All,

Amarylis, over on JFO is really needing your wisdom and support! I've invited her over to this board due to the good discussions you've had on alcoholism. Thanks, CSue

<small>[ December 01, 2002, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: CSue ]</small>

From amarylis: Here I am. I have never been on a forum before and I guess I didn't really know how to go about it. Not sure if I posted in the right spot. But at least I am talking to someone now. I tried speaking to the closest family members to me this past summer, but it did no good. This is safer spot to talk to someone I think. Won't intimidate or anger my husband if I speak to strangers. My husband has stresses on him I imagine. I has estranged himself from a brother of his after we hosted a 50th anniversary party and his brother pulled out of the arrangements with him. The brother was hurt because an invitation was sent to someone he did not think should come to the party; therefore, he told his 2 brothers he would not have any part in the arrangements from then on and this hurt and upset my husband very, very much. I saw his hurt when he received the call from his brother. The holidays are here now and my husband wants to write him a letter and tell him not to get him a gift this Christmas, that his heart is not into it in lieu of the past. This I know is hard as he hates to put his mother and father in the middle of this and it affect them, but he wants nothing to do with his brother. So this year we cannot have the traditional family get-togethers we normally have had and enjoyed with all his family members together. That is why we had Thanksgiving alone down at our house and no one else invited. Christmas is to be the same as well I suppose.

I wish I could hear from Bramble Rose. I heard from Sue she is really to be admired. I would love to hear.

Thanks again for listening.

Amarylis,

I am here.. home alone on a sat. night as my kids are off visiting my h, the ws, in my case.. anyway.. just wanted you to know I will read and see if I can offer you any suggestions...

For one.. if you have an alcholic in your life.. Grt to an alanon meeting..
2) If you are of a religion, or believing nature, go to church in the am.. it always helps me regroup and get back to focus on where I need to be.

I am going to ck out your thread on just found out that csue refers to.

Hugs, H

Honey,
Thanks for your suggestion about Alanon and church in a.m. I am too embarassed to go to our church. We used to go to church regularly and very active in our church while our children younger. The youngest are teens now. Then I started going alone or with one sone but this seemed to bother my husband, especially if I went I went by myself. My husband has developed quite a reputation in our community due to his anger and it is embarassing. All of your neighbors have been exposed to his anger in one way or another. He is known also as the man with temper in our neighborhood and they have complained to him about his driving too fast on the road. They have been concerned about the safety of their grandchildren playing outside in their yards and there has been an issue where he was speeding and ran over one of their pets and continued to keep driving after hitting the dog. A neighbor witnessed it and confronted my husband about it and my husband got angry and cussed them out. All these neighbors go to our church. They always wave at me when I drive down road or walk, but if my husband is with me they do not. They are friendly to me when they see me in community but have nothing to say to my husband and they try to avoid eye contact with him. He doesn't care and he says he lives his life for him and no one else. Twice our preacher came to our house and he continued to drink beer and have no shirt on outdoors right in front of him when he drove up, rather than at least putting the beer aside he continued to keep in his hand and while talking to the preacher. (my husband sees nothing wrong with this)

So that is my dilemma. I used to enjoy going to church and singing also. But not now. But thank you for your ideas.

Sincerely,
Amarylis

amarylis,

I posted over on Just Found Out.

D.

Hi Amarylis... I am sorry your h is causing you embarrassment.. definitely find an alanon meeting today if you can. Hopefully you found one online, if you can't call local information and have them look up alanon and someone should answer and be able to tell you where a meeting is... unless you are in a real small town there should be many avaiable... hopefully on a sunday...

Anyway, I am so sorry your h is causing you embarrassment and pain.

I KNOW... my h used to stand out in the driveway drinking and smoking... I asked him to at least do it in the back.... He didn't see what was wrong with it.. he seems to think most people drink and those that don't... are self righteeous.. He has moved to a druggy type... or much more liberal neighborhood where most people drink... or know it better than our parenty type neighbors... he simply fits in there better.. his first affair was with a girl at work who was a barfly and played darts... she was a heavy drinker.. but even she... eventually asked him about his drinking issues in a few short months....

I hate what has happened to my M, but I am seeing how clearly I deserve a life... with or without my H.

The working of the twelve steps help.

Hugs to you in your pain? Where are you by the way? I am in Houston, TX.

