After reading your thread, I thought that folks might have a better understanding of where you are at in the withdrawal/recovery process if they had better info.

Can you be specific--when is the last time you had *any* contact (in person, by email, phone or accidental run-in) with the OM? And how long is the longest you've ever gone without any such contact? It could be that one reason you are still 'stuck' is that you haven't experienced the 'no-contact' long enough.

Martes

PHM=

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh on my first posting to you. I certainly didn't mean to, perhaps you are speaking of the other people who responded.

I was the WS, so I'm assuming you didn't mean me. I am so glad you've come here. These people are marvelous. JL (Just Learning) responded to your thread, I see. He has been fantastic in sharing his thoughts with me, as have so many others here with so many people--including me.

As JL said, your spouse loves you, and has chosen to forgive you. As I mentioned earlier, please savor that choice he has made. I pray daily that my (no , I pray more often than that for it) exH will forgive me. That's all I was trying to point out.

I still think of OM, but I do so occassionally only, and with deep regrets for the whole thing. He was a tremendous emotional support for me, ( or so I thought he was...the more I knew him, the worse it all was--addiction is the key word) although the whole A was a complete mistake. I understand how you feel. As JL said and I'm saying it again, these things are addictive and take months from which which to withdraw.

I hope I've not hurt you , and please accept my apologies if I have.
HP

Please help me,

You are a gift to this forum. I wish there were more WSs on this board. Please continue to share your experiences with us so that you can learn from people here and we can learn from you. I am proud of you for stepping up like this.

I would like to give a bit of defense to those you seem to be kind of bashing. You know the ones I mean. Even though you may not see it in their words, they want the best for you. Just as much as those whose advice you like. Perhaps the difference is they are not as far along in their personal growth as some of the oldtimers(or those whose natural talent is quick study).

I mean really, you have been married for 10 years, had an affair at the 5 year mark, the affair lasted 9 months, which means it has been 4+ years. You miss the guy, you miss the sex with the OM, you can't stand to have sex with your husband who is the betrayed spouse. There is continued contact with this OM.... I am surprised more people didn't judge you. Which is really not my intent, at least not where your trist is concerned.

My concern is that you seem to have trouble letting things go. The affair being the most obvious, but also what you percieve as posters attacking you. Do you have to keep bringing up that you feel slighted by some posters? The advice they gave was valid and some around here do not believe in coddling just to make you feel good. You will find this out more indepth if you stay here for long, and the ones whose advice you like will be the harshed to you if you continue to see the OM and continue the dishonesty with your husband.

Think the advice will be different from the WSes? Think again! Most WSes are trying to follow some portion of this site as well. Most believe in the radical honesty concept, which at the moment you are not following.

You are very welcome at this site. All I personally would ask is that you take the information and advice that will do you the most good. And, throw out the rest. Please do this without taking such offense at what someone says. Even though it may not have came accross in their posting, they want to see you succeed, whether in your marriage or personally. That is what gives everyone hope for themselves, and for their own recovery. Seeing success.

I would like to ask you to seek out LEXXY, a WS that may be able to understand some of what you are dealing with.

Now I won't post to you again as I am sure to will take this as an attack on you and it really is not.

I wish you the best in your life.

jd

Okay, PHM, I hope I have read thoroughly what everyone else has posted because I have a different viewpoint.

As the betrayed spouse, I feel I have done a few things in my marriage to cause an environment for my WH affair to have happened. Yes, it was his choice to have that affair and it was WRONG. But I have to admit that if I had been a more caring and loving wife to my husband it might not have happened.

What it comes down to is that we weren't meeting each other's emotional needs. Please take the time to print the Emotional Needs questionnaire from this site and fill it out. Please print one out for your husband and have him fill it out too. This is what went wrong in your marriage 5 years ago and hasn't been fixed yet.

