Hey Orchid,
I hope you won't mind if I add my .02. I discovered MB in January, 2001 but didn't discover the forum until March 2001 and began cautiously posting due to my 20+ yo history of being an xOW who raised an OC with no contact...

My first and only marriage happened almost 10 years ago, when OC was 10 and it has been a bumpy road, with normal issues stepparents face and bio parent feeling caught in the middle between the two...

That aside, my reason for being here is #1 to encourage BS's who have OW/OC issues and maybe feeling guilty for not having contact. Things can turn out okay! I'm living proof! xOW can change and quit crossing boundaries--I'm proof of that too...

But the main reason I came here was to seek help for being "verbally abusive" toward my husband. I never called him bad names (out loud), but I was overly critical and not giving him enough admiration to the point where we both had severly withdrawn. In order to recover from that, as well as be proactive about affair-proofing our marriage, we both began studying the MB concepts together. MB saved us time and money that would have been spent on professional counseling.

Another thing that MB does is helps everyone involved in the situation to take responsibility for themselves and forget about what the other person is not doing. The questionnaires are a huge help, and once you point out your needs and whether or not they are being met, the individual can deal with how they will change the statistics.

We are going on 10 years, no affairs, no contact with MM. MM's marriage is fully recovered, from what I can tell. They are still married so it looks good from where I stand. The only one who potentially lost anything is the OC, growing up with no dad for half of OC's life... BUT that was MY decision as OC's mom. I knew what I was asking for from Day One, just too selfish to say no and too self-loathing to realize I could be better than that. That's what it boiled down to, ya know? Settling for less than God's best. Not taking a stand for ME... Not setting personal boundaries...

I'm sure that a lot of prayers went up for me. I never had a chance to sit down and apologize to the BS in my case, but if I ever saw her again, I would take advantage of the opportunity, even tho over 20 years have passed.

Anyway, I'm glad you are fully recovered from all the drama your xOW brought into your life. I remember all the faked pregnancies... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What a relief that you didn't have to go step up to that "next level" of recovery--P/C!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hi there, good to see familiar names, one day, orchid, WAT, oswald, lupolady, lor, honey. Sorry one day that thngs have ben so dreadful.

My d day was 12/12/2000. Went through absolute hell after that, he vacillated between me and her, lied about no contact. he moved out for 5 months, came back for 3 and then moved out in June, 2002. he has been away ever since, occasionally seeing OW who lives a long way away. He lives close to me and our daughter. I have grieved a lot but am out of the terrible anguish. i sometimes wonder if he wants to come back, though he has never said he does. I am not sure whether there would be enough pieces to put the relationship back together now, though i do still love him. we have a daughter of 8 so we see each other regularly because of that but i do not engage with him on an emtional level for my own sake. I am generally much better although christmas is going to be hard.

I have changed a lot and since the end of my relationship i have felt myself expanding in many ways, lots of friends and traveling, though of course the sadness is still there, but less acute. We will spend christmas together which will be hard.

This experience has been the worst of my life and I think I am quite profoundly different because of it, I have become more cynical about relationships and more accepting of the unpredicability of life. i thought i had it all and i didn't. i am more self reflective, self reliant and self contained and enjoying the new me. I was in a show 2 weeks ago, singing and dancing, it was fantastic and he wasn't there.

All the best to you all
crimson

OK, my turn. I still post because I feel like Tinydancer. The car's been dented, fixed, but you know it happened. Also, my H and I have never had MC. I have had to do my best with MB.

D-day was 8/01. A coworker affair. I still am not sure she is 100% gone. I think she calls him from time to time. He has never read the MB concepts, so this has been a oneway battle. So, it's been Plan A.

On the other hand, she may really be gone, but I cannot let my guard down. Things have been good with us. I have improved myself a great deal and am still a work in progress. I can only change the things I can control. I would be sad if he left, but I won't fall apart. He would be the one who looses. I am guilt free.

On the bright side, he has never been nicer to me, we have a new home, a new baby and he doesn't work with her. She lives 1 hr away. I wish she would disappear, but recovery has to come from him.

This is for those of you who had to work on recovery alone. It is still possible to recover a great deal of your relationship even if you do it alone. We still lack in the trust department, but I am sure that by this time next year he will try the MB concepts. I have slowly worked on him, and he is now meeting soem of my EN.

Overall I am happy. Not as happy as I used to be. I love my H, but I am no longer in love with him the way I used to be. Unless he uses MB too I doubt that will happen. It is enough for now.