Hugs, HOney

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>Hi Amarylis... I am sorry your h is causing you embarrassment.. definitely find an alanon meeting today if you can. Hopefully you found one online, if you can't call local information and have them look up alanon and someone should answer and be able to tell you where a meeting is... unless you are in a real small town</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honey,
I do live in a very small town, but I went online and found one meeting place in a nearby town which is 30 miles away. That was the closest one to where we live and the only one. I hope it will be a good place to help with solutions. I want my marriage saved, not just for the 2 of us, but for my family as well. I was once a single parent for 10 years after my first marriage and worked three jobs at times to make ends meet, had only 6 dates during that time, never wanted to try to have relationships, I was too busy raising my boys. When I met my present husband thru Parents w/o Partners (which I'd finally joined at encouragement from co-workers) I met my husband of now. We fell madly in love, so to speak, I was impressed at what wonderful job he had done raising his 2 sons of ages 5 and 7. We were marreid within 6 months. We have been through a lot together. He is a very participative husband and father. He is always home and with us, not like my first husband at all! He has come home late 3 times in our marriage of 9 years and that was only at 8-9:00 p.m. at night but he called to let me know those times he was running late and that he made mistake of going to the friend's house (man from work that works on cars on side). These times he would drink with him and talk and forget the time. Usually, you hear of men doing this kind of thing all the time but my husband does not. Our marriage is very much worth saving. We have so much in common. He is my best friend and lover and that is a rareity I am sure.

I am so sorry to hear a little of your experience with your H. What you mention sounds much like my first husband.

Thanks again for your post.
All this is really helping give me courage to look into Al-Anon and I will call and see now what time and days their meetings are and I will go.
Thanks
-Amarylis

Amarylis,

You've gotten some great advice from MBers here; and I know more will come.

I am sorry you are 30 miles from the nearest Alanon meeting. That sounds like a long way. I wonder if you can pick up any of the books online? I picked mine up again recently; and although mine were printed back in 1984 and I'm sure there are more current editions; I am reminded by reviewing them what wonderful philosophy they have for how we should conduct our lives on a daily basis. Whether alcohol is in our lives currently or not; the philosophy is a great way to live.

I know about the anger you speak of regarding your husband and the preacher; neighbors etc. It can be so isolating. Please don't let that happen to you. His mistakes are a reflection of him not you. Also the fact that he "doesn't remember" what he did when drinking doesn't mean he isn't responsible for his behavior.

Personally I think you need a new counselor. One who can talk straight to your husband. There are many misguided counselors out there; and if they don't have experience with alcoholics they won't be able to help you as much.

There are great programs for teens; however your 19 year old sounds mature for his age and has a great sense of humor!

You have alot of good things in your life. I'm glad you have a great relationship with your in-laws. I'm glad the secret is out regarding your H's alcoholism. It's better that way! More later, Blessings CSue

What are D-Days? Multiple D-Days ? I figured OW stands for other woman. But, I am having hard time with other abbreviations. Is there a guide somewhere on this website?
Just wondering. Thanks.

Hello Amarylis,

I am sorry the circumstances in your life have brought you here. But, you will find mostly caring, good people here that want to help you. Each of us has a different perspective to offer you. Mine is that of the alcoholic. While my tendencies were not anger or violence while drinking, I am familar with the alcoholic 'rage' that you have described.

Please go to alanon. It will provide you with the tools you need to 'make the best' of a bad situation.

D-Days are the day that the betrayed spouse (BS) found out about an affair. Multiple D-Days unfortunately refer to multiple affairs. Many/most people here are suffering through the effects of an affair. There is a link somewhere about those abbreviations, but I'm too sleepy right now to find it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

Please understand that these are just my opinions. I am not professionaly trained as a counselor or rehab expert.

First, your husband's anger is a result of mostly shame. He is probably ashamed of the man he has become and is becoming. Yes, that's right...he is still spiraling downward. He will continue to spiral dowmward until he hits bottom. You saw what might be called a false bottom recently with his 3 month vacation from the bottle. What is his bottom? No one really knows including him. But if he quit for three months because of the charges laid on him (sorry, I don't believe the losing wt. thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), then there is hope.

Amarylis, I have been dry for only 14 months. But I could not have stayed dry without the help of AA. IMHO (In my humble opinion), your counselor will not help your husband until he releases alcohol from his life. It is the catalyst for anger in many ways. You see, alcoholics can't drink like normal people. Its got to be all or none. Once we start, game over. I think you've seen this recently.

If you have any specific questions about what your husband might be feeling and you want the perspective of a recovering alcoholic, please let me know.

Pray for serenity, strength, and courage...

Gib

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 06:31 AM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>

^^^^^^
Bump!

^^^^^Bump^^^^^