I truly hope that you buy Surviving an Affair and read it. I just finished it and will give it to my husband tonight for him to read. I plan on buying His Needs, Her Needs this weekend if I can find it. I ordered SAA from this website and I was VERY pleased that it came in about 3 days and was wrapped very plainly - twice!

While you may think that some of these posts are mean or harsh please understand that sometimes that's what it takes to bring WS out of the FOG. I realize that you haven't had contact in 6 months and that's great. But that's also a tough thing to hear that it takes NO CONTACT to end the affair. Everytime contact is initiated, the withdrawal period starts over. So while the A ended 5 years ago, you've only been in withdrawal for 6 months.

Good luck and please keep posting and updating us.
DB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Please help me:
<strong>The first few who responded really wanted to lash out. I think all they read was "continued contact" and got pissed. You last 4 really READ what i wrote -- EVERYTHING -- and tried to help and understand.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't usually post to WS, if you think my warning clause is lashing out you have not seen one yet. You are a very smart woman, you have realized that continues contact is the primary reason for red flag. Put more details, the more details you post the better response you will get such as trying to have NC for 6 months before the last relapse.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Finally, i've read a couple times now that the "withdrawal" process takes about 6 months. Not true in my case. Over the past few years, the contact has been about 4 months between and this last time, it had been over 6 months. So what happened that made me depressed again? I knew I wasn't over him, but felt like I was on my way. When the setback came upon me, it felt like no time had passed at all. I don't understand this. The only thing I can think of is that i haven't fully dealt with things.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is no simple rule on withdrawal. However as smart as you are, you probably know "the triggers" ... avoid it at all cost. If staying home is a problem, get busy w/ voluntering at local charities or school. Throw away phone# and make your local company to block outgoing call !. Get rid off anything that reminds yourself of him. You get the picture. Your feeling after the relapse is normal, you are starting from zero again. If you read "how A should end" you will understand the widrawal process.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The problem i face is not feeling better if I don't contact him. You hear about drug addicts who think "if i can beat this craving", etc., and then feel better. But not in my case. I've tried that and I don't feel any better. I know, I KNOW...contacting him does me no good. Every time I have I walk away thinking, "what was I thinking/doing???" My problem is that I have no one to turn to (THUS, finding this site) and that is one reason I had turned to him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The fix that you get from OM need to get higher and intense each time to satisfy the craving. The first few contacts you need .5 gram then you need 1 gram then you need more to take a coke/heroin addiction analogy. Like any fix, you feel better for short period of time and then you hate for what you have done but at some point you crave again for more. Now in your case, your fix is wethering down, thanks God. You didn't get what you need thus there is no "good feeling" at all afterward but you still longing for something.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>....I told him last night that i dont' want to relive this again and was sorry he has too as well, but that it's something I have to do b/c i don't think i really dealt with it in the beginning.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bring him in to post too and ask him to learn about MB. He needs also to know that many has dealt with this issues and many has a better M than before and survive A.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Anyway, sorry for the long post, but like I said, the past 6 months did nothing to make my feelings for the OM dissipate. This is one of my main frustrations. This is what I want help with. I feel like I'm going crazy. I keep saying "what's wrong with me?" Besides time, what will help me get over him?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Details only help, don't worry about long post. There is nothing wrong with you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . It is normal when A is not ended properly and you&your H has not walk straight on the narrow road to recovery. Your OM is fillin at least one or more ENs that your H fails to fill. As part of dealing with this mess, you & your H have to learn to full fill each other ENs. Again read up on 4 rules of recovery or better known as 4 gifts of love. Care (fillin each other ENs), protect (avoid LB at all cost), time (as much quality time you could spend, min 15h/week), and honesty (radical honesty to make your H as a true mate and you as his Adam's rib). Like you say, don't worry about your feeling to OM (they are valid) ... how do you battle evil ?, by doing good ! Salomon has identified this in His wisdom.