Recovery is a very slow process when you start on the road alone.

Hi all,
Gee it's been a while since I posted an update. I found MB in Dec. 99. My H left to live with his OW on 12/23/99. (Well, he's my ex-husband). Our divorce was final on 11/28/00 and I got remarried on 3/8/02 to the most perfect man! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I have to say going thru this was the toughest thing ever. MB didn't save my first marriage, but it's definately helping my 2nd one. My H knows about MB but he's never read any of the stuff. Little does he know, we use it everyday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> WE started dating 11/01, got married 3 1/2 months later and haven't had one argument. We DISCUSS things that annoy us or that we disagree on. Some people don't think it's healthy but it's working for us. We say what we need to say but in a healthy and loving way. His 1st wife also had an affair. He still is dealing with some trust issues. So, to be fair to him, I don't do things that I feel would give him a reason to not trust me. And he does the same. We also definately follow the rule of complete honesty.

To thos of you just dealing with the affair, hang in there. It does get easier with time, and MB will help you heal in a way that you will be a stronger person.

Love,
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Since I'm too lazy to retype another post, I'm cutting and pasting my most recent post from the Recovery Forum--

It has been quite a while since I have contributed to this board. I guess you could say that I have been off in the real world&#8212;searching for answers to life and love. And as I write today, stretched out on my bed and staring out at the frozen blades of grass shimmering in the afternoon sunlight, I am filled with awe. Simply amazed at the beauty that surrounds me&#8212;not only outside my bedroom window but also within my marriage.

It has been three long years post d-day. I feel incredibly blessed and humbled that my marriage has survived infidelity. Yes, there are still days when my mind (if I allow it) wanders back in time and I find myself fretting over &#8220;why?&#8221; and/or shedding a tear or two over lost love. No, I am still not able to "thank" the affair for opening my eyes to the fact that my marriage needed work. Nor, would I necessarily say that my marriage is now 100% healed. Nevertheless, I am at a point where I am able to see a certain beauty present within my marriage that did not exist before my H&#8217;s infidelity: a beauty borne from betrayal.

I am not certain that I can adequately describe this beauty. Perhaps I have simply stumbled across a type of love that is new to me. A type of love which goes beyond the &#8220;caring type&#8221; of love, and embodies a certain yearning and hope for a future, deeper love not yet realized. This beauty (love?) comes from deep within my heart/soul and is rooted in the knowledge that our love for each other (mine/H&#8217;s) endured. It was not (could not!) be snuffed out by my H&#8217;s betrayal. Rather, our love now shows hints and promises of blossoming into a truer, rarer love. A love that I never thought possible: a love that is pure and honest.

Following d-day, I often wondered if I would ever truly love my H as deeply and profoundly as I once had loved him. I honestly thought it would be impossible to recapture that love&#8212;for I swore that it was useless to even attempt to try to love someone who was not worthy of my love and/or respect. However, somewhere along this long journey of recovery, I realized that perhaps my H was not as flawed as I had imagined. Perhaps it was my own preconceived notions of what an &#8220;honorable man&#8221; was that needed adjusting. Perhaps I had made the mistake of elevating my H, and my marriage, above what was possible, or real. Perhaps I had made the mistake of taking my H&#8217;s fidelity, and the sacredness of our marriage, for granted.

It was in pondering my life, and how I loved, that a strange thing happened. I began to realize that I was, in a sense, flawed&#8212;that I needed to adjust my thinking patterns and my views in order to become more grounded, more forgiving, and more tolerant of human failings. I realized that perhaps it was God&#8217;s intention to offer me a lesson in humility&#8212;a lesson that I am still learning to embrace.

Today, I no longer view my H as this &#8220;infallible man&#8221;. I no longer view my marriage as this &#8220;ironclad fortress&#8221;. Moreover, I no longer view myself as this &#8220;perfect wife&#8221;. I have learned to accept that the man, the wife, and the marriage are all capable of crumbling&#8212;and that that is OKAY! I have learned to embrace that we have ALL made mistakes, and we will continue to make mistakes. But most importantly, I have discovered that there is a rare beauty (a living, breathing love) waiting to be born within the hearts and souls of those touched by infidelity.

Peace and Blessings this Holiday Season!

Love, ~Marie

Don't know if anyone will remember - I'm on the divorce board now and used to be mylife .....

