I threw my husband out about 2 weeks ago. I regret it but at the same time I am glad I did. It has giving me a chance to look at myself and my faults. I have blamed him for everything. We are trying to resolve our problems but it feels like a battle that can't be won. When my husband and I are together he says he wants me back but when we are apart he doesn't want to come back. Last night he told me on the phone that he doesn't think he loves me anymore and that it may be to late. Plus that I don't give him anything anymore. That the only thing I give him is uncondtional love and sex. Then when we are hanging up he says he does love me he. What can I do? Do you think it is fixable?

Well...it can be fixed!! Seek out some counseling for yourself and for you as a couple. Really work on YOU and your life apart and separate from him. Make yourself happier and healthier and your spouse may wish to enjoy the benefits of the "better you". But if not, you'll still benefit in YOUR life.

You can't control your spouse, you can't make him happier, more content, that's up to him and it's his job to reflect on the changes he needs to make.

What happened to cause the separation? Why did you feel it was best at the time? What has changed?

Welcome Dawn, you have come to the right place, but could you give us a little more info as to why you kicked your H out? He sounds like he's confused right at this time, which can mean so many things, please post some more info; there are so many wonderful, wise people here that are willing to listen, and give you support with their wise words of experience and wisdom. Welcome to MB

I regret it due to that I didn't even realize how much I did love him. I convinced myself that he was here for his paycheck. I feel that if I didn't throw him out I wouldn't have realized anything. It took me throwing him out to even realize I forgot about me. Also that I blamed him for anything that went wrong in our relationship. We both played a game of spite to each other. We were more into seeing who could hurt who more. I am not taking all the blame I feel me are even on it. So when I threw him out he started the hurt and so I threw him out. We also have major problems with his parents. I am working on me know. Just realizing was a big step for me.

Most of our problems started with his parents. They didn't feel I was good enough for him due to my pay and where I lived. So his parents would say stuff to him and in turn he would come home and take it out on me. Even once said that my father doesn't want me with you so I am leaving you. He is a lot stronger to his father now. Thats what I have been busy doing these last five years making him stronger and showing him what he could be. His parent always told him that he will never amount to anything and that he was stupid so I pushed on him to show him that they were wrong. On the way I lost my strenght and my id. Plus they would say stuff about me and I started ? myself. I am so glad I have my most of my strenght back.

I feel he is confused due to being with his parents. They are making his life so comfortable. His mom is even ironing his socks and underwear. They ask him to do nothing in the house. Then he has all his friends that are always out so he has that also. Ofcourse all my friends have kids and can never find babysitters. They are telling him that they don't want us back together. He will tell them that I have realized that I had faults in our relationship and they say "oh, that is for now till you go back and then she will go back into being misserable" They don't think he does anything wrong. Any thing he has done its ok. But if I don't make him dinner we need a divorce.

the hurt that he did was he wanted to go to some after hours club that started at 2 in the morning and got over about 8 in the morning. I got upset due to that he would sleep all day saturday so he could stay up for those hours and then sleep all day sunday cause he was tired. H works 2 jobs and really isn't home much during the week. So that is the only time I get to see him. So on friday morning I asked if he was really going to the club and he said he made a promise to his friends that he would go. I said you also promised me that your weren't going. He said I said that to you so I wouldn't have to listen to you complain all week. So he was in the shower and came out of there and by the time he got out half of his stuff was pack. He was very upset due to I never broke up with him. But I was tired of promises that never came true for us but always came true for his friends and family. I don't believe he is cheating on me or anything. Our problems are family, friends and hurting each other. He is not abusive, a little mental abusive but I was doing that to. He told me years ago that his family and friends don't like me and want us to break up. We went to marriage conciling and she told him to get rid of those friends due they were to close to the stuff with him father. His father would tell them stuff and told all the family and friends that he didn't like me so they all didn't like me after that. Yes his father thinks he id god. And everyone treats him like he is except me. I told him I will not bow down to him ever. So h father found out the best way to get me out is hit it were it bothers h the must. His friends and family. H's mother even gets into sometimes. I know that they lie to people about me. At my wedding one lady blinked on every picture. But I didn't care but my mother in law told her I was so upset about my picture that I told her that she ruined all my wedding pictures. This poor lady came in me in almost crying to say she was sorry. I told her I never said that, that my pictures came out wonderful. So now her and her husband don't like me. I wonder why? I know my mother in law likes me but her h told her she can't. It is just awful what he does.

from what I have been reading it seems like people are using plan a and b, is that only for adultry. Is there anything I could use.

It sounds like you don't know what each others needs are? Read the website if you have not already. Is he open to counseling?

The inlaws situation is a tricky one. IMHO, plan A and plan B could be applied here. He has to realize that it is in his best interest to come back. But, you must know what expectations you have of each other in order to make this work.

Hopefully this will generate some more input.

Keep working on you.

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Luki ]</small>

Plan A is not just about getting your H back...it's about YOU and making you better. It is focusing on the positives in the relationship instead of the negatives. So yes, it could benefit your situation.

