Hi..I am new here. I have been reading MB and Harley's books for the past 3 weeks. I have been lurking on this board, trying to use the great info you all are sharing to make sense of my own situation.

Here is a summary of my story:
-Met my H in college, dated exclusively for 7 years (lived to together for 2 of the 7)
-Married 3 years ago, bought home together
-Both had been devoting 110% of our time to our careers for the last 2 years.
-About 1.5 years ago, our relationship started to take a downhill turn...we started to grow apart. No real arguements, just slowly stopped treating each other like a spouse and more like a roomate.

-July 2002, he announced he was miserable and was moving out. No point in discussing it, he just wanted out because he was so unhappy with our M.
This is when I discovered the affair he was having with a women 11 years younger than him and worked for him at the time. He basically was moving out and leaving me to be with her. He refused all attempts at reconciliation, saying he loved me but like a sister, etc. I am realizing now this was the 'fog' talking.

-He moved out Aug 02. We continued to talk quite civilally, he would not admit the affair still tho. Would still call me 2-3 times a week, tell me he still loved me and was sorry but this was best. Would come over and take care of yard work etc. I was practicing what I now realize would be considered Plan A...I had decided I wasnt going to become bitter and hateful, and wanted to show him the wonderful things he was leaving behind.

-Beginning of Sept...he calls me in tears to tell me that OW has given him herpes. This was devasting. He is a very very fastidous person...he had even asked that we both be tested for STDs way back before we first slept together. He was totally emotionally destroyed.

-For most of Sept, we spend a great deal of time together. I supported him as much as possible. I still loved him despite the STD and how he got it...for me, the whole situation made me realize just how much I do care for him. He seemed to be snapped out of his Fog...claiming he realized how stupid he had been to leave, that the issues we had were mainly regarding communication and that we could have worked things out. We decided to reconcile and worked toward rebuilding our M. There has been alot of really good communication, radical honesty about feelings, etc. But he still refused to go to counseling with me.

-We are still living apart (he signed a 1 year lease). At the beginning of November I went to visit my sister in another state, upon returning home, he asked me to stop by his apt. to pick up our cat he was watching while I was gone. When there, I found several indications that the OW had been there. I confronted him and he admitted she had been there while I was away. He claimed that it was for him to get resolution to their relationship...he feels victimized by the fact that she was aware she had herpes and not only kept it from him, but had unprotected sex with him and gave him the disease.

This seemed reasonable at the time to me...from reading the info on MB, I see now this was him slipping back into the fog and addiction to OW.

Thru most of Nov, we spent a great deal of time together, working things out. But he refused any kind of physical intimacy...saying he was scared of giving me the disease, wasnt ready etc. I thought this was reasonable too...I vowed to give him the time he needed.

Well...that brings us up to current. This morning after going running, I decided to surprise him with bagels and coffee before he left for work. I showed up at his apt at 7am, and there was no answer. I came home and logged into Instant Messenger...he did not log in until 8:30am. This means he would have had to taken almost 2 hours to get into the office...the commute is normally about 30-45 minutes. I called him up and asked him where he had been...he said he had spent the night at OW's house.

I am in shock. When I asked why...he said because he needed sex. He went on to say that he feels terrible...he loves me and wants to be with me, is afraid to NOT be with me, but he does not feel sexually attracted to me anymore. He only feels attracted to OW. He went on to say that he doesnt want to hurt me anymore, I am too good for him and better off without him. He now thinks he should just 'leave me alone' so I can go out and find someone who deserves me.

I am totally devastated...I dont know what to do at this point. I am just numb...I cant even read thru MB site to look for resources because I cant concentrate long enough to read anything right now.

For anyone who was king enought to read thru this really long post...what thoughts do you have? I dont know if I should try to continue with the Plan A I have been doing by instinct...or is this time for Plan B? What do you do with a WS that slips back into the fog because of sexual needs? I know a large part of this is due to the herpes...he has said several times that he feels dirty and disgusting and doesnt think he can perform with me becuase of it.

I am so lost right now...any insites would be so appreciated.

thanks

RB,

Wow, you've been though alot; and I think you are doing well.

Who/what do have out there for support for you? Counseling/family/friends etc to help you deal with this.

I think your WH using herpes to not have sex with you isn't completely honest.

It is ironic that she was dishonest and withheld information regarding this STD. Have you been tested for STD? And I hope he went for testing for all STDs. If she lied to him about herpes; God only knows whatelse she is lying about.

Personally I think you should continue on doing the good Plan A you have been practicing. He is disgusted with himself for his treatment of you; and his shame for not being able to break with OW.

She cannot be good for him.

Harley's also suggest "outing the affair" to everyone and all you know. It brings it to the "light of day" where A's seldom survive.

And as always I tell everyone that counseling with the Harley's is the very best decision H & I made to save our marriage. In your case I think Steve Harley (who I have counseling with) would be extremely helpful; even if your H didn't participate at this point. SH has the ability to engage with the WS to get them involved with the process. But counseling should start with you.

Have you read Surviving An Affair? Also His Needs/Her Needs and Give and Take are outstanding.

