my H had an affair for apprx 6 mths. i was devestated. long story short. things are great between us now. trouble is, i keep thinking of ways for revenge against OW. she called my H out of blue, saw he was vulnerable, took advantage. i know it takes 2. putting it in his own words, i had everything i wanted already in my life but couldn't see it. it became very clear after he spent a night with OW. he broke it off. she called me and told me about it. he didn't tell me because he couldn't bear to hurt me. it had already hurt him greatly. we have been through counselling and have really committed to each other. he was not totally to blame as i was not addressing his needs. now, i hold nothing back and question everything. he tells me, shows me and gives me everything. if he is lacking, i tell him. we have been away 2 times, bought new wedding bands, have great sex, and talk all the time. so you say what is the problem.... i want revenge. i know her name, address & telephone #. i dont know what she looks like or what new employment she has, if any. but i want to have sweet revenge. she had the nerve to contact my H a month later and he told her to never call or contact him again. what should i do. ps. he staid at her place the weekend of our 19th anniversary but not on the day of or the night before. this is another painful time because it will always be a trigger.

Isn't the greatest revenge against OW ....having your marriage back, growing stronger, enjoying each other all over again, regainging site of what is and what is not important in the dynamics of the relationship, great sex, traveling together, being each other's best friends, and knowing that you can transcend all of this and the OW does not have a freaking clue because she is not of your high emotional, mental character. Isn't that revenge enough? Would be for me, but I am not as fortunate as you are right now, my WS has moved out and thinks OMW is his destiny. But as for you.... I would not waste the energy, the universe usually takes care of "justice" in the wrong doings; making them correct. Also, if that is not enough for you to think about, remember, "thought is energy, and the more you think about that, that's the more positive energy you can't put into your relationship, yourself, or our husband!!! Think about it. Now, the loyal side of me says to you, "yep, I would want that too" But I have to say, I have not done anything to MOW, it is just not worth my precious time or energy, and when I think about it, I find it just sucks the life out of me. That's when I come online and read posts. Hope this post helps ya. Take care and congrats on rebuilding the marriage. WOO WOO for you.

warmtohot,

I absolutely agree w/ Neesha. OW doesn't even worth your energy to deal with her. Your revenge are getting your M back and she heard nothing from you guys !. Let her guessing and speculating and plotting ... devote your energy to care, protect your own M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Don't go down to her level and it would kill her more.
-rh-

Warmtohot --

We welcome you to MB. Glad you've come; we'll help you all we can. It's a good place to be since all sides of every question are well represented.

I hear you and I know at least some of what you're going through. I'm very glad and encouraged that your H has chosen to handle his transgressions in this way = a very good sign.

Now, this OW has brought pain and doubt into your marriage and you'd like her to "pay" for her intrusion. Aside from the fact that your H was equally responsible for your pain and doubt, how would you having revenge on the OW help anything?

Some questions:

What form would your revenge take?

How would your H be helped by your actions?

How would your marriage be helped?

How would you be helped?

Would you, H, and your relationship be better off afterward?

While I think I know the frustration and unfairness for you of what's happened, I'm thinking that maybe you're giving her and the situation too much power. Have you considered revenge on your H for his part in this? Have you considered revenge upon yourself for your part in contributing to the conditions which permitted the A? Once begun, where does it end?

I feel very positive about your situation--I can't say that very often on this board--but I am concerned that your determination for revenge will interfere with your relationship with H and ultimately will keep you stuck in your anger. She still has power over you and your marriage as long as you thirst for your "victory." Don't let her continue to interfere. Don't give her that power.

Forgive and start to forget. You're angry right now, and rightly so. First thought: to GET the OP. But since two were involved, wouldn't it be fairer to blame both parties equally? She didn't "lure" him away; he went willingly. He made a CHOICE to go in that direction and put you and your marriage in jeopardy. Not a good one or a smart one, but a selfish and thoughless one. But you're not talking revenge in his case...(food for thought).

We'll sit with you on this. Please post again and keep us updated. We're here for you...

Ammon

I'm new to the internet and computers. Therefore new to this site. It is all so confusing.
Can somebody help me ? How do I post a message/question? The only reason I got on-
line was for this site and now I cant figure out what to do!!!
CT13

i am new here and know everything you say is right. i guess i am going to have to work a little harder at erasing OW from my head. my revenge so to speak on H really is hard. he was unhappy for a very, very long time. i was in denial because i was so afraid to lose him. he gave up and eventually the A happened. i know he had a choice, he made the wrong one admittedly stating that he should have tried harder to get through to me. no i am not taking all the blame, only 1/3. i know he loves me deeply, and continually tells me we are going to grow old together. i took a course called the Landmark Forum. my H wanted me to take it 3 yrs ago, and in hind sight, i should have, butit was not the path I needed to follow at that time. i hurt him by not taking it. i guess i needed a shock to wake me up. it did and i will never go back. tday i am a different person. the forum helped me with self esteem, self confidence and showed me i am a person, not to live in the past because the present and the future is where i need to put my focus and energy. i guess i just needed a reminder from others to get me back to where i should be and i must say, i feel really good right now as i am one of the fortunate women in this world. actually, the OW has nothing and I have everything. thank you neesha, redhat and ammon. i needed some web clearing.

You posted just fine!!!!
You need to read the welcome to new members - it will explain a lot!!!