My husband has dealing with a porno addiction for most of our marriage (7 years). Took a while to find out it was an addiction, which hasn't really helped any. He's tried meetings, etc. Is it inevitable that he eventually physically cheat on me? I don't think he's ever found me attractive (which is a major need for him). He's criticized my appearance even when we were dating. I can't understand why he married me in the first place if he doesn't find me attractive. Also, I no longer feel able to meet his needs sexually. I'm six months pregnant, with a 2-1/2 year old, and just don't know what to do next. The pregnancy thing makes dealing with this recent "flareup" all the more disheartening. Anyone else going through the pornographic addiction thing? I couldn't find it listed on the recent topics, although there was alittle bit in the Q&A section. Also, having trouble finding a counseler familiar with sexual addiction as well as being familiar with Harley's marriage concepts (seattle area). Our last preacher did a great seminar using his principals, but he moved away 2 years ago. Sorry to ramble....

I have no experience with this but I'll take a shot. And bump this up for others.

Does he admit he has a problem?

It also sounds like you are falling into the "blame trap". Don't go there. It is not your fault.

I think Dr. Harley recommends the cold turkey approach to this. Would he be willing to throw all of it away?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He's criticized my appearance even when we were dating. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is verbal abuse, plain and simple. Someone who does that simply doesn't like themselves. He needs help.

Not a lot of advice in this post; just things to think about.

Our counselor told us that most people who have affairs have a sexual addiction. This often goes hand in hand with the porn. thing. My H cheated on me and had a problem with the availability of free porn on the Internet. He has done much better with counseling. Do all men cheat who have this problem? NO, but some do. My H is the very last person you would ever suspect to have an affair. Strong catholic, altar boy, writes christian music, etc. Some days I still can't believe it.

I pray you will never feel the pain of an affair. HOwever, our counselor told me that competing with these porn. images is similar to an affair in itself.

I wish you healing. If your H won't go to counseling, I hope you will consider it.

I am experiencing the same issue with my H. However, I don`t think he really sees it as cheating. He is going to counseling, but says his psychatrist seems to only think it is a problem because it is a problem for me. Its very confusing. I feel like he blames me as well- if I would just meet his needs more, than perhaps he would not need to go elsewhere. We have what I thought was a good sex life- despite having three young children. I think he may have a problem with sexual addiction as well.

To those who've replied. Thank you. He admits to having a problem. They have sexual addiction meetings similar to AA that he's attended in the past, but it's something that he continues to struggle with. I think he's only attended them because of my anger in the past. To the person who wrote about the physchiatrist saying there is no real problem. That's why I'm concerned to try counseling. I've heard that before. But, hey, some people can drink and some people can't.... When my husband gets into the porn thing it's a reaction to dealing with issues in his life. Thanks again to those who replied. It's nice to be able to vent. We're looking for a counselor. It's hard to find someone familiar with sexual addiction and Dr. Harley's methods (which we've been using since a seminar our church offered the first year we were married).

Kris- I am going to the psychiatrist/counsler that has been seeing my husband tommorow. I really do feel powerless over this whole issue, because I do think it is a true addiction. I am in the same situation as you- having young children. I just really can`t trust my husband. I think he wants to do the right thing but can`t and although he is a very attractive indiviudal I am getting totally "grossed out" but this whole issue.

I haven't stopped by these boards in a long time. Because the problems with a man addicted to porn, are resolved. I sincerely believe he's stopped and trust used to be an issue for us.

I'm posting to tell you there is hope. He continued using porn even after he admitted it was a problem. He stopped when HE believed that it was cheating. He also realized that it was NOT harmless. He realized it hurt me and it hurt our relationship.

I think he objectified women so long he didn't see women as whole human beings. I think seeing women as objects allowed him to use porn without seeing it as taking his sexuality elsewhere and cheating. To him they weren't real women. To him I was the ony real woman so it wasn't cheating. His being able to ignore the fact that those were pictures of real women with real feelings also prevented him from fully appreciating me as a real woman. That's what made it easy for him to tell me I was overreacting when I first objected to it. For me, as a woman who's been hurt by porn use, the key was getting him to see all woman as real.

