Hi! I'm new here but I've been reading posts and I think you can all help me. I need some opinions. I have never called OW. I sent an annonymous note to OW's H with a couple ?s on it like "Do you know who your W talks to, what she does when she goes out, etc", I hope it wasn't a mistake. I do think OW's H has a right to know but I'm so afraid of my H's reaction if he found out I told OW's H (my H is still in total denial, I think he believes himself). I have a tape of messages that she has left my H so I do have proof but my H does not know I have this. My H keeps insisting there is nothing going on and I have nothing to worry about. What should I do: tell OW's H or call OW and try to explain to her how selfish she is being to her kids & H and to leave us alone and not hurt us anymore? I don't want my husband to know about the tape yet so he won't change his password & then I couldn't get any more messages. Please help!!!!!

onelastbreath,
Calling the OW to enlighten her, that she's hurting people, rarely makes a difference. Likely if she cared about that, she wouldn't be an OW. She's hurting her own H, why should she care about YOU?

If you call, be prepared for her to lie, to deny. She has no loyalty to you, she is not your friend, she's made having an A, ok in her own life, your words won't interfere with her own justification process.

Your H won't like you to call either of them. Be prepared for his anger and a possibility that the whole situation could get worse, separation an increase in the intensity of the A as they "band together".

Calling the OW's H is also a gamble. Do you know him? Could he turn violent? Afterall, your H is the OM. You've let him know anonymously, if he's at all smart, he's watching her. Even if he confronted her and she denied, if her behavior is "odd" most BS's gut instincts are on alert.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>onelastbreath,
Calling the OW to enlighten her, that she's hurting people, rarely makes a difference. Likely if she cared about that, she wouldn't be an OW. She's hurting her own H, why should she care about YOU?

If you call, be prepared for her to lie, to deny. She has no loyalty to you, she is not your friend, she's made having an A, ok in her own life, your words won't interfere with her own justification process.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, at the very beginning of the A I called the OW (pressed redial on the phone) and simply said "This is WH's wife, and I was just wondering why he'd be calling you?" She started yelling at me "How dare you accuse me of having an affair with him? I haven't even talked to him since I left (workplace)! I'm not that kind of person, you have some nerve." Liar liar pants on fire....

I agree contacting OP is of little to no use, it really just gives them something to laugh about, (I heard them) althou if your situation was like mine, you could tell the OM's parents since OM lived w/ his parents, (he was 20), which still had little to no impact, the reason, you can only control yourself. Even after his parents knew they were still not sure what to do, I asked them to ask her to leave, since she had our 18 month old S w/ her they felt bad about just putting her out, didnt matter that she could have come home.

Your best bet is to start Plan A, start looking at what you can change or do to make the most impact, and that is taking care of you. It takes awhile before information like this really starts to make sense, but it is the most important thing you can do right now.

See if you can start counciling w/ Steve or Jennifer, they will really help you get some focus and guidance.

I didn't plan on asking her to tell me anything except that if she would stay away from my H. I know she wouldn't tell me anything, and that's fine I already know it's true. I would just tell her to think about all of the people(expecially for kids) that she is hurting with her selfish, thoughtless, heartless actions. From what I've heard of her messages, she is not a strong or smart person.

onelastbreath...don't waste that last breath on the OW. That will not get you anywhere. You've already had one converstation with her, all you will receive from another is the same thing. jmho

If you're not willing to confront your H about his affair...with proof, it's not likely that he's going to confess. I understand that you're not ready to let him know how you know, but how long are you willing to wait and let it continue in the shadows?

You've already contacted OW's H, albeit annonymously, and it hasn't up to this point done you much good. Either he didn't get it, a very real possiblity, or else he didn't put a lot of stock in an annonymous note, or else, he's got his own plan and is watching and waiting. But regardless of what is happening in his marriage...it is your marriage that you need to keep your focus on.

What do you want? How can you go about acheiving your goals?

Onelastbreath: I did both. I did sent proof by email to OW's H. Of course, they live across country in another state. But he did tell my H he would fly out and beat the crap out of him. After he has kicked her out of house, though he took her back in. LOL But I also told her before hand that if she continued, and didn't answer my questions, I would tell H. She ignored me so I sent him the emails. S--- hit the fan for her, but they're still trying to work on marriage and save it. But I think he deserved to know and she deserved to have to answer. Is there any way you can alert her H without identifying your H? Of course, she called my H at his work and he was furious at me. I couldn't care less after what they did to me. As for my thoughts, I was giving him a choice and either way, I would have accepted it. But I was not going to sit quietly and be made a fool out of. OH yeah, I ask mine why he didn't tell me up front so I could find somebody else also. He said the day I did would be divorce for sure. Double standards working here. The revealing can work two ways though. If her H kicks her out, your H may feel responsiblt to rescue her. But I don't think that will happen, Just a gut feeling. No spouse deserves to be kept in the dark. LouLou

