I was writing to somebody about my situation and started to write how I feel right now that my W's A has apparently turned physical so I decided to open a topic for this. Maybe I am just venting, maybe I am writing as one does in a diary, maybe I am trying to verbalize my feelings. Just bear with me. Thanks.

To me the emotional affair is very painful but like most men, the physical affair hurts me even more. The pain I feel is very intense. I don't think there is any physical pain worse than this. I don't feel anything physical per se although I feel like a ball and chain are pulling my shoulders down.

There is something inside of me that feels empty but yet heavy, very heavy. It tries to take me down and I am constantly fighting it.

The movies in my head come quite often but I am able to stop them.

I find myself saying over and over again, "you will survive this. It will get better. This is temporary. God loves you and will be compassionate to you, etc." I keep repeating this like a mantra.

I feel like God has abandoned me, like my prayers and those of friends and family were not heard. This may not be good in the eyes of God, but I keep asking Him "why?" I know He respects our free will but I know nothing is impossible for Him. I ask Him why does He allow all this pain, not just mine but others' in general. I read the posts here of people who are in the same unfortunate journey as I am and question what is the sense of it all.

I am currently reading Peter Kreeft's "Making Sense Out of Suffering" and notice he asks some of the questions I do. I have not gotten to the part where he offers some clues to this mystery. I recommend the book.

I feel hurt, lonely, angry, guilty, appalled, sick, so many negative feelings all bottled up inside. "How can she do this?" I ask. "Is this really a fog or is this the real her?" "How can another man touch my wife, the mother of my son?" "How can she let him, how can she touch him, how can she have enjoyed it?" She's the best thing that's happened to me and she knows/knew it.

In conclusion, in the middle of this pain, all around, inside and outside I am just plainly and utterly confused.

uc:

I'm sorry it's come 2 this stage, but it can't be a surprise, either, can it? I'd say your W is also "utterly confused". Trouble is, she's got OM 2 take advantage of that, either intentionally or otherwise. You may never know.

But let me ask you this. Your sig line seems 2 indicate that you THINK that the EA has gone PA. Do you KNOW this? If you don't, please don't just assume. Also, your sig line says you don't want her back, and yet this post is full of signs that you love her and might in fact want her back. Which is it?

If you don't want her back, the simple thing would be 2 file for DV and move on with your life. I would assume you have custody?

Take care, I know this is hard.

Utterly, for women, or most women when they find out that their mate has had an EA, it makes them feel as you are feeling, because it is more dangerous for women knowing they have been abandoned emotionally from someone that they let get so close to them, that they were vulnerable too, and that they felt the emotional withdrawal but could not do a damn thing about it. Women are taught that a man will cheat, they will have sex blah blah, I am not one of those women that believe that, but Men are not taught that their mates will go out of the marriage to engage in a PA that is very hard for a man to take, more so then an EA that their WS may be involved in, I know you are hurting and the images are running thru your head like a bad dream. There is nothing more that I can say except that I'm here for you as we are all and you can vent, scream, cuss, do whatever it will take to get thru this newest revealation that your WS has painfully made you aware of. I have read your posts and I know you knew that it was going to happen,but noone is prepared for it when it becomes a reality. You sure as he!! were not prepared when she pulled this idiocy in having an A!!! I wish I could make your pain go away, and I know there is nothing I can say, just know you are in my thoughts. P.S. remember when I posted to you before when your WS was getting ready to go to the PA about somethings should stay in the fantasy because after they are played out in the reality, it's just not as great as they (WS & OP) thought it would be. Maybe this is the beginning of a resolution in your marriage. (I know that sounds sick) but if you think about it, sex and that's what it is....SEX, gets old fast if it does not have real love behind it to fuel it and nurture it, remember that!!! Take Care, and I hope I did not offend you.

