D-day was over a year ago. My H was very hurt, SO angry, sad and felt the same range of emotions and betrayal most BSs do. The EA ended immediately and I started to Plan A my H. I initiated NC with the OM shortly after d-day. I took complete responsibility for what I did (my H has never accepted the issues or his role that contributed to the A - he said it did not matter why it happened, the point is that I ruined our marriage).

The day after D-day, we went to counseling and continued to for a few weeks and then my H said he no longer wanted to go because it made him angry to talk about it. He is a very quiet and reserved person. He said he would bring up the subject of the A if he wanted to talk about it. Since then, I have not mentioned it to him (other then the time I told my H that the OM had tried to contact me - please look at my previous posts for details). Ever since, I have been trying to find a way to discuss what happened w/him and move on to recovery and strengthening our marriage. We share great times together. He treats me very sweetly, but we just have not dealt with the A and how it has damaged our relationship.

I have avoided discussing this with him because I really don't want to bring back triggers or upset him again. I feel like I am walking on eggshells just to keep him happy and staying with me. On D-day, he grilled me w/many questions - which I answered for him. During MC (a year ago), he told the counselor that the only reason he was still in the marriage was because he promised to be here for better or for worse. Now I wonder if that is still the only reason he is still here. I feel like I should not rock the boat and bring up the subject, but I also feel that we both deserve a better marriage and should stop avoiding what happened.

How do I approach him? Why doesn't he want to talk about this (which seems so hard to understand considering all of the BS at MB that are working so hard to make their marriages strong)? Should I bring him here to MB, should I ask him to fill out the EN questionnaire with me? I would really appreciate any thoughts - we can not continue silently like this for another year.

You are right you can't continue on. It's not a healthy, loving relationship. It's not fair to either one of you. He really needs to stop punishing you.

I think bringing him here is a great idea. I also think printing the questionnaires on this site, filling them out and sharing them is a great idea. If you haven't already bought the book Surviving an Affair, that is available on this website, do so and share it with your husband.

I know that opening old wounds is hard and something that will be unpleasant. However, it sounds like the wound needs to be cleaned before it can heal completely. Good luck.

sorrowful,
Have you read The Language of Love ?. Go and construct word pictures that work for your H. Open the communication using word pictures. I am male BS ... don't try to find solutions for us, just try to present the problem. Your main goal is to let H know the situation and avoid at all cost to sugest solution to solve it and don't press H to find one either. If H ask you what to do, give him multiple choice solutions including all of the above check box. Make sure H feels that he own the solutions. Beneath all those angers is hurt. H is not punishing you but afraid to get hurt again and the only way is to be reserved. With this in mind construct word pictures to let him know that there were something missing and you had made mistake to seek it somewhere else ... now you are back but the missing part is still here and you wish your H to be the one to fullfill it ... what to do ?. You want to have happiness for both of you.

About LBQ & ENQ, for now just print & fill it up for him. You don't need to be 100% accurate or in the correct order of top ENs ... as long as you could identify top 5 ENs it is good enough for you to lay the ground work.

-rh-

^^^^