My signature line pretty much sums up the facts.

D-day 8/24/02, I was 2 months pregnant and had three other children. I found MB in Oct. started Plan A right away and counseling with Steve Harley by myself until Jan. 2002 when we both decided it was hopeless and issued a Plan B letter. WS now ExH totally freaked out.

We were divorced in May and finally finished the property settlement at the end of Oct.

We are still going through the custody evaluations and onto a custody trial in the Spring.

ExH is an emotional child, controlling and manipulative. He has not hit bottom yet and is trying his hardest to legitimize his life.

I know that he and OW are not in a wonderful healthy marriage, but ExH doesn't know what that's like, so I doubt he knows what he's missing.

I am so much further emotionally, spiritually etc. and can see a wonderful future without ExH. After months of therapy, I finally see so much about ExH that I guess I just thought was normal and am now finding out was and is not.

Glad I did Plan A. For the kids sake, I wish ExH would have worked on the marriage, but am learning that better things are in store for me now.

K

Well, I guess I qualify as an old-timer too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I came to MarriageBuilders in October of 1997, right after discovering that my wife was having an affair. I remember spending a day or two pouring over everything on this site (there was no forum at that time)---reading everything and realizing how much of this made sense. My wife ended up taking our two kids to the OM's family's house for Halloween that week---and the single, best thing that I did during this period of my life was to call the MB counseling center on Friday evening. What was more amazing was that Steve actually answered the phone (that ain't gonna happen today... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) and sat and talked with me for quite some time. I got into the regular program, and a summary of this is posted over here. I've been posting here since September of 1998---at that time the affair was over and I felt the need to help others struggling in their marriages, much the way that Steve helped me (minus the fee, of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). My participation here was pretty solid for the first couple years, but I've become more of a 'guest' poster here, although I do try to find a few folks who I feel that I could really help. The board seems to be in a 'high-noise' phase, and I simply don't have enough time to sort through the posts to find these posters, tho... And I always like to see updates from those people of my 'era' here---several of whom have posted on this thread already.

So, in a week and a half we'll be celebrating the fourth birthday of that child born of the affair. He's a complete treasure---words really can't express how much joy he brings into my life, or how thankful I am to God to give me this opportunity. Our marriage is much stronger---even without sex (yeah... I'm continuing on the record here). My wife has faced some scary health issues over the last couple years (stroke, potential brain tumor), but everything seems to be in good shape now. She's recently switched BP medication which has helped with her dizzy spells, and she's also on Zoloft, which has really made a difference in her OCD-tendencies (that's my diagnosis...).

We're enjoying all our children---the oldest is 12 now. They're all very active, and the two oldest have really taken to riding horses (we now own two). We've concentrated in doing family-oriented activities, which has helped to cement our marriage together.

I really love the MB philosophy and principles---they've made a tremendous difference in my marriage and so many of those people who I have helped here over the years. They are a terrific set of guidelines and rules designed to bring romantic love back into the marriage. For the people still struggling---don't forget that the goal is 'romantic love'---avoid doing those things that hurt your chances to build this, and try to do more of what works for your spouse.

God bless you all.

I think I posted for the first time in August/September of 2001...

D-Day was July 16
D-Day number #2 was August 31

So I actually went through quite a lot before finding MB.

My story in a snap shot:
I'm BS; Husband WS. OW coworker (as per) and it was a 2 month EA on the verge of becoming PA.

WH very angry after D-Day #1 - says he's moving out "to see if he'll miss me" and my response (remember I was flying be the seat of my pants then) was "I don't think so, let's call our family and friends, tell them you're a cheater, you move out and we'll get attorneys" - - next morning he's not moving out.....but....obviously he's not done cake-walking either. Later he admits that he is still calling her/talking to her at work.

On August 28th, I meet with an attorney, because I didn't trust him and needed to be prepared. Attorney get's PI to come to my home, tap the phones, computer, and begin surveillance. Surveillance begins August 31....not surprisingly this day is also D-Day #2.

Later on WH admits that he has to stop and throw up after the 25 minute parking lot meeting (which is caught on tape) because he's sick about what he is doing.

I confront WH that evening with tape/transcript and pictures, tell him I have an attorney, I want him out, I'm getting custody....the full monty (um, can you say LB)

He begs for one more chance. VERY begrudgingly I give it to him.

I continue with PI surveillance. He does not know about wire-tapping or spyware on computer. However, I warn him there will be no other chances.