2long,

You are right, the affair turning physical was not a surprise. I knew eventually it would, but I didn't think it would happen this soon. See, right now she's out of a job so she's dependent on me to return to the midwest. I offered to help her move and support her for the first few months or until she found a job. Now I am thinking that I will still support her but only while she's in TX. I feel it doesn't make any sense for me to be subsidizing her A while she's out of a job. She could have waited until then. Let me make something clear, I have not nor will I ever withdraw my support to my son. It is my obligation as a father and my responsability.

I do not know for a fact that they slept together or even that she stayed at his house. Knowing that she did not sleep where we had arranged for her to stay, knowing all of her friends prior to OM, there is an excellent bet she spent the night at his house. I don't know where else she could have spent it. But you are right, even if she stayed at his house does not mean they had sex. But knowing that she was emotionally ready and judging by the sound of her voice on Wednesday and Thursday (very happy) I'd say there is a good possibility it happened. But, still, I have no proof. She keeps insisting I am assuming things but when I ask her to set me straight so I can stop assuming all she says is she does not have to tell me anything because we are separated. She wasn't telling me everything either this summer while we were together.

I think you caught me on my love for her. Even my writings reflect it. How come she's the only one who can't see it? Maybe she just refuses to believe it or does not allow herself to accept it. I still love her, but there has to be a time when I can say enough is enough. I had set myself a deadline of when the A turned physical. I told myself I could not tolerate it. I have requested an initial appt with the Harleys to ask for advice. I could not even look at her on Sunday, she looked so beautiful and I knew she had been with him that day just made me sick. I am who I am today in large part because of her and she is who she is in large part because of me and to know that another man is reaping the benefits of that labor just kills me.

I say today I don't want her back and truly feel it, but I am taking it one day at a time, maybe I can get over it and work on the M again. The only problem is that on Sunday I did way too many LBs. All my hurt came pouring out because I did not care anymore, because I had reached the end of my line. All I can say is that the only way I am going to work on my issue of not wanting her back because she was with another man, is if she comes back ready to reconcile. If not, why go through the effort?

Neesha,

You did not offend me. Your words were soothing. It is comforting to know that a lot of people in this site care about others. Thank you for wishing to make my pain go away. These few words meant a lot to me.

I know most people think sex is just sex, but I've always had a problem with my W being with another man. The images and examples that I grew up with is that a woman was faithful to her husband and most men while I was growing up were faithful to their wives. I did not live among perfect people, no, but I've been lucky that infidelity has hardly touched those around me. Ironically, my W's immediate family had not suffered infidelity either, until now. So to me, this is big. To me, the body is a temple and your spouses body is meant for you and yours for her. There is something sacred about that. To me the casual sex or sex is just sex if there is no love attached defiles that temple. Some people may think this is a very radical view, but basically I can sum it up by saying that when we got married we vowed to be faithful to each other, to be exclusive to each other.

I know I would have to work on these issues if I want my M to work. I know that it could be the beginning of real life for them. But what if they both absolutely enjoyed it? What if this strengthened their R? The reality may not hit until months or years later after they live together for a time. This could just be a honeymoon period.

I have to move on. I await my appt with Dr. Harley but for the time being it is time I stopped worrying about her and meeting her needs because I have to worry about me and my needs and those of my son.

Thanks again.

Sorry for your pain. Like many others here, I've been through it, too. What am I saying?? I'm still going through it. Probably will for a while yet. I understand your frustration, how violated you feel, how senseless it all is.

And I also understand your confusion regarding God's part in this. The first thing you need to remind yourself is that God is not in the business of orchestrating affairs. The temptation, the sin, the guilt, pain, consequences - that's all the domain of the evil one. God's role is in the healing process and in the trial you are enduring. He is with you through this trial, and will use it for good, ultimately. You will survive this ordeal a better person, a better father for your son, a better man for some lucky woman. Maybe even your wife if she comes to her senses in time.

You are right to focus on yourself and your son. And remain focused on your relationship with God. I'd be so lost without that right now. Without Him, I know we'd already be well on our way to divorce, but He is hope and comfort for me when no one else is. And keep posting, too. This site is a real lifesaver.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 12:10 AM: Message edited by: shattered in SF ]</small>