I've talked with a Christian counselor and a pastor separately about the A. First off, my situation is pretty dire. It's easily one of those situations that will result in remarriage and a "happy" marriage for at least a year or two if things just go along their merry way. It could be longer if they happen to pick up a Harley book early on.

Anyway, they've mentioned to me the possibility of an intervention. There wouldn't be much hope of actually changing her at the intervention, but so that the people who care about her have their chance to share how the A/D etc would hurt the participants. And then followed by a practical excommunication.

I would have no involvement with this and wouldn't even know if it occurs or not. I'm in Plan B separation - where it's ok to tell according to SH and whatnot and rules of protection are not assumed.

I could insist with some effort that it not occur for guessable reasons (protection of S and potential interpretation as a LB), but I don't really want to. And it seems that since she was willing to become a member of this church (I am not) that the other memebers have some right to provide accountability. Also, it would be a simple cause/effect of the A.

We're not talking about a general divorce because issues between us. They wouldn't intervene for that. The only reason for the breakup is because of pursuit of OP.

I do understand that the more people know, the harder it will be for WS to come back these people. But there doesn't really seem to be much to lose that isn't already lost. FWIW, fear of ramifications is the main driving force here. Either fear of loss of OP/withdrawal or fear of impact to people - and that fear is rationalized ("Divorce won't be that bad for the kids")

It probably sounds kind of wacky to some people, but what are people's thoughts?

Read this thread and post back what you think.

On revealing the affair to the light of day

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I could insist with some effort that it not occur for guessable reasons (protection of S and potential interpretation as a LB), but I don't really want to. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would take the word "potential" out of there. It may be interpreted as a LB no matter what you say. My WW was/is mad as hell that I told "her friends"(fog talk). But it may be hastening the demise of the A; I am unsure of this right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Anyway read the thread and tell us what you think. You have quite a topic here...

I myself have a definite need to tell. I have a harder than typical time keeping secrets. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

These are my thoughts after reading the thread:

If in recovery, the telling stops outside of a agreed upon support structure.

If WS is wavering, the telling balance is really hard due to LB effect, increased shame making recovery harder, and desire to protect S and self.

If WS is headlong into A (i.e. Plan B), then telling is much more desireable. Given that, these are other things I consider:

Considerations for sharing w/ relatives:
they care for you and will likely provide support
they are able to forgive if WS comes back
they care about your family and WS
mature attitude
ability to help keep this from happening to others
can it be done discretely (i.e. encourage investigation on their own) - sometimes people suspect and just need a nudge. Heck, I now know if someone's separating, ask about A. When I talked to my parents about marriage difficulty, they both asked if there was another person involved right away. A friend saw them together so he "knew".
can they help

Considerations against sharing w/ relatives:
already burdened by other details
you can't trust them
judgemental and mean
they won't believe you
not a stakeholder
immaturity, gossipy, etc
LB effect (some WS take it differently)

In my case, other people who I have limited control over seem to be sharing/investigating on their own.

I'm also going to meet with OP and hand the plan B letter to him. Not really to confront. Just reinforce that there is a real person and hear him describe how he is justified in doing this (i.e. what he has to offer her). I could use a private laugh. Of course, I may be setting myself up for some hurt - but I don't think OP has that kind of effect on me.

<small>[ December 03, 2002, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: est ]</small>