Please don't think you aren't enough for him! I realized another thing about his porn addiction. There's a bit of the good girl/bad girl element in using porn. I am everything those women are because they are just a symbol of the bad girl. He's the one that put me in the good girl only box. He needed to break down that barrier and allow me to be both for him.

Sorry for the ramble, I hope this is some help.

Well, I went to the psychiatrist/counsler today with my H and it went much better than expected. As it turns out, he did not think that visiting porn websites ect. was ok and suggested that for the time being, no pornography was OK. My H agreed to absoultely no porn viewing. I am not sure how long this will last, but I am going back with my H next week. This was our first counsling session and I feel hopeful. We discussed alot more than use the porn issue.

Just wanted to add... I have b een to codependent of sex addicts meetings, and they are awesomely helpful in dealing with this issue.

My h was viewing porn heavily during my first pregnancy... after being his sole love option for quite an intensive relationship prior to and during our marriage ... before the pregnancy... he wasn't using it up unil the preg.- at least not while involved with me....

So... when I found all the magzines.... this was before the blessed internet..... anyway... he never quite got it...

being that also during our young yrs I found out there were still porn magz at his house... left from his dad before the divorce of his dad and stepmom... ok, maybe my h was hiding these mags.. and maybe he was taught it is NORMAL??? WHAT?

I just don't get it. I do know it was a bad step betwen us.. and he did not resolve it then when he shouild of... eventually my h cheated on me at least 2 + times with 2+ women.. I still don't know the WHOLE TRUTH...

I am hoping to one day know the WHOLE TRUTH... but who knows... it may make me entirely disgusted and sick.

I am sorry you are going through this while pregnant... my h tried to use the excuse... he might hurt me while pg, etc. etc.- I wasn't dirty enough ... I was pure.. carrying our child... or not appealing? Who even knows? It is not fair... our bodies are pg, because we love them and bear children for the two of us? I don't get it???

Anyway... tired and needing to go. We are getting together tonight , ws and I and it is going to go who knows how...? I only know I will be patient, loving and kind, as long as I am treated kindly and lovingly... now any bs abuse or baloney, I am out the door.

Thanks, H

Can any men on this forum tell me how normal is viewing porn for men ? Do most men visit internet sites, phone sex lines ? I don`t think they do. My H seems to think I am naive.

This board caught my eye, although I usually post on the Divorce/Divorcing boards, because unfortunately, that is where I am in my life. My H cruises the porn sites regularly and can't let it go. I believe this has been reinforced with his participation in at least 2 affairs of which I am aware. It does seem to be a coping mechanism for the stress in his life, the more stress, the more frequent his involvement with the sites. He was also very heavily into the sites when his affair was going on this summer and I was becoming aware of it. He gave it up for a while when we reconciled and he tried to work on our marriage, but he lost the battle after only a few weeks and is back into it again. I know this, although he has moved out, because my teenage daughter found some sites on his computer when visiting him. I am trying to deal with this and protect her, since he still has a right to see her and wants to frequently. I have to say he always had magazines around, he kept them stashed early in our marriage, before the advent of the internet. He also had x rated videos stashed, so I know this has always been a part of his life. I used to view it as an innocent outlet "guy" thing, although I let him know on occasions that I didn't care for it. He is the only one who can take control of his life and stop it now and he sees nothing wrong with it, so it won't stop. I do agree that it leads to a disregard and lack of respect for your wife and for women in general. You can't look at that stuff constantly and not be altered by it. All I know is that the kind, intelligent loving man I married disappeared and there is this man caught in the midst of MLC and sexual addiction in his place. Nothing about his family or me matters to him anymore, nothing but his own "happiness". He repeatly refers to me as a good Christian woman, a "saint", very sarcastically, but I believe and so does my counselor, that the porn has altered his perception of me to the point he can't relate to me without extreme guilt. (The counselor calls it the "madonna/whore syndrome").
Anyway, I thought I'd post this and hope it can be of some use to someone. Maybe all this pain won't be for nothing this way. I do believe that porn addiction and affairs go hand in hand. How can a plain old everyday wife compete with these images, or generate that much excitement all the time??