I find MB. Download everything. We begin doing exercises. Buy the books and read/discuss. Discover our marriage (on both ends) needs improvement. Start improvements.

In recovery. NC letter is written.
Informer at WH's work informs me OW is flailing and melodramatic for weeks - culminates in letter to WH and "running out of work." Letter is given to me and I respond...I email OW to give up and move on...I'm nice but not too nice.

However like a lot of BS, I am haunted by feelings of mistrust. Around Feb/Mar of 2002 I finally deal with this. The outcome goes like this:
I cannot control my husband's actions, behaviors, feelings.
I can, however, control mine.
I promise myself that if he ever does something to violate my trust again, I will leave him (with my son) that day.

This promise to my self is what I live by and it helps the haunted feelings go away.

In april I have the phones untapped. The computer still has spyware and WH is aware of it.

I told husband that if I ever feel the need, I can and will have him followed again.
I have WH followed 4 times between 11/01 and 6/02 - I consider these "check-ups." No contact.

June 15th, one month before we leave on our 10th anniversary cruise, I have WH followed.
OW stops WH in work parking garage, scene of the affair (her minivan with the three child care seats in the back is where they "hung out"- I know, I know, it's so romantic). She's in a state of distress (her marriage crumbled over the affair and husband is now abusive and divorcing her/trying for custody). WH doesn't get out of his vehicle. Tells her this isn't his problem and she should talk to friends/family, and drives away. It's on tape.
WH calls me on drive home to tell me what happened.

Still in recovery. Just redid EN worksheet in September. Things are good.

Had I found MB earlier I might have done a Plan A/Plan B - I think we both do "plan A" now.
However, even though I was hurt and in pain....mainly I was pissed. I don't think I could have reacted any other way...and I still feel that way.
This is the only life I get. I'm not going to live part of it at the mercy of a loser. IF NECESSARY, I can and will move on and start a new life. And my husband knows it.

LLL

HI All!
I am a bit late w/ this post... but we have recently moved into a new house (no more renting!) and w/the holidays and all.... I just haven't been posting like I used to... but I lurk!

D-day was in April and I found MB in May... this username does not show that because I had a tendancy to 'change' names <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...

H used the usual WS speak... loved me, cared for me... wasn't 'in-love' w/me, nor did wish to be around me... he "wanted to be w/ her" exact words the day after d-day...

We went to MC briefly... I endured living w/ H while he continued to see OW... it was terribly awful stuff... I'm not sure I would ever council anyone to endure what I did... but I, at the time didn't see any other way...

The summer was draining... H moved out briefly... OW and her H lurked here @ MB and knew all my thoughts and pain (one reason for all the name changes)...

He moved back the end of the summer... financial reasons... and because I begged... I was just so broken... we also had a couple of crises w/ our boys... which made him think twice about not being around for them 100% of the time...

We moved into Autumn... things were dormant... he was in contact w/ her... mostly phone and email... I snooped and got hurt... We were going to a wonderful Church... I had this cybersupport group... support @ work... tons of prayer from SO MANY... I read 20-30 'help' books... and grew stronger...

Last Christmas, I was on pins and needles... it was a blessing... still being able to be a part of his family... that was one of the hardest things to bear... the thought of NOT being w/ his family as much... we are very close... then I intercepted a message from OW... when I was just beginning to think things were changing... that and he was still in conversation w/ someone else...

Winter was very cold in Southern CA for me... And I remember wanting to bargain... writing him tomes that I never gave him ... and I grew strong enough to tell him ENOUGH... I will NOT do it this way anymore.... we are MARRIED or NOT... not this limboland HELL>>>

Meanwhile... he was changing... he was finding his way to the Lord again... H had always had a STRONG need to be close to God... but he wasn't very disciplined about it...

In a nutshell (ha ha) we were 'saved,' baptized, and our marriage went into recovery.... all around the anniversary of d-day...

This Christmas there was a marked difference in H... he is much more aware of me... takes care of me... champions me... loves me...

We went shopping this week and while driving he leaned toward me and put his arm around me... off and on while driving (a stick)... my eyes were misting as I thought of him hunched toward the his own door... driving with his right arm so I couldn't touch him soon after d-day...

SOOOOO many wonderful changes! So Much to thank God for... so much NOT to take for granted....

It was God's second Christmas miracle for me... and confirmation to me that I need only to seek His will and serve Him and He will take care of me.