I will give you my 2¢ then I stop posting to you and let others help you out. Get medication if you are not in it already, also for your H. Learn to avoid your triggers whatever it takes. Let your H knows about this website and ask him to learn/read up on MB, there is a recovery board that he could post some questions. Write up NC letter and let your H read & deliver it. Make sure you let H know that he could any questions any time on your A and you will be honest and it might hurt him but it is for the better in the long run. Dont' start to build a wall, a wall of dishonesty. Post here to get second view if you want to, be dry and short, your OM might need to heal too. Print out LBQ, ENQ & RAQ for both of you and fill it up w/ Radical Honesty. Find time away from all distractions to discuss the questionairs and each other answer.

BTW: my WW's OM uses himself as a victim need rescuing. Don't know if your as well. Check this link and this site has a lot of info. on addictions.

Good luck and God Blesses you -rh-

It's me -- PLEASE HELP ME. I had to change my info b/c my password got messed up. ?????

Anyway, this will probably be the last I post/read any of these. I'm not giving up; I'm just not finding the kind of support and help i was looking for by trying the forum. I'm sure all of you tried to help in some way. Hopefully I'll find what I need in the resources from this site and working with my H.

I don't have time to read through all of these and especially don't want to waste my time reading others nasty comments. I want to feel better about myself, not worse. I was looking for specific help and ended up finding it myself anyway.

To Hopeful Person -- no, I didn't take your post as being harsh. The ones who lashed out know who they are (jdmac1 is obvious -- does he make his mark like that on all posts??? Makes one feel sorry for him.). Thank you for your response though. Wish there was a way to communicate with those of you personally vs. these posts.

Luki your post (as well as HP's) brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your support and kind words.

I'm sorry to be leaving but I know what my issues are. Obviously none of you know my background, how I grew up, etc., etc. I know we all probably think we're going through different things and think our situations are unique. But like I said, I entered this site in hopes of finding someone who has survived the same struggle I'm going through and that they could share with me what helped them. But since I didn't, I need to continue my quest.

Although these past years have at times been long, chaotic, sad, emotional and draining, I'm glad I've reached a point where I realize I need to delve a bit deeper into all this. This setback gave me a "push" to do the work that I didn't want to and didn't make time for. There's so much info out there and everything is so overwhelming. I don't know what's right and don't know the answers. All I know is that I want to be with my husband and live my life the best I can and find what is right for me.

Although I'm not the religious type, for those of you who are, please pray for me that I will get over the OM and become closer and more connected to my H. I've known for a long time that the contact was pointless, and hopefully will find within myself what I was seeking. I've printed out the emotional questionaire and have ordered the book. Something's gotta help, right?

I'm going to continue to count my blessings and find comfort in my husband and child. Isn't it funny how in the grand scheme of things that the feelings i have seem so trivial? Yet at other times they consume me? At least I'm doing better than I was regarding being depressed. That sucked. I never want to go back to that. No more happy pills for me!

Thanks again and good bye.

J.O.,

You are welcome to post on any of my threads. I would encourage you to do so. Keep lurking here too. Here are links to my threads:

Beyond Affairs Network(BAN)????

Luki's MC Session(s). Input Please

I'm the BS, but I got the boot!!

The others are in my signature line. I hope you do post. I need all the guidance I can get and pass no judgements on what you may say. Maybe I can help you too. Hope to hear from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think it is very helpful to get help from someone on the other side of an affair.

