I myself have a definite need to tell. I have a harder than typical time keeping secrets. Just wanted to get that out of the way.
These are my thoughts after reading the thread:
If in recovery, the telling stops outside of a agreed upon support structure.
If WS is wavering, the telling balance is really hard due to LB effect, increased shame making recovery harder, and desire to protect S and self.
If WS is headlong into A (i.e. Plan B), then telling is much more desireable. Given that, these are other things I consider:
Considerations for sharing w/ relatives:
they care for you and will likely provide support
they are able to forgive if WS comes back
they care about your family and WS
mature attitude
ability to help keep this from happening to others
can it be done discretely (i.e. encourage investigation on their own) - sometimes people suspect and just need a nudge. Heck, I now know if someone's separating, ask about A. When I talked to my parents about marriage difficulty, they both asked if there was another person involved right away. A friend saw them together so he "knew".
can they help
Considerations against sharing w/ relatives:
already burdened by other details
you can't trust them
judgemental and mean
they won't believe you
not a stakeholder
immaturity, gossipy, etc
LB effect (some WS take it differently)
In my case, other people who I have limited control over seem to be sharing/investigating on their own.
I'm also going to meet with OP and hand the plan B letter to him. Not really to confront. Just reinforce that there is a real person and hear him describe how he is justified in doing this (i.e. what he has to offer her). I could use a private laugh. Of course, I may be setting myself up for some hurt - but I don't think OP has that kind of effect on me.
<small>[ December 03, 2002, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>