Cali

Hi, I was just checking in to see whether any of the familiar names still post and here is an update thread.

I don't post much anymore, because I grew and learned from MB and then chose not to follow through with any sort of plan B, so I am not sure if I belong here!

After DDay, MB was a godsend to give me hope and to give me some idea of what to do. WS continues in EA, probably PA, but remains at home. (Yes, a cake-eater.)

WS treats me with courtesy and some affection, and is a good parent. I have set some long-needed boundaries, and if things change, I know I have grown strong enough to kick out WS if needed, or to pick up the pieces and be there for the kids if WS ever decides to leave.

For now, I am maybe not in quite as good an A as I could do, but most of the plan A stuff has become habit. I have continued to lose weight, even! (35 pounds now) I am most proud that I have overcome my tendency to educate.

I continue to work on my own development, I am much more in line with God's plan for me now! WS absolutely refuses counseling of any kind.

I wish I had known MB principles before this... I used to joke about the computer being an OP, and I should have been serious and insisted on the time our marriage needed - we both were taking it for granted prior to the A. Of course, back then all I knew how to do was nag, which was ineffective.

Happy Holidays!

Hi peoples! I was around back in early and mid 2001 and just this week starting popping in to see what was going on in here.

I can't remember a lot of the dates, but let me give you the important ones:

Found out about OM around 5/01
Separated 7/16/01
D to be final any day now!

I would normally say it's been a long journey, but it honestly seems like yesterday that I was posting stuff here along with Faith1, WAT, Orchid, Trueheart, and all of the other wonderful people who I have not mentioned.

Although going through this stuff is undeniably difficult and painful, it is like everything else in life: an opportunity to grow and learn. I'm so glad that I've been exposed to the MB principles as they will continue to shape my approach to relationships forever.

I'm happy as a clam these days -- things have turned out rather well all things considered. I hold no animosity towards my soon-to-be-XW... She is still with OM and I hope that she finds a way to make her life a happy one. I still get to see my step-daughter and we have a great time when we do.

Finally, just in the last month, I've met someone whom I really care deeply for. I've made a conscious effort to take time for myself over the last year and had made a personal decision to not date anyone until after I was divorced.... But I'm awfully close, and she and I really click. However, there are certain elements to the relationship which may cause problems in the long run. I'm actually going to post a question regarding this as soon as I figure out the appropriate forum in which to do so.

To all of you who are new to this site, welcome and please consider the people here friends and mentors. Never consider yourself alone on your journey as there are people here to share and exchange information and emotions. It is truly cliché for me to tell you, but I will do so anyway: It is not easy. But I can promise you that you can make it through. Persevere, make good choices, and have faith that one day, you will be in a better place.

To all of the "old-timers", I hope the very best for you all as well, now and in the future. Thanks so very much for your help. I couldn't have done it without you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I didn't think of myself as an "oldtimer" but I started reading this forum in Oct or 2001.

A brief summary -

9/30/01 Got a call that WH's Mom was very ill and went to the hospital. WH had been living away from home since 3/99 when his Dad got seriously ill & passed away in 5/99. WH kept spending more and more time away saying that his Mom wouldnt be around much longer ..... he ended up starting a business there.... which is 1200 miles from our home. WH had been such a bear after his Dad died, that we were glad to see him go on his "trips"

That night, I called WH's house and a woman answered. I hung up. I called back again & she same woman answered. I floundered for a moment and asked for WH. She told me he already knew and was at the hospital. She told me she was a "friend" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (ha) I waited untill after the funeral to confront WH. The next few days were hell. I met this "friend" at his Mom's funeral. A few days later, I came back to his place earlier than planned & the door was locked & a strange car outside. It took a few minutes for her to answer the door and she was in bare feet, WH was there too. She said she had come to get her daughters formal dresses that someone had borrowed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I got changed quickly and went for a walk. I prayed that God would reveal to me what was going on. When I got back, WH was gone and so was she. I packed up all my stuff and was headed to my Mom's where my youngest kids were staying. Just then WH's good friend called and I very instistently asked him what was going on. He told that OW2 was brief and inconsequential cuz that's what WH said to him. He said something as well that made me think that there had been another OW1.

At last I knew. I wasn't crazy !WH called me later in the night & I told him we were thru. He wanted to talk about it. I said no, not now. 2 days later I was on my way back home with the kids fully intending on DV.