Others will come along and give you their thoughts as well. I think you are doing great and show "guts" in dealing with situation. I don't see any reason for you to give up! Blessings CSue

Rock, you are at the right place, My Ws is in the process of moving out after I caught him Oct 28/02 with MOW. He had been in love with me until the day I caught them, He has said everything your WS is saying, it is typical "FOG" talk, there are so many articles and posts here that will help you thru this and so many wonderful people who are very wise and have been here alot longer than I have, as I am fairly new too, I wanted to welcome you to MB but I am sad that you had to come here for this. I applaud you for not going over the edge about the STD, I really do admire that. I also see that your WS is so into his "FOGNESS" and is so addicted to OW, that he has no clue as to what he's doing. What adult man would continue an A after receiving what she has given him (knowing FULL well she had it) and be considered sane?? He knows what is good for him and who is good for him and he is so "foggy" he is turning his back on it. There will be people here responding to your post that will give you so much insight it will help ease some of the ache you are feeling right now. Please use this to vent and talk whenever you can, it has kept me sane for 2 months, and I am not in a great situation with my WS (he's wayyyy out there with no intentions of seeing the light anytime soon) Please let us know how you are doing. Take Care

Thank you so much for your replies...I cannot tell you how much it helps to just hear someone else say "I know where you are at..I've been there too".

CSue,
I do have a good support network...my family and friends have been one of the only things to give me the strength to keep striving to grow into a better person, a better wife from this experience. Even my WS's family and friends have been a source of support. The hard thing is that no one knows about the herpes aspect...they all just think he left me for OW and then we decided to reconcile. Just posting it here was like a weight off my shoulders.

I have been reading Harley's "Surviving" book as well as one by Gary Smalley (SP?). They have been very helpful in what I was thinking was our marriage's recovery. Now I feel like I need to go back and reread from a perspective of starting at square one.

WS IM'd me this afternoon...saying he is totally freaked out right now. He says I am the best thing to ever happen to him and he will always love and support me, but he cannot commit to being faithful to me right now. ????
A part of me wanted to write back and say...sorry I thought you had already committed to that when you put the ring on my finger. But I have come to realize that would be a 'love buster'...I just told him that I love him and we need to work thru these feelings.

How to do that...I dont know....how do you reason with the Fog?! It is like talking to a mental patient who has lost touch with reality.

I am really torn right now...part of me wants to say...ok, suck it up and just keep Plan Aing. Another part of me is wondering...maybe this just isnt meant to be and I need to just move on...I have been Plan Aing for 3 months. He isnt looking at this just as a 'backslide' and lets move forward again...he is looking at this as a deal breaker. Maybe I should too.

Ugh...I dont know....I guess I really should make an appt. with Dr Harley. It sounds like from many many posts that he is very helpful.

Sorry all for rambling on and on like this...I should probably be journaling this rather than writing a tome on this board. I think part of me is wishing someone out there will reply with some magic bullet that will explain it all for me...I guess I am the only one who can figure it out tho.

thanks again for all of your kind words.

Hi RB...

There are no 'magic bullets,' but there are miracles and happy endings... (and the happy ending doesn't necessarily mean you stay married...)

What there is... is a LOT of hard work. Your H has to crawl out of his hole on his own. You can be there to support him and cheer him on... but you can't do it for him... you can't even really make it 'easy' for him...

YOU, on the other hand, need LOTs of TLC. I was just talking w/ a coworker today... she and her H are also recovered from an affair... and she said it was the hardest thing she ever did... but in a way, she was glad... she said there are no 'blinders' on her marriage... no fog or fantasy... she felt more real and more whole... and I whole heartedly agreed w/ her.

I finding me is the BEST thing... I have more peace now than I ever did... though I attribute that to my renewed relationship w/ God through Christ...

Good luck to you. MB 'saved' me and supported me through one of the darkest periods of my life.

Cali

(((ROCK)))) Listen,
Quote
"I think part of me is wishing someone out there will reply with some magic bullet that will explain it all for me...I guess I am the only one who can figure it out tho."

You have nothing to figure out,HE made this choice for you, YOU just have to accept that you need support, nurturing, family, PATIENCE (my least favorite)! that will sustain you thru until HE FIGURES it out. Reading books as suggested here and taking care of yourself is the upmost important requirement from you right now. I know the holiday season is rough, and I also know that the place he is right now mentally is not healthy for him (but he does not realize that) nor is it healthy for you. YOU are what is important right now and please know we are all here for you. As you get stronger and grow from this experience then the more you will be able to "be your own magic bullet" in dealing with WS. My thoughts are with you.

Cali, Neesha,
Thanks for your comments....I know in my mind that what you both say are so true...I need to be patient and work on myself, in hopes he will do the same and dig himself out of 'the hole'.

I have been striving for that daily since August...but this latest setback is really doing me in. I think its because I let myself trust in him again...being rejected a second time hurts worse than the first because of it.

He called me last night and said he cant see me anymore...I was too afraid to ask if that meant proceeding with a divorce or what. He said he must do something to feel better about who he is and what he has done with his life. Apparently that means leaving a relationship of 10 years to be with a young woman who ruined his health for life. I know its the fog talking...but it makes me feel pretty helpless. Its like he is a junkie saying he just needs a fix and everything will be all better.

I havent been this depressed in a long time...even the first time around I bounced back alot quicker. It is not my normal personality to deal with this sort of thing this way...I cant even figure myself out anymore. I couldnt even bring myself to get out of bed today until now.

How do you find the strength to carry on with marriage building when you can barely function? It is my nature to be a planner...have some sort of plan and goal for almost everything. But for some reason I cant think logically about this and define my next steps. I am beginning to wonder if this means its time for Plan B. Perhaps I will post in that forum and ask the question.

take care