Just Observing/Please help me-
It doesn't sound like you'll be back, but in case you are and would like to chat, feel free to write me at ashirley1@hotmail.com I'm a former WS, my last contact with OM was 8 months ago, but it's been hard and I have some of the difficulties you've written about. So write if you'd like.
Take care,
Ashirley

Please help me. Dear please, you're fantasizing! Given enough time with this om, he'd become someone you didn't have feelings for too. your in the fantasy, not reality! the reason you think it was so good is you were in fantasyland all the time with this guy. No responsibilities, no bill paying, no illnesses so sit through, just fun and games. he used you! Wake up and smell the coffee. And for goodness sake, worship this h you have. He's near a saint and doesn't deserve it. Did you know counselors say men are more effected by A than women? AS a BS I can tell you it hurts me like hell and I'm female. So if it effects men worse, I wouldn't want to even know part of his feelings. Put you thinking in perspective. Think of the negative things about the OM. He's surely not pining away over you and has probably had dozens of other Women since you! He would have broken your marriage, then most likely dumped you soon after. Of those who leave for other person, only 25 % do, only 5% last. That's bad odds. You have a 100% chance with you H, but would have only 5% with the jerk, Uh, sorry, OM. Anyone who puts you in that type of jeopardy can't give a tinkers damn about you and your life and future! Start thinking of all you have and what this guy didn't have or willing to give you. the sex would have worn out in time and then you'd have nothing to lean on. God bless, LouLou

Please/JO,

Please lurk even if you're not comfortable posting.

Consider counseling with one of the Harleys. Their approach is different from traditional therapy. What Steve Harley(my personal experience) offers is "coaching". He will guide you to write a marital recovery plan. He is tremendous with WS; and will give you the support and encouragement you need.

He deals with WS guilt/grief and will give you a plan to address that as well. With your willingness to work on your M and your H's willingness to forgive and recover; he'll have you on the fast track to recovery.

I've had lots of traditional counseling. Most of it was inadequate. With the MB coaching concept; SH doesn't waste any time on what your past childhood history is; etc.

He starts in the here and now; and gives you the tools so that you and your H can become each other's coaches. Blessings to you! CSue

PHM-
How to get where I described is very difficult to explain. Sort of like giving directions when you know the destination but not the names of streets.
What I can tell you is that I believe I received guidance from God and connected with someone that could help me the first try. I was seriously considering suicide and may very well have killed myself if I had not gotten help.
I cannot tell you if your counselor is right for you but I will say that what worked for me was to find someone who was more of a guide or coach. Also, I found group therapy very helpful because I could see in others more easily what I later could see in myself. I was given tools or methods of working with myself to dig up, explore, come to terms with, repair what was in me and what experiences caused me to be what I had become. I found transactional analysis very helpful in particular.
I will pray for God to guide you.

Okay, the first thing I have to say is that you are totally addicted and may even be "in love" with this OM. Before I met my H, I was "in love" with this guy that treated me horribly. He slept around on me constantly, was a dancer with a true narcissistic personality disorder and literally surrounded himself with adoring women while I lived with him. I was so addicted to the sex I completely lost sight of reality. I finally came to the end of my straw when he started flying down to Miami every other weekend, (he lives in Oregon) to see his new girlfriend. I said, I am outta here. I packed my bags and left. I still saw him several times after that, and then finally decided no contact. I had almost two years of NO CONTACT. I thought about this man every single day. I tracked him on the internet, I was like a secret stalker. He dominated my thoughts. He was everywhere and in my every thought. I finally saw him again after the third year. Yep, ended up in bed with him again. But this time, it was still good - but - a little different. Wasn't as ADDICTIVE as it was the first time around. I kind of saw the seamy ooky side of him. Met my H - dated them both about the same time. Finally left him for good for my H.

Now, fast forward a couple of years. What do I see in this man I practically wasted 5 years of my life on? NOTHING. He was a cad, a no good guy that had charm and great sex going for him. NOTHING else of consequence. Morals? Nope. Someone you could count on for love and honor? No! He said he was full of honor, (former Marine) but not when it came to relationships with women. So, it may take some time. It may really take a couple of years to get over this OM. But, if you love your husband, then it will happen.

