry<P><BR> <P>

Sheba-<BR>Quiet today....you okay? I'm thinking of you and miss your positive energy! I hope you are feeling better today. <P>I came across this in my "inspirational" file and wanted to share.<P>An excerpt from the book "The Lady, Her Lover, and Her Lord" by Bishop T.D. Jakes<BR>(realized the sensitive nature of term "lover" within this forum! In context written, "Lover" refers to spouse.}<P>If a woman feels like a lady and is able to celebrate herself, she will attract into her life people who reflect her own opinion of<BR>herself. <P>There are moments when even the strongest woman can appreciate the reinforcement of a man who is comfortable with who he is and who can be an anchor in the storms of life. He will be the warm hand touching the small of her back, giving her the stability to go forward. He will give her the feeling of uncompromising love as she faces the various stages and ages of life. He gives her body release, her mind a melody, and her spirit a gust of wind that makes her able to soar. <BR>When the lady has a lover, her eyes sparkle, her smile is bright and her voice is calm and passionate. With her lover at her side, her heart is peaceful, for she feels secure and can close her eyes and rest her head on his shoulder. <P>But in the stillness of the night, when he has gone to sleep and there are pending<BR>issues on her mind, it is her Lord who works the night shift and watches over her in the dark. He is the one whom she can talk to when her words cannot explain what she is feeling. Her husband may understand what she says, but the Lord understands what she feels.<P>God Bless!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Enlightened (edited September 17, 1999).]