I have not ever talked to the OW, I've blocked my number and hung up on her a few times just to annoy her. OW's H should only be receiving my note today. At this point my H has no idea that I even know her last name. He is aware that I know what is going on even if he is in denial. If OW finds out about note I'm sure I will be asked if I sent it, she will call my H asap. My H knows I'm watching him and I'm pretty sure that he has not seen her for at least 2 weeks but she has left messages. I'm pretty sure she is an insecure person. I don't know anything about her husband, I did see him once on one of my drive's past her house to try to see what she looks like, she's 9 years older than my H. If he checks her cell bill & calls my H, then he'll know. I don't know how ell they know each other but I do know that they know of each other (same softball league). If he beats up my husband (doesn't look like he could do much harm), well, I hate to say it but my H deserves it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by onelastbreath:
<strong>I didn't plan on asking her to tell me anything except that if she would stay away from my H. I know she wouldn't tell me anything, and that's fine I already know it's true. I would just tell her to think about all of the people(expecially for kids) that she is hurting with her selfish, thoughtless, heartless actions. From what I've heard of her messages, she is not a strong or smart person.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust me, she doesn't care, and talking to her will probably make her care even less. It will also make her feel like she is even more a part of your family and your life. She may or may not tell you that she will "stay away" from your husband, but even if she says she will it will probably be a lie. The OW called me and spilled her guts when WH dumped her. The last thing she said to me was "I don't care, you can have the lying b***ard. I don't want him anymore anyway and I'd never speak to him again even if he did call me." Less than 24 hours later she was filling up his work voicemail with messages begging him to come back to her.

I agree that calling OW wouldn't do any good, but in my case I wish I would have called OW's H when I found out. I knew in July and he didn't find out until October....now he is doing somewhat of a plan a, as am I. We stay in contact and share information so we know what our spouses are up to. In this case our spouses know that we know about the A. I just wonder if I told him when I found out in July, if it would have helped things not build to where they are today, with my H and OW both saying they want divorces now.

I also say why not just confront your husband?

You can't control him and I ask you how putting off D-day serves you in what way...

What do you gain from not confronting him?

What do you gain from confronting him...

What is your plan on how to deal with your husband?

What do you gain from further exposure to their continual affair...

and be very careful of the thought process that confronting her with the hopes that she would

"leave us alone and not hurt us anymore"

Your husband is responsible for his actions deal with him....
focus on him and you..
these questions are not posed to you confrontationally...but offered in hopes for you to reflect on them and answer as truefully as you can....what do YOU want...what are YOU going to do about this

much luck and strength
ARK

I think you are handling it well. Sending the note to her H gives him a warning to pay more attention to his marriage. Yes, there are some risks to it, but better to burst the bubble now, taking your chances with it backfiring. Although I will say I think it works better when the OW and her H have children. More of a reason for them to work it out and stay together.

And I agree there is no use to talking to OW. Anything you say will be used against you. I spoke to OW twice, she would turn around and immediately call my H to discuss the call. In fact it just will give her a subject to call your H about. If you do talk to her, limit it to "I love my husband and I want to work with him on improving our marriage". That will burst any illusions she might have about you being a cold disinterested wife who doesn't care about her M. But it won't change her behavior, so why bother?

I found these threads helpful.

On contacting the OP

On revealing the affair to the light of day

Thanks to everyone who is responding, I appreciate it. I truly don't think th eOW has any intention of leaving her H I guess becasue of her kids. She just wants to have a secret life with my H too. Sorry, you can't have your cake and eat it to. I'm not sure not my H has any emotional attachment, I think he might just like her bl_ _ jobs. I think I'm worth more than that.

If contacting OP is not recommended, then why do SAA and SH recommend sending a copy with customized note to the OP as standard procedure?

Granted, the OP will brush the plan B letter off, but obviously there must be some purpose for it to be a standard procedure. So some good can come out of contact.

So it seems that a blanket rule about NC with OP would be flawed. Generally it seems a bad idea since it can easily cause more harm than good. Perhaps more specific circumstances (besides the ones pointed out already) where OP (or OH) contact is a good risk / bad risk would be useful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by est:
<strong>
Granted, the OP will brush the plan B letter off, but obviously there must be some purpose for it to be a standard procedure. So some good can come out of contact.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the purpose of the no contact letter to the OP is for the benefit of the betrayed spouse. I know that when I used to read the OW board most of the OW got a hearty chuckle out of receiving those letters and usually got a bunch of responses from the other OW saying things like "Don't worry, he doesn't mean any of that stuff. The wife dictated it to him. As soon as things cool off at home he'll be back."