So, there's good news and bad news. Here's the next thing I want to give for advice. Get a better therapist. I have gone through a few therapists. You pay them money. They need to HELP you. They do NOT need to help you figure out how to clean your wedding ring! Make a couple of calls. Find someone that specializes in affair recovery. You need to go WITH your husband, I am not a big believer in IC. You need joint counseling because you need to learn to talk and communicate and love each other again as a couple. Make sure the counselor knows you are only going as a trial basis. That way you can back out if you don't like her. And yes, you BOTH need to like and agree on her.

It's not easy if you've fallen in love with someone else - but if you ever were truly in love with your husband, then you can fall back in love and eventually he can take the place of this person you most probably have built up in your mind.

I can tell you this; that if the OM knows you are married and yet still let himself be pursued or pursued you, I don't care what redeeming qualities he shows, he has deeply flawed character and you do NOT want him as a lifetime companion.

I will write more a little later.

K

Ok, I am honestly a little afraid to post, but you know, if my mistakes or any of the "experiences" that I have had can help you, me or anyone else here, then I'll risk it.

I know exactly what you are going through. Why? I've been through it myself and still struggle with it occassionally. I can't help you move forward, only you can do that, but I can sympathise with you and let you know that you are not alone.

It took me a very long time to not feel like there was NO hope of getting over the other man. Why? Because I love(d) him. It wasn't the fog that so many people here talk about, I honestly, truly love(d) this man. Was it wrong? Yup. Did/does that make it any less real? Nope.

Like you, I can now see that the FOM manipulated situations, manipulated my trust, took advantage of me and generally always put himself before everyone else. He still does, really. Should have been pretty easy to get over a guy like that, right? Wrong. Withdrawal the first time was torture, I barely functioned. Three months after we stopped seeing each other (though we were still visually seeing each other at church), I thought I was going to mentally break down. Now, in the meantime, I was being WAY too vocal about my feelings and what I had been going through on the net, because it seemed like an innocculous place to voice what was going on. After all, noone there knows you or will judge you, right? (LOL) Wrong. Turns out, his wife was on the internet, had made up a personality and was "befriending" me, sympathising with me and drawing out all the details. Now this wasn't good for her or me, because apparently he had still been lying to her and this was how she was catching him. For me, I never allowed myself to refocus on what I ought to have. Eventually, the situation exploded and he called to "rescue me." As I never got through the withdrawal, I went back to him. And I seemed/felt much happier. So, my first piece of advice is try your hardest to not think about the other man and if you do, try to keep it in perspective. Don't glorify him or think about the happy times in your affair; instead think about how you had to lie to everyone to be with him, how you hurt your marriage, your family, threw aside your morals... get the picture? When you find yourself thinking of the affair/the OM, if you refocus on the negative aspects of it, you'll find you probably will start thinking of it a lot less.

The second thing, or maybe it's really the first, is to realize what he was to you and then let it go. Why did you start seeing him to begin with? For me, it was that he made me feel wanted/important/cared for... things that my husband hadn't cared to show me and hadn't felt about me in a long time. He was my friend and we confided in each other; we developed a connection that we should have always distanced ourselves from and over time, we came to love each other. Or, at least he said he loved me, but that's another story and not the point. Bottom line: he fufilled needs that weren't being met by my husband. And, after the affair, as long as my husband wasn't meeting them, I still struggled with them. I still struggle with it, sometimes, because not all of my EN are being met. But, this leads me to my third point...

If you did truly love this man, there is an aspect to love called sacrifice. Sometimes, you have to give something up for the person you love. If you really love this other man, then love him by sending him away and having no further involvement with him. In my case, the FOM still calls. I'm sure he thinks I hate him, though it's not the case. I do love him, that's why I'm not going to ever see him again. Why? Because, at least at this time, we are still married and it's wrong. I can't stop him from seeing someone else, but I can send him back home by not continuing to encourage him. It's hard sometimes, because what I felt for him was real, although wrong. I can't justify what I did, and you shouldn't either. But, I feel good knowing that I can show this man acceptable love by not causing him to stumble further.

