Oh yeah, you are welcome to post on these as well!
I will certainly return the favor.

Beyond Affairs Network(BAN)????

Luki's MC Session(s). Input Please

I'm the BS, but I got the boot!!

My first thought is....please don't bring a baby into this. If you don't feel committed enought to stay with your husband for life, your child doesn't deserve to go through that. I suggest lots of counseling, and I do mean lots. If you really want to feel better, you have to realize this is an ADDICTION. Also, if this man cheated with you, don't you think he might cheat on you?

My H's OW cheated on her first husband with her second, and on her second with my husband. If she doesn't get counseling, I'm sure she'll do it again.

I give you credit for coming here. I pray that you can heal and rebuild your marriage.

maggie rose, you don't get it -- did you read everything???? The baby isn't the issue. I want to be with my H not the om. I was in a position where I thought I was ready to have another one b/c i thought i was on my way to recovery. Then i had a setback. And now I'm trying to heal from it.

It's funny you're the first to touch on that.

No one else needs to reply to the baby thing. That's pretty much a moot issue.

btw, my H and I will decide that. thank you.

TheStorm
You've put your finger on a few things that have bothered me including this: "When we feel like we want to be with someone else, it makes it hard to want to be with your husband/wife. Little things that are SO important to them like, touching, holding hands, talking, snuggling, sex... those all become hard to do because we don't FEEL like doing it. "

Isn't this exactly the kind of "hints" the BS gets when something seems wrong? I know it was in our marriage. Those things ARE important and when an OP enters the picture and the affair begins, those are the first things to disappear, the small, warm meaningful bridges between partners. And they do not reappear if the OP is still on the mind of the WS.

But, as dozens of other WS's have pointed out on these boards over the past few months, just stopping the affair doesn't stop the emotions they feel. The OP can be very difficult to get over, especially if, for the WS, there was no closure to that relationship. So the WS continues their "love" for the OP. In so many instances, like KS in a post above, even though the OP is " a cad, a no good guy that had charm and great sex going for him. NOTHING else of consequence", the WS still feels bonded to the OP.

So when that scenario is played, the small, warm, fuzzy things just never return to the marriage quite the same way. It sure accounts for what happened in our marriage. Now I understand much more. Now I know why my wife never warmed up to me again after her affairs.

There's a huge difference between loving somebody and being IN LOVE with someone. You can love someone like a brother/ have great respect for/ hold in high regard/ think a lot of/ , etc. But that isn't being IN LOVE. (I was told by WW after her affairs that she "learned to love" me again. Don't think that didn't hurt. Loving me was no longer an easy thing to do. It had to be "learned"!)

How does the WS get over the OP? Maybe they just don't. On another thread weeks ago,I posted that the BS's feelings of being "second best" do not go away. I can see now that that these two things are related. The BS will always sense being second when the WS is still connected emotionally to the OP.

I don't know if either TheStorm or KS were married when they were seeing their married men, but I have to wonder in those situations when a WS stops the affairs with the OP's, how many are really able to re-connect (IN LOVE) with their BS. Not just in a "loving" mode, but with real passion and desire such as they felt for the OP.

You want to be with your H, but you are still obsessing over the OM 5 years later? Sorry, I don't get it. Sounds like you want both to me.

Does your H know how much you think about this OM? If not, I sure hope you don't convince him to have another child. That would be very sad.

There are many, many wonderful counselors out there. It's unfortunate that you didn't find one. But you still can. If underlying depression and low self esteem have contributed to your feelings and the affair, and you don't get help for it, I think you will feel 'stuck.'

I have no doubt that my marriage would have ended without counseling. We spent over $5000 of our own money on a very limited budget thru the years for counseling. It was a saving grace for us.

Check around and don't give up on counseling. An objective 3rd party can really help. After you tackle this alone with a counselor, I suggest going with your husband. Good luck

Please help me: Do you want to feel good about yourself? It's called strength and determination. You seem to have a great husband. If he thought you weren't good enough for him or deserving, he would not have married you in the first place. Now it's time to grow up, and take responsibility for you actions. That means telling the OM to buzz off! Get lost, take a hike. All he's done for you is bring your self esteem down lower. Doesn't anybody (WS) get it? These people are using you, Bringing you pain and total frustration into your life. Messing it up big time. You consider that love? NOT! Why do the WS always think they are special to the people helping them cheat in a marriage? The OM probably has someone else in his life as well as you. And even if you left your H, the OM would run then and fast and far I think. One of the reasons people have A's with married people is they feel safe from commitment. Soon as they tire of the game, they're off with someone else. And many a person has left their marriages for another, only to wind up alone. I think you need to see this OM has no respect for you, uses you and couldn't care less what happens to you down the line. While you have a H who does care enough to still want to share his life with you. The only problem you really have it making up your mind. Pick one and leave the other behind. NO Contact. Whether it be your H or the other Man. But quit having your cake and eating it too. Nobody said it would be easy, but then it isn't easy for your H either. And you created this mess yourself. So it's your responsibility to end it. You can't rebuild anything with your H as long as you keep this other jerk in your life. Said enough. LouLou

Lou Lou-

I think she was talking about how to handle the contact that's going on in her HEAD. She very plainly stated that she wants her husband, but is having trouble dealing with lingering thoughts of the OM.

TheStorm: you are right, I went back and read Pleasehelpme's letter. Where she had said she had continued contact I mistook for meaning still. Apologies to Pleasehelpme.I am a BS and sometimes I am wondering if we wouldn't be better off having let the A burn itself out!You do need counseling because I still believe you are fantasizing.You never really know a person until you've lived the ever day life with them. And shared all the ups and downs. In an A all you see if the good times. No responsibilities, no worry other than getting caught, and just living the fun time. Perhaps a counselor could help you put this in perspective. A reality check so to speak. My H's counselor told him and showed him, that I was way up high on the scale and the OW was way down low. My H actually said he would have been miserable if he'd left me for her. Start finding fault with the OM. And everyone has them.Make a list of your H's good qualities and bad. Then do the same with OM but be absolutely honest. As for the Sex, of course someone new gives that new tingle, but the actual act can be better with your H if you really stop imagining this OM with you.Try getting away as often as you can with H and creating that romantic astosphere you had with OM. That being in another place without the day to day responsibilities was probably 90% of the thrill! make new memories with H.And try new things. Turn up the heat!hehe Good luck and God bless, LouLou