Hi there, I wasnt sure if you would see my post at the end of all the other posts on your message. I can COMPLETELY relate to how you feel! I am so glad you posted... I have been trying for over a year to move on... actually, for a couple of years, it seems.

Yes, the book, Surviving An Affair certainly helped and put some new light on it all. I've realized that an A is like a vacation.... its fun while you are there, but sometime you HAVE to come home and reality isn't as fun. Also, its been compared to a fantasy, the whole fantasy of my OM, of yearning to be with him and not being able to be there, of wishing he would call, would write.... that ALL played a part.

BUT, i've realized that fantasy is not and can NEVER be reality. In reality, my OM would NOT make a good husband...he wouldnt make a good father... he probably wouldnt even be a good friend and listener... and he certainly would NEVER have loved me as much as my forgiving husband.

But.......something about him made him an excellent lover! Sigh.... I would memorize his touch, his kiss, I had NEVER allowed myself to be so totally inlove. So, yess, this is a tough thing to let go of. Its tough to let go of a fantasy, an illusion....

But, I'm working on it. EVerytime I see a trigger, I try to think of something negative about the OM. Everything I hear a love song and start dreaming of OM, I immediately turn off the song. Everytime I see a place where we visited, I try to remember places that my H and I have visited. I'm working on changing...

Thanks for posting... "Please Help Me"..and good luck!

ok, I'm trying this again (it's me, PLEASE HELP ME -- sorry for the confusion on names). I'm hoping you don't get the kind of hatred posts that I recieved. (which i just ignore now anyway). Those out there posting nasty notes on other's threads have no business being there especially if they aren't trying to help. No one is here to try and get support for their A b/c there's other sites out there for that! (It's funny too, b/c so many on my thread didn't even ATTEMPT to answer my question!!!)

BUT enough about them. First, I want to tell you how courageous it was for you to post what you did. I know it's hard for many BS's out there to read what some WS has written but they don't know how WE feel either!!!

Do i want to feel this way? Hell no! Can i help it? I try to but no, I can't. Do i feel good about it? Well, if i did, i sure as hell wouldn't be here, now, would i!

I have to apologize if my post is a bit sarcastic or bitter, but like my last post said, I was very disappointed in this forum. The only reason i'm back is b/c of others like you. So, i guess i haven't given up hope.

Secondly, I want to thank you for seeking me out. It's greatly appreciated. For so long i've felt so alone. BS's have plenty of support out there. Of course the WS's are going to take the brunt of the anger/shame/guilt, etc., etc., but a lot of those need to remember that a lot of us are STILL with our BS's and we need support as well in order to HEAL. What kind of a marriage will we have when only the BS can heal?

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. This sucks. I don't know what to believe any more. I don't want to be like The Storm and still have feelings for this guy years later. He doesn't deserve it. There were times during the A and even right after that I felt "ick" about him and thought so many negative things about him, like "what a dork" or "what an idiot!"

In reality I NEVER wanted to be with him. But i need to find out what causes my addiction to him and hopefully I will so I can let this go. I know there's something wrong with me to have not only continued to go back to a jerk who blamed me and shut me out but to have these feelings for him as well.

I feel so ashamed for missing the sex with him. If it was just him i missed, that would be one thing. But missing BEING with him that way is so different.

That's another thing my counselor suggested -- to think about him when having sex with my H! Not something I'd recommend to a patient. Yeah, how's that for honesty with your spouse?

I don't know how to go about finding a different counselor or support group b/c they're not listed in the phone book. So, if you have any suggestions for that, please let me know.

I'm a bit worn out right now b/c i haven't found what i'm looking for. I wish someone who survived this would post. I wish i could find someone who wrote, "Yes, I experienced what you did and you WILL get over him. Here's what will help....", etc. I guess I just don't want to give in to the fact I may never get over him. The funny thing is that if we were together, I know I would. But then I would lose my H and my life. I've already lost so much. I hate that I've lost my dignity and self respect, especially with him! That doesn't help either. It makes me hate myself even more. I hate that I put him and myself in a position where he had the "upper-hand". I hate that person I became.