At church, a deacon prayed with me & gave me some scriptures and asked me to pray for God's will for me and the M. I did and almost immeadiatly found an email for an article about infidelity. That floored me, as I didn't know anything like that existed. Eventually it lead me to MB. I read and read and read. Finally I posted.

Not long after returning home, I got several phone calls saying that WH had spent a lot of money on OW1, that he was having an affair with OW1 ... I told WH and he was furious! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It turns out that WH did have an A with OW1, an old HS friend. OW2 is still ongoing (the one I met at the funeral) I thought it was over though based on what WH's friend told me. This time last year I found out that OW2 was still going on. Uggh pain and anguish all over again.

What I did:
Plan A - Nov 01 to May 02. WH lived 1200 miles away but we were in business together so I did have some contact. I counseled with Steve Harley several times and WH 1 time. Steve said that I did a pretty good plan A considering WH wasn't living at home. Looking back, It was easier to do plan A that way, cuz he wasn't in my face all the time. He would be home for a few days and I could be the best plan A actress there was! The rest of the time was on the phone.

June 02 - I found out that WH was involved with cocaine and so was OW2 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> That did it for me, I felt that unless he totally turned his life around by getting straight, and putting God first in his life that we did not stand a chance. I was in shock, all the pain and anguish came flooding back. We were on the verge of loosing our business. (bad business decisions) and our finances were horrible. I started to go to alanon which has been a God send.

Since then I havn't really been in any plan. Steve Harley suggested that I file legal sep or Dv then go to plan b.

When I prayed after finding out about the cocaine, I heard "Let go". It has been hard for me to let go, but I realize that letting go has been in increments, bit by bit. At this point I have not filed for DV but seriously considering it.

In the mean time, I have been working on me and getting finances in order. WH is in downward spiral. I've heard his story many times in AA meetings.

Recently, a friend's wife left him & I told him about this site and said I know this hurts but you will get thru this, that if you work on you and learn the concepts on this site, then no matter if your wife comes back or not, then you will be a better person, better equiped for a new M with or without W. Telling him that was like an ahh haa for me. I knew it was true and that I had come a loooonnnggggg way!

So, my M didn't go into recovery, but I am very thankful that I did plan A and learned about the MB concepts. I am a better person, I have helped others along the way, others have helped me, we've created a special bond here at MB and I am better prepared for a new relationship whether or not WH and I get back together at some point.

Currently I in the process of figuring out what to tell the kids when I file. I have always told them that we were having problems and agreed with OS when he said he knew that Dad was doing somethings I didn't like while living 1200 miles away.

Wow, that felt good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
God Bless,
D.

<small>[ December 30, 2002, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Hi everyone!

My XH left in Aug 2001. We were divorced in July 2002. He just informed me, before Xmas that he is going to marry OW in February. I expected it...they have been living together for over a year. I think he will struggle with this for the rest of his life. I hope...(although I do not dwell on any of this)....that this marriage fails. Right now he is on a cruise.....I guess I don't need to tell you that we never went on a cruise together.

I am doing okay! I am making new friends, started a new job and I have my kids and family! Things will work out fine for me! THe holidays were a little tough, but, hey.....I was with this guy for over twenty years! I have to expect a few rough spots.

Hope your New Year is Happy!

Max

My husband is SNL, and I was thinker, then cry2much, and now Faith4me. Husband started his affair with the OW, on the internet in 2000 June. Went to private e-mails with her, in Oct. 2000. Started talking on phone in Dec. 2000. In 2001 Jan. he bought new phones for our business, and talked to her 10-12 hours a day, she didn't pay any of the bills, cause she couldn't afford it. From there, we all went to her state to see husbands sick father, and he became physical with her. This is for sure her 2nd physical affair.

Husband moved out in April 2002, reconcillation was never there. WH was obsessed with this other woman. He stated he didn't love me.

Husband and I got into an altercation in April 2002, which caused me to have surgery in Oct. 2002. I filed for D in 2002 April after the injury. Had enough, and didn't know this man any more. D has been ugly, WH dragging his feet. I have been doing everything lawyers ask.

I feel there is a lot of pain between the two of us. Communication needs to be better, which I think it is. Consideration needs to be enforced, and respect for each other.

I feel there is a chance of recovery sometime in the future. WS is in depression, all of us see it, but he doesn't. I am on anti-depressant, and getting my meds changed.