The ILs are going to be a problem. If your H hasn't stood up to them before now, he may never. He's got a safety net in them for whatever happens and he doesn't have to face all the results of his choices.

I doubt seriously that everyone "dislikes" you. However, you may feel that way because of how you've been approached by them. You may have helped create the distance and not allowed these people to come to know the "real you". And if they only hear what ILs are saying and you're standing in the background protecting yourself from possible hurt, then they can't ever get to know the real you. You might want to put the effort into making sure that they see YOU...not the reflection that someone else is trying to project of you. jmho

Read all the sections on emotional needs. There is a lot of information on this site that has nothing to do with betrayals. All marriages can use a helping hand at times.

Good luck!

you are right. I backed away from everyone and I shouldn't of. I know that I am a shy person. The worst part is some of his family and friends I got along with great at the start. But when FIL figured that he wasn't going to like me then everyone followed suit. So I became very seculed from them. So the inlaws would tell my husband that noone wants me at the parties and that no one likes me. So in turn he would get all mad at me for it. He has finally started standing up to his father. I almost had a heartache when he told me. I guess his dad said that he does not want us back together. H said that is fine but it is none of your business. I was shocked. Plus I just got off the phone with H (I didn't call him YAAA)and he said his father told him that he can't come and talk to him about what is going on. Explained that when H finally talks to him that it is all bad, that H never comes to tell him what I have done that was good. So that if he wants to talk about me then it has to be about good stuff. Due to it hurts him and all he ends up doing is trashing me.

Since I didn't phone him all day he missed me. Also he wanted to tell me that he loved me. I told him I know he loves me that I can see it in his eyes. Ask him if he thought we could make it. He says well what do you think I feel. I said it all depends on what day I talk to you, the new Sybill. Told him we will have bad days but need to talk about them with each other. We made plans to see each other Friday and he is going to sleep over due to we have plans on Saturday. Saturday night he is doing a guys night out. I said have fun and meant it. That is a great feeling not worry what he might be doing. I realized that issues that I made into big issues are not as important as I thought. I used those issues to hurt him with. Plus I would not let it go. Some issues were pretty bad but I decided to stay with him so I should of forgiving him. It was funny that all I had to do to get over all the issues I had with him. All I had to do was forgive him. Then I forgave myself for being a jerk. Then I went sole searching about me to find me again. I like me and I know I have a great heart. Plus I know that I am not as afraid of everything that I thought. I was afraid of living. Afraid of getting hurt. So I locked myself away in the house and put up walls to protect myself. Well the walls came crashing down. I am admitting things that hurt, times I had fun when I wouldn't admit to before. All that stuff. And i am not taking all the blame for it either. It took us both to get to this point but we realize our faults (took me longer)and I am doing my part. Some days he is doing his. But he is hurt and has not forgiving me yet.

Now I am trying to get a job. Wearing makeup, doing my hair and dressing up. No more sweat pants unless it is time for bed. No more holding on to hurt that other people cause. Hold my head up high and find what truly make me happy. I told my H that his parents are not going to bring me down like they did before. That I know who I am and it is there problem. Also told my H that I will not be a drop off spot after he goes out with his friends so he can have sex. That it would make me feel dirty and used. That I have to face myself in the morning and I will not face that. I have more respect for myself then that. Unless we are BOTH really trying to fix our relationship then it is different. But I want real proof that we are both trying not that he is trying for tonight only. Yes I have my strenght back and I will not go back. No way I feel to good about me to do that. I am so proud of what I have done in just 2 weeks. How much better I feel. Yes the relationship is still bothering me and it hurts. Every night when I go to bed it hurts. So I moved to the couch to sleep. That helps.

I just hope h and I can work this out due to us both realizing so much stuff. I told him we have more then a lot of marriages. We love each other and realize where we went wrong. Plus what we need to do to fix it. Plus I told him we need to stop hurting each other and just love each other. Trust in each other and talk. Plus I keep saying don't give up, don't look at the past years look at right know. See what is in front of you. I can be so strong about that but have doubts that we will get back. What do you guys think. Sorry I ramble alot. I just have so much to get off my chest and this is the best place to be. Talking to family and friends are causing them to get mad at my H. That won't help the problem.

we didn't break up due to a affair but that did help our issues. He likes to stay in contact with his ex. He has gone on a date with her. Last year he left me but it was after he called her( I get the cell phone bills). Left for the weekend. Was in contact with her the hole weekend. When I told him that he was right that we should just date he was home the next morning to see if I was with someone. Came home that night. He was also in contact with her one whole long summer. I never really saw him. So I withdrew more and he didn't even notice me until a new friend of his showed me some attention. He stopped and finally looked at me. Those are just some of the issues I had with him. I feel that if he wants his ex back all the power to him. Cause she has nothing to offer him. She drinks way to much and he does not like that. I talked to someone and she said that his ex was passed out on the couch by noon time. Plus his parents hate her more then me. She hasn't realized what she is doing to herself. Plus I don't think he will be calling her to much more. He called her since we broke up and she told him she wants to settle down and have a baby. That scared him. I don't believe he had sex with her cause that was one area we do not have a problem with. She just showed him some affection that I wasn't showing.