Another confusing thing happened to me today as well. I had lunch with a friend, and we both disclosed that we had A's. At first I was a little relieved b/c i thought I had found someone to talk to. But not so...she is in a fog BAD!!! Denial, la-la land, you name it! I don't even think she's remorseful about it! Plus, she still blames her H for their D!

When i told my H, he said that that should just confirm to me on how much progress i've made. It does, but at the same time, just made me feel more confused and disappointed. Not someone who i need to be talking to. ugh.

Anyway, thank you again. I'm glad i returned. Don't know how long i'll stick around though. My H doesn't think a forum is the best thing for me. I can't wait for my books to arrive.

ok, I'm trying this again (it's me, PLEASE HELP ME -- sorry for the confusion on names). I'm hoping you don't get the kind of hatred posts that I recieved. (which i just ignore now anyway). Those out there posting nasty notes on other's threads have no business being there especially if they aren't trying to help. No one is here to try and get support for their A b/c there's other sites out there for that! (It's funny too, b/c so many on my thread didn't even ATTEMPT to answer my question!!!)

BUT enough about them. First, I want to tell you how courageous it was for you to post what you did. I know it's hard for many BS's out there to read what some WS has written but they don't know how WE feel either!!!

Do i want to feel this way? Hell no! Can i help it? I try to but no, I can't. Do i feel good about it? Well, if i did, i sure as hell wouldn't be here, now, would i!

I have to apologize if my post is a bit sarcastic or bitter, but like my last post said, I was very disappointed in this forum. The only reason i'm back is b/c of others like you. So, i guess i haven't given up hope.

Secondly, I want to thank you for seeking me out. It's greatly appreciated. For so long i've felt so alone. BS's have plenty of support out there. Of course the WS's are going to take the brunt of the anger/shame/guilt, etc., etc., but a lot of those need to remember that a lot of us are STILL with our BS's and we need support as well in order to HEAL. What kind of a marriage will we have when only the BS can heal?

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. This sucks. I don't know what to believe any more. I don't want to be like The Storm and still have feelings for this guy years later. He doesn't deserve it. There were times during the A and even right after that I felt "ick" about him and thought so many negative things about him, like "what a dork" or "what an idiot!"

In reality I NEVER wanted to be with him. But i need to find out what causes my addiction to him and hopefully I will so I can let this go. I know there's something wrong with me to have not only continued to go back to a jerk who blamed me and shut me out but to have these feelings for him as well.

I feel so ashamed for missing the sex with him. If it was just him i missed, that would be one thing. But missing BEING with him that way is so different.

That's another thing my counselor suggested -- to think about him when having sex with my H! Not something I'd recommend to a patient. Yeah, how's that for honesty with your spouse?

I don't know how to go about finding a different counselor or support group b/c they're not listed in the phone book. So, if you have any suggestions for that, please let me know.

I'm a bit worn out right now b/c i haven't found what i'm looking for. I wish someone who survived this would post. I wish i could find someone who wrote, "Yes, I experienced what you did and you WILL get over him. Here's what will help....", etc. I guess I just don't want to give in to the fact I may never get over him. The funny thing is that if we were together, I know I would. But then I would lose my H and my life. I've already lost so much. I hate that I've lost my dignity and self respect, especially with him! That doesn't help either. It makes me hate myself even more. I hate that I put him and myself in a position where he had the "upper-hand". I hate that person I became.

Another confusing thing happened to me today as well. I had lunch with a friend, and we both disclosed that we had A's. At first I was a little relieved b/c i thought I had found someone to talk to. But not so...she is in a fog BAD!!! Denial, la-la land, you name it! I don't even think she's remorseful about it! Plus, she still blames her H for their D!