D is pending. I am going through physical therapy 3/week, and trying to survive. I get really down, pain causes depression, had rotator cuff surgery, and it is painful. I don't work, haven't work since 1990, been a stay at home mother, married for 25 years. And feel like I got kicked in the butt, and tossed in the ditch.

That is our status, not very good!

Wow, I guess we qualify as well. I just posted an update...starts with..."Wrapping Christmas presents can wait". It is here in GQII.
Glad to see so many individuals are doing well, as well as married folk! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi all,

I've been lurking, just haven't posted much for a while.

Looking back, in some ways I feel there's a year missing from my life. But, I realize that's shallow way of looking at it. I question how much of an affair was even going on (it was an internet thing), or whether it was just an excuse for my midlife crisis. I don't think the drama is quite over yet, see Irreconcilabel differences?

I think I'm a "typical" situation. One spouse wants to forget that anything happened and go back to the status quo, the other questions everything, including the basis of the marriage.

My recent understanding is how my W has used many different techniques to hold me at arms length. T.V., computer, children, pets... all of these things are barriers to keep me away. Of course, I aided and abetted all these actions - fear of too much intimacy? Fortunately, I'm fascinated by what I'm learning... and that fascination is keeping me motivated.

Jeffers

Hi, I spend most of my time on the D/D board these days, but my timeline qualifies me for this thread... I found MB in Feb. 2001.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Aug. 1998, and from that day on, my H ended our sexual relationship. I had a mastectomy, chemotherapy, radiation, then in Aug 1999, tram-flap reconstructive surgery. By Aug. 2000, I was finally feeling alive again. I wanted to salvage my M. We ran a business together, had just built our dream home together, but we had no physical relationship for 2 years.

Well, I took the bull by the horns, so to speak, joining my H in the hot tub where he often spent the evenings without me (I'd been warned against hot tubs by my surgeon because of the danger of getting lymphedema - swelling of the arm in which the lymph nodes were removed). I managed to renew our sexual relationship, but the next day my STBXH began verbally abusing me, accusing me of loving an old boyfriend from 25 years ago more than him (this based on his reading of my old journals) and this continued until the day he suddenly left and moved into a hotel room with a much younger recently married employee four months later.

I was devastated. Found MB after a couple of months. Read all the books, counselled with Steve and others - H would attend a few sessions, then decide that the counselors were against him. He learned enough to accuse me of not giving him enough admiration. Steve recommended plan B after only 3 weeks of plan A due to H's abusiveness. I wrote the letter. H responded by asking to come home. Steve recommended a cruise. We went. H enjoyed it but I was walking on eggshells because H stayed high most of the time and had several verbal outbursts.

After we got home, things quickly deteriorated. H was frequently gone, lying, drinking, increasingly verbally abusive, finally kicked me out and moved OW in the next day. Kids (his niece and nephew who were living with us because H's sister and BIL were drug addicts) objected and he threw them out too. Even Steve recommended divorce. Kids and I lived in a hotel room for three weeks until I filed for dv & got a restraining order that gave me the house. That was July 2001.

H wanted to reconcile again. I tried. He went back and forth - mostly visiting me during the day, lying that he wasn't seeing OW when in fact he was still living with her. Neither of them was working. I was running our business alone, but giving him a paycheck. I let this continue for almost a year.

Finally last Spring, I couldn't take one more lie, one more false promise after he promised to come home on our 10th anniversary in April and then immediately disappeared again. I gave him an ultimatum to get sober and end contact with OW or our R was over. That was the last time I saw him. He continued to call and verbally harass me until last August when I changed my e-mail address and phone and cell numbers. I'm pursuing dv, focused on getting together financial info for accountants who will decide the value of our business so that I can buy him out (hopefully).

H has given up a lot for drugs, alcohol, and the OW. He hasn't worked in 2 years. His son's in prison for drug-related offenses. He's had no contact with his parents since blowing up at them several months ago because they refused to give him money. He totalled his truck driving drunk with a blood alcohol of 0.28 and was airlifted to the hospital. He has charges pending against him for breaking into and trashing my house and threatening to kill me. He recently declined a generous plea bargain offer and opted to go to trial. I haven't yet heard from the DA, but I expect to be subpoenaed to testify.

I've been going to Al-Anon 4X's/wk for the past 1.5 years. It's been a Godsend, along with MB. Despite all I've been through, or because of it, I've grown so much. I'm running our business alone - never thought I could do that. I've got many new friends and renewed old friendships that were damaged by the constant drama in my marriage. I know I can survive, and I intend to prosper.

I joined in Spring of 2001 when I discovered my H was having numerous EAs with local women he had met online, never knew if they went beyond that. This was happening during my fourth pregnancy and after our fourth baby was born. I've not been on the boards much lately because of Christmas and busy schedules and because I'm not marriage building anymore. I'm in Plan B mode.

In a nutshell, H was an abusive cybersex, phone sex, porn and masturbation addict. Had numerous D-Day's with him from April 2001 to the last one in July 2002 when we were on vacation with all of his brothers and sisters for a family reunion. I saw him chatting on his laptop late at night in our hotel room when me and the kids were sleeping in the same room. Pathetic.

I've read the MB books, done counselling with Jennifer and others with H dragging his feet the whole way. I've been on an antidepressant for over a year now ( a good choice for me). It's taken close to two years for me to figure out that he won't change. MB is a great concept when both spouses want to work on the marriage. So is anger management counselling when the person chooses to accept some responsibility for his actions. My husband keeps demonstrating he does not want to work on himself or our marriage.

As for me, I'm making plans to separate and I am presently looking for a place to live with our kids. This is not what I wanted but I can't live with him anymore.

Well, hello to all of you. I am from "way back when". I believe I found MB in August of 1999. D-Day for me was June 1, 1999. The A between H and former Best friend began June 16, 1997 which also happened to be my 40th birthday. June 1 each year makes me think of my half brother who sadly took his life 16 yrs ago over loss of a female companion :-(

Times are fine here-as good as they will ever get I think. I was so very grateful to MB-just for leading me to others in my shoes when I felt so alone. I used to "live" in MB-reading and devouring every word written by others. I finally stopped coming to MB after the OC found me here and caused some trouble and also when it became to hurtful for me to read over and again the garbage that each of us has had to put up with from those we love so very much.

I can't admit to being a true follower of MB principles. While I think the stuff here is great I am not made up of the stuff it takes to actually be a good MB'er. But in the same breath my H told me of his affair willingly-I hadn't a clue, he has been more than remorseful ever since, and he has given me no reason to feel he won't spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me.

I remember back when I thought I would die. I remember back when I wanted to die. I remember fearing someone would hurt me again and it would crack me to pieces. I can so clearly rememebr the pain of not only my H betraying me but my best friend. I longed to talk with her for such a very long time. Then we did talk. It became very clear to me that all she wanted was to apologize, have it be forgotten, yet somehow always make me feel as if my H was solely to blame for the entire 2 yr A. As much as I liked this old friend, as much as I wanted to just forget it and maybe work on being friends again I decided she was tearing me up inside. I told her good bye. That was March 2001. august 2001 she wrote me a very brief email saying lets meet all four of us and get the lies sorted out. I ignored her request. I had decided she had lied more than enough and I just don't think it was her lies she wanted to talk about. It took me a long time-like until about 6 months ago-to get over missing her. Now I feel as if I never knew her. I don't want to see her, hear from her, ever be near her again. I haven't amde friends with anyone again-I don't want a close friend to possibly destroy me again. Besides-LOL-I am more than myself can handle :-)

For all of you who think you will never recover-you will. It will always hurt but the pain sure does have a way of easing. I never thought it would-for so long it was fresh and real. But life goes on despite what happens to us each adn every day. I suggest you all do what is best for you-because you are what matters most :-)

God bless you!

Well I hate to say this, but it is good to see that mine is not the only marriage that is still not a success. I first found this site in early 1999. My wife's affair started up I think in January or February of that year. The affair lasted for about a year. Was an on and off again kind of thing. In 2000, I started counciling on my own and finally admitted and got help for my own problems, (alcholism). Attend AA and Alanon on regular basis, which has really helped me put new focus on my life. Been sober since then. My wife and I have tried several recovery things. Did some counciling with Steve Harley, attended retrouvaille and followup with Core. Did some joint marriage counciling with my councilor. My wife went back to school got a masters degree and I am in the process of doing the same. On an individual basis I think we have both come a long way, but marriage is still not good. I think our daughters are doing much better today also. As for me, I have learned to not put as much on the marriage as I used to, learned to let a lot of things go and don't get as angry as I used to. Focus much more on making myself better and try to blame my wife less. Still have work to do though. Still don't know what will happen with our marriage, but for now still hanging in there. Never thought I would still be on this site after all these years.

God's strength and much patience to all.