Next, and probably most importantly, I am VERY honest about all of this with my husband. He knows exactly how I feel and when I struggle with things, I tell him. He knows every time the FOM calls and has even helped me prove that it was him calling (husband works for the phone company) when I thought perhaps I was going crazy. When I couldn't handle the phone calls anymore, I called him and we discussed a course of action. Because of this, my husband feels very confidant that I'm not going to make the same mistakes that I've made in the past. I'm not sure he'd care if I did, but that, too, is another story. My point: you took vows with your husband to be honest. Yes, you've broken a couple, but that doesn't justify you continuing to break others. You need to level with your husband. Don't think you're doing him any favors by bottling it up. A lot of us WS want to play the martyr and carry the burden of guilt... thinking our greatest punishment is carrying this alone to save our spouses from hurt. In reality, it's a total crock. We may not want to hurt our spouses, but we are hurting them more by continuing to lie and sabotaging any real chance of having a relationship. Also, this steals the right your spouse has to make their own decisions. Your husband may not want to play runner-up to this man and that's his right to decide that. For you to take that from him tells him that you still have very little respect for him. Bottom line: you need to fess up for the good of your marriage and because you want to love and respect your husband and want to try to rebuild your marriage. If you can't do it for that reason, then why don't you just do it because it's the right thing to do... it's basal human respect.

Finally, sometimes we forget that feelings are fickle and not to be trusted. Sometimes, we need to do things because they are the right thing to do; not because we necessarily feel like doing them. When we feel like we want to be with someone else, it makes it hard to want to be with your husband/wife. Little things that are SO important to them like, touching, holding hands, talking, snuggling, sex... those all become hard to do because we don't FEEL like doing it. But, I urge you to do it anyway. Why? Because they need it. Eventually, you'd be suprised, it does become easier and then finally, second nature again. But if you're noticing that your relationship is lacking, I PROMISE you your BS notices it, too.

I hope some of this helped. Feel free to email me anytime at musicofcalypso@aol.com I'm not perfect by any means, and I may not have an answer for you, but I promise not to bash you and do my best to hear what you're saying. If you are a Christian, might I suggest reading Ephesians and 1 Corinthians and Proverbs 31? There is a lot of great reading there on submission, ways to build a good marriage and the definition of your role as a wife and what a "good wife" is. Gives you something to meditate on when you find yourself thinking of the FOM and hey... we can never know enough scripture! Take care and God Bless.

<small>[ December 02, 2002, 06:23 PM: Message edited by: TheStorm ]</small>

Hi! Sorry to see you here, but it's good to see you want to do what's right. If you are out of the affair, have you looked at some kind of support group? They can really help you understand that you are not alone in feeling this way and can help you have accountability, which we can all use. I'd strongly recommend you checking into that.

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: dfwbangroup ]</small>

Storm, I would like to commend you on your post for this thread, I hope she reads it and makes an effort to email you. I appreciate that fact that you took your time to write such a long thread and offered and reached out to help her thru this. I am a BS, but I appreciated your words, how is the OM and his BS getting along by the way, are they trying to put their M back together? You said he still calls you, is he as honest to his BS as you are with your H. I also know you did not speak much about your personal story, I for one would be interested in hearing it because I feel there is alot more you are not saying and would like to.I hope you feel comfortable sharing your experiences and what lead you to them as a learning tool for others that may be in your situation. I welcome you, and I hope you will decide to continue posting. Take Care Storm.

Neesha (and anyone else who cares to know) ~

Yes, I did get in touch with Just Observing through email. I offered to her what I would offer to anyone requesting help: I offered to be a sounding board as she works towards the positive (in other words, I don't need the details of her, nor anyone else's affair) and offer her what little insight I've gained and what I would hope would be practical support while she is rebuilding her marriage.