When i told my H, he said that that should just confirm to me on how much progress i've made. It does, but at the same time, just made me feel more confused and disappointed. Not someone who i need to be talking to. ugh.

Anyway, thank you again. I'm glad i returned. Don't know how long i'll stick around though. My H doesn't think a forum is the best thing for me. I can't wait for my books to arrive.

whoops, sorry! Didn't mean to reply twice. (is there a way to delete?)

I wanted to reply just to say that oddly enough, I befriended two of my H OW via e-mail and telephone contact. I genuinely felt their pain as well. And as sincere or unsincere as they were.....being able to have someone to talk to about the truth of it assisted me. Once he made contact with them again, I stopped talking to them because it was like being betrayed by 2 people at once. However, I never chnaged my feeling of hoping that they find what they desire in life and feeling bad that my H used them for his own selfish needs. They too thought they were ~the ONE~. He had soooooo many women thinking that when all along he was pursuing me and asking me to marry him.

Anyway, everyone has their own pain. I acknowledge you for the work you are doing on yourselves and this is not easy for anyone involved.

Take care and God Bless.

J.O.,

Good to have you back on board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

See what you think of this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That's another thing my counselor suggested -- to think about him when having sex with my H! Not something I'd recommend to a patient. Yeah, how's that for honesty with your spouse?

I don't know how to go about finding a different counselor or support group b/c they're not listed in the phone book. So, if you have any suggestions for that, please let me know. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Drop that counselor like a bad habit, cold turkey! Have you read How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor
Is there a Beyond Affairs Network(BAN) chapter in your area. Here is a link to chapter locations and contact info:

BAN

Maybe that will help.

Oh yeah,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> whoops, sorry! Didn't mean to reply twice. (is there a way to delete?) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can edit posts. Click the "pen and paper" icon and just delete everything in the text box.

Hi Guys,

I don't know much about your situations but I also has an A with a LONG term friend. Although I wasn't legally married at the time, I have a child with and was living with my X for over 8 years so I feel as if we were married.

I chose to write because the question about whether you ever get over the OP was raised. I can honestly say that until you understand what the "draw" was, you will not be able to let go. The "A" was not about the power that the OP had over you, it was about what is lacking inside that he seemed to fulfill.

Is it that you have a hard time getting over him, or of letting go of that feeling of being special, wanted, needed, respected, loved, nurtured, and cared about?

What was it about BEING with him that is such an appeal? That is where you need to start.

For me, I had a deep emptiness and felt that I was invisible. This person cared, listened, and held me when I was inches away from taking my life. I turned to him because my SO was in denial that there was something wrong and turned away from me. I RAN from my issues with SO, because the shelter of the NEW LOVE was so warm and promising.

I faced my inner demons during this "A" and eventually I realized that the problems were internal. Once I started to address this, OP lost his power over me and I was able to walk away without looking back. I am alone now, but working hard to heal the damage I caused and to take responsiblity for hurting those I really loved.

Hope this helped you.

I sent this post twice to begin with...hmmm, I think we are MORE alike than we know! ha!

Anyway, another thing that MIGHT help us both. I was talking to my son who is 15...about life...and being his own person, not following what other peers want him to do...saying NO to drugs, partying, sex, etc... hmmmmmm.... and basically being IN CONTROL of his life. Hmmmm...good advice for me as well. This obsession or addiction was not allowing me to be in control of my life. And i've read...NO decision is basically a decision as well.

Anyway, I'd like to keep in touch with you...seems we are both struggling with the same issues... maybe we can help each other get through this.

Yep, i've posted other times and gotten some nasty little replies........so I am basically a lurker lately.

I have a gf who has moved on to other things...she had to move to a huge new house and change jobs....but she is doing much better these days........not options for me though. But, I'm trying day by day to get better...... good luck!

Um, first of all, it hasn't been years later. Try months later. Secondly, I never said he deserved it. He doesn't. And, had you listened to what I told you, I don't pine over him. Indeed, I try not to give him any thought; which is what I suggested to you.

While I understand why you're fighting these feelings so hard, I think it is healhier in some respects then the other end of the extreme. Where the WS turns whatever positive feelings they had with the OP into anger and hate towards them. You're facing up to what happened. You're dealing with it. You're not blaming him (OM) for your choices.

Yes, there is a large amount of fantasy land in affairs, that just comes with the territory of not having to deal with all the daily grind that is involved in a marriage/family situation. There is an expectation of stolen time with all the excitement that comes with it. You look your best, just as you did when you first started dating someone, putting your best foot forward and hiding those clay feet we all have. It's fun, it's exciting, it new. It's discovering a new person, with all their experiences and joys.

Sexual excitement it heighten because your learning about someone. You're experiencing something different and you haven't done that in a long time. It's almost a renewal of who you are...you get to rewrite your role in a new relationship which allows you to NOT bring in some of the not so pleasant parts that were in the "old" relationship. Of course, the old you is still very much alive and well...but you get to "play out" the new you with the OP.

Take some of that time, thought and energy which you applied to the affair...and give it to your marriage. Keep your focus on what you can do to make it happier, to see yourself as the beautiful person you are in your spouse's eyes.

If most WS would give half the time and thought into the marriage as they did in ways of beginning and continuing an affair...there likely wouldn't be very many BS. jmho

I am glad you came back, I did not get a chance to post to you, then I kept forgetting your name! lol. Anyways, while I am a BS, I find no judgement with you at all, so I am thinking about how to best give suggestions to you as I keep reading your posts. It is hard but as with anything difficult in out lives that we deal with, no matter what the situation, there is no magic answer, pill, and or wand....or (I'd be first in line!!!) But I think the more you post your feelings here, and we all throw out our thoughts I think some postive things will come out of it, don't you? I need to hear more from you to see what triggers some of the battles that are going on inside your head and then I can respond. You said you want to know what causes the addiction to him, and that you have thought "ick" and "what a dork". May I ask you this? When you first started seeing the OM, what was it that attracted you to him? And, what was going on "with you" that you chose him and "inside your head" that sparked it to come about? I will look forward to your other posts, and I welcome you to MB, and I am really glad you did stay.

Thank you all. You've given me many things to think about and I need to take some time to figure this out.

Luki, thank you for the links. I will check them out.

kily, you're so right. This is stuff I've heard b/4 and i have not dug deep enough inside me to face my demons. I need to do the EM questionaire and will hopefully get answers that way. My H has always said that it's not about him (the OM), but all about me. My h also said the more i read, the more i will find out about myself. I hope so. I'm not a big reader anyway and don't make the time. But instead of obsessing over this jerk, I'm going to start using that time to read. I always forget how much reading takes my mind of stuff, even if I'm reading about about it!

My friend really threw me yesterday too. Just adds to the confusion.

Don't know when I'll be back. I get so overwhelmed and drained reading these posts.

thanks to you all again. THIS is the kind of support and help i was looking for!

Hi Just Observing-

Sorry to be so short in my reply, but didn't have much time to respond. What I wanted to get across to you yesterday and that I am not completely sure I did is that you can't always control your emotions and what you feel, but you can control your conscious thoughts, what you allow yourself to dwell on, and what/how you act on it.

Make sense? There's no cut and dry way to get someone out of your head. It's just time. But the more you allow yourself to think about him or fantasize about being with him, the less likely you are to get him out of your head and the more you will most likely drive yourself nuts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But instead of obsessing over this jerk, I'm going to start using that time to read. I always forget how much reading takes my mind of stuff, even if I'm reading about about it!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yay!! Good for you. Reading the books and the web site article was so insightful for me. I am sure it will help you. Good luck and post on how you are doing when your up to it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />