This afternoon I was getting the Christmas stuff out of the attic when a huge trigger hit me. I just started sobbing. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Last year Christmas was the worst I've ever had due to multiple Ddays before and just after Christmas. This year I decided not to put myself thru everything - the decorating, the waiting for WH to come home & when he's here just lay around & not participate in the family. Last year he took off unexpectantly just before New Years to be with OW2. Yipes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

WH is/was Mr. Christmas. I never liked putting up all that stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love having it around the house, I just don't want to put it up. WH is home for Thanksgiving (He's been home less than 2 weeks the whole year of 2002).

Most of the time I am OK but it really hit me this afternoon. My alanon sponsor suggested that I have no expectations on this visit & for the most part I didn't. Until this & I feel sad for what is not.

It's amazing, I have trouble finding things to say to WH. We have spent sooo much time apart and there is still this huge crator bewteen us. I know this can't go on forever, I won't be able to take it but it seems WH can go on and on. He told me in our last conversation, that I would need to decide if I wanted him. Mind you he has not taken any action towards real recovery. So in reality, he's not going to file, he's waiting for me to do it or just limp along for God knows how long.

When I read posts of the newbies, I realize how far I have come in just over a year. I don't dont if our M will make it or not, but I know I will. I am very glad, that I have done it the MB way, as I have grown and met some great friends here on these boards.

OS is headed back to college now & I miss him being here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He has such a great outlook on life. He chooses everyday to be happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Most people are amazed by him. He's also the one that told me not to stay M to his Dad just for the kids, that they had already talked it over & the older 2 would get the youngest thru it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I hope everyone did have a HAPPY Thanksgiving.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
D.

This was my first Thanksgiving without my XW and kids. I cooked a regular Turkey Day feast and planned on putting up an X-Mas tree over the weekend. It was struggle and did okay until I went to get my X-Mas tree at the usual place. XW and the OM were there when I got there. Needless to say no tree and a pretty miserable afternoon.

I'm going to build my resolve back up and get a tree and do the holiday stuff no matter what. Forceing my way through.

WillGetThruThis,

Part of rebuild is getting a new way of life. I told my 2 D that we are not going to go to car show on the day after turkey day as we did always. My WW brought OM & his kids there yesterday. We are going to decorate our house, outdoor I mean, a new tradition and memories that they could cherish when they are old. This is a new life, a new tradition to build upon ... also for me is avoiding triggers. We will get thru this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , we are a survivor of A.

God Blesses you. -rh-

Last Chance,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It was struggle and did okay until I went to get my X-Mas tree at the usual place. XW and the OM were there when I got there. Needless to say no tree and a pretty miserable afternoon

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So sorry to hear that. Even though we know things like that may happen, it's hard to not get emotional. Last year, I got a tree cut down for me (WH had ususally done that) & ended up with a gargantua tree <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> It was really kind of funny - it looked so much smaller at the tree farm !!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm going to build my resolve back up and get a tree and do the holiday stuff no matter what. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes we just have to go thru the motions till our hearts catch up!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is a new life, a new tradition to build upon ... also for me is avoiding triggers. We will get thru this , we are a survivor of A.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">redhat - I hadn't thought about new traditions in part to avoid triggers. What an insite. I guess that's why I am going to my Mom's as we had always had Christmas at home. Kids are excited so that is good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are going to decorate our house, outdoor I mean, a new tradition and memories that they could cherish when they are old. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like the way you have described the new traditions - something to be cherished for years. Maybe we could all post some of those *new* traditions to have something to look back on.

As I was going to pick up YS from friends, I realized that WH & I are not supposed to be buddy buddy or on close terms. This is a natural consequence of what is going on. There is a lot between us and for right now that is OK. (Not what I want but it's ok to feel this way now)
I was able to relax & just let things happen (or not) this afternoon. Right now YS & WH are watching football together. YS really misses his Dad & so I am happy they can enjoy time together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

D.

I wouldn't call it a trigger...

I'd call it grief. And its ok to grieve. (((hugs)))

Put our tree up Saturday and whilst it wasn't too bad for me it hit the three kids really hard. HAd about an hour of tears before I got them calmed down. I'm expecting more struggles with them and myself actually over xmas. Guess we just have to bite the lip and get thru. I am surrounding us with family which I think is probably the best bet.

Neil.

I find it incredibly hard to look at pictures. Which is super hard because I love to scrapbook. I look at pictures from this summer and wonder, "Were we happy then" or "Was the A going on then?"

I also look at my dayplanner and think the same thing. It's incredible what a trigger is.

Last night he had some guys over for cards and I woke up at 1:30 and he still wasn't in bed yet. It sent me reeling because he used to stay up really late "playing computer games and checking his email" - actually talking to OW on IM. He hasn't done that since DDAY but all of a sudden I was right back there.

Anyway, sorry to vent about this but it hit me hard.
DB

Br,

Thank you.

Porsche,

It's comforting to know that I am not alone, however I do not with this on anyone. It's especially hard when it's the kids.

db,

It's amazing to me what can actually trigger the memories ... for you it is pictures and your dayplanner.... for others it's music or places.
I can relate to it hitting you hard.

D.

OOOOOPPPPPSSSS

POSTED ON THE WRONG THREAD

PLEASE EXCUSE THIS INTERUPTION ....

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>