No, I didn't post my whole story. Why? Some of it doesn't need to be told, I guess, because it serves no positive purpose that I can yet see and because it would provoke a lot of angry, hurt feelings from people and that's not the point of this forum. It's about rebuilding and surviving through affairs, not reliving the past, right? As far as the FOM and his BS, I can only guess how they are doing, as I have not spoken with them about it. For him to continue to call me, I can only guess it's not good. And no, I sincerely doubt he's told his wife or his accountability partner he still calls me. His wife has never seemed to be the type to be happy playing second fiddle (at least I hope she has more self-respect than that) and from the one time his A.P. called me, I could tell he didn't know.

My day to day struggles as both a BS and a WS are not unique; there are moments that I'd love to go back into the fog, because doing the wrong thing so often feels better (quite deceptive, Satan is in that respect) and there are times I miss the man that, though wrong, I came to love. There are times when I try to do what I see a lot of BSs doing here: take responsibility for the state of the FOM's current marital state. When this happens, though, I remind myself that he was a grown man nearly a decade older than myself and, like I, knew full well what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway. And when I try to blame him for the hurt he caused me by things he did to me, I remind myself that I was the one who chose to break my vows and entangle myself with another man outside of my marriage. There's a dose of reality for you. As the BS, there are days that I think it would be so much easier to not be married to a man who sees monogamy as a bane and his family an impediment. I remind myself that God will see me through this, too. I remind myself (and I have two other counselors reminding me weekly) that I am responsible for my actions (and of course the actions of my children) alone, and that I can not change him. Some days that's easier to accept than others.

Will we make it? Today, I don't know. I won't talk about his situation because that's not for me to say and as a good friend of mine pointed out yesterday, however complete I may think it to be, it's just one side of the story. I know that last night he asked me if I wanted a divorce. He told me he had been thinking about it and thinks it would be easier. He's 100% right about that, being divorced is certainly easier than being married. But that doesn't make it right.

I'm not sure if I answered all the questions you had Neesha, but feel free to start a new thread and ask me anything you want. I can't promise I'll reply to everything (because as I said, I'm keenly aware there are a lot of emotions involved with the people on this board and I do not want to cause more hurt), but I'll certainly do my best. Thanks for your concern. Given last night's events, I really needed it today.

Smiling through tears,
TheStorm

The Storm,

Count me as another who is grateful for your post. You have alot to offer MBers. I understand your hesitation to post much; as I've noticed those in pain around here can lash out.

I am finally in a position where I can empathize with my FWH regarding his feelings for the OW; and his guilt in how his actions hurt me and our family. It is a struggle for him; because his actions were not reflective of the person he truly is. I think his betrayal of himself and his ideals/morals was more painful to him than his betrayal of me.

We work together now and assist each other in healing. I wish that for you and your H too. Blessings CSue

Wow! I need to read all of these posts. But, I just wanted to let you know.......I am in the same boat as you. And.....I understand EXACTLY how you are feeling. You KNOW what you SHOULD be doing, how you SHOULD be feeling, and that keeping your marriage intact is the RIGHT thing to do. But, HOW do you do it??? How do you give up something/someone who meant so much??? even though it was the wrong thing to do.

Sighhhh... I will read more of these posts and perhaps post again. Its good to at least know that someone is going through the same thing I've been going through for more than a year. Its tough to change your feelings and to MAKE yourself feel a certain way.

Just when I say...OK< this is going to be good, and I talk myself into loving my hubby and to having sex.... it just doesnt feel natural or right...in fact, its sometimes pretty fake. Our marriage counsellor said.."fake it till ya make it", is that the answer?????

Thanks for posting this... I've been wanting to share this for a longggggggggg longgggggggggggg time, but I also wanted to be sensitive to the BS's in here.

Will post later.....

FWSs, could you, if you have not already, please comment on my thread in Recovery:

To FWSs: What turned the tide?

Sure I have a lot of anger(not at you guys/gals) but I need help understanding how the WS thinks and what things I can do and what things I shouldn't do. Please help me. Thanks! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />