while reading one of the letters to Dr. Harley i noticed that he implies this in his plan a plan- b. give the other time to sort out things rather than pushing them out ther door.when all else fails ...leave and wait and see what they do.
for the most part thats what happened im my marriage.after finding out about my wifes affair i decided let her have time to sort things out and make a choice without having pressure.after a month thought it became to hard.theres nothing to describe the feeling of laying in bed with your wife talking about her lover took its toll on me.finally itold her it was time to make a decision.so she did.she called him and said "i'll be on my way".he was happy and i was mad as hell.all i did was for nothing.i had a feeling that he would bail by this point but didn't.it wasn't until she mentioned kids coming around that he chocked up.he still didn't say no.he just avoided her for a few days.she got mad at this and i took advantage of the situation.eventually she got the hint that he was no longer interested but she still insisted on trying.after time it did end completly but i finally realized that i was the second choice.my counsilor tryed to convince me that it did n't matter why she stayed or what place i came in ,just that i won.but what did i win?when push came to shove i was'nt it!should i spend the rest of my life wondering where and when number one will show up?
this is what i get from the plan a-plan b.is it really the answer.yes it worked,but the feeling of being second makes me wonder if it was worth it.up until the affair i thought i was first,then i was proved wrong.now what?
what do others think of this situation.am i wrong to feel this way?
i know that i should do everthing possible to make my self no 1 for her.but will i ever really be no 1?after 10 years of marriage i somehow couldn't make it,why will it work now?especially now that i know i need to compete with others.i have to make sure every day that i meet those needs and somehow find time to fullfill my own needs.its enough to drive one nuts!
its been 2 years since "d-day"

It is not that you are second best it is that your wife does not deserve to be your marriage partner. She is the one who has shown to have no moral character and commitment to her marriage vows. Somehow you feel that you need to settle for someone like her to make you feel complete. What you should keep in mind is that she would have gotten rid of you if the OM had accepted her children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> why will it work now?especially now that i know i need to compete with others. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dr. Harley states somewhere that we are wired for affairs. There will always be potential OMs out there. Now, that DOES NOT make an A right. It is just a simple truth. That, plus we as humans are not perfect.

Your W should not be looking for OMs. But why is she?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i know that i should do everthing possible to make my self no 1 for her </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She should also do the same for you. What does "everthing possible" mean to you and what does it mean to her?

I accepted the fact ages ago that I am second, actually in my case, fifth. How else can you possibly see it? During the affairs you are NOT number one. You are instead the person between WS and OP. WS will lie, pull every trick in the book to secretly have contact with the OP and do everything necessary to cover-up. The BS is NOT the most important person in the love life of the WS.

And that is what is so hurtful to the BS's self-esteem, knowing that at one time you were the only one that counted, and that now you're not. If there is an OP, the OP will ALWAYS be number one. Yes, often if the WS is forced to make a choice between them in the daylight, they'll choose the BS. But when the bedroom door was closed the night before, they chose the OP first.

well i cant say that she is looking.one never knows that till its too late.she may not have looked yesterday ,and may not be looking today....but who knows about tomorrow.that really wasn'nt the point of my post.its more about being the second choice.as toppaz put it she would have left if the other man took her.thats whathis plan a- plan b does.yes it worked,but the long term effects are harsh.its not so much about how she feels about me,more how i feel about myself.i would guess that anyone that was second choice would feel the same way.whether it was a one night stand or a 1 year affair for a time the spouce was no longer the first choice.if the unfaithful left for the other and came back that just rubs it in more.2 years ago when it happened i wasn't on this forum.i had no idea what plan a was,but i realize now thats what it was.i do know this much,i could never go through it again.i'll go right to plan C. c-u later!!!!!

Dear Rob.S,

Harley also states that an affair is all about how the OP makes the WS FEEL about themselves.

So if you can fill those ENs that make your WS FEEL the way the OP made them feel about themselves, then you can be number one AGAIN.

Love,
Jo

is there any where on this site that has a index if the abrs. all theses o,s and p,s and w&h,s get confusing.i dont know which letter i am!!!! lol.
anyway,thanks for the words all.i guess i'm just pissed off that i have to fight to be first,again.

ROB.S-
The choice wasn't really the choice between you and the OM. The choice was really the choice between reality and fantasy. When the OM discovered that their fantasy was going to become reality he backed out. Your W would have found out that her fantasy was reality and not what she expected.
My advice is to continue to work on your marriage and do the things suggested by Marriage Builders to strengthen your relationship.
Then I suggest you do something different. Get yourselves some good psychotherapy to break the hold getting your "needs" filled has over you. Then you can love your W for the person she is instead of what "needs" she fills for you.
Also, pray a lot. I will keep you in my prayers.

hey rob--found this and pulled it from OneGoing's thread on Just Found Out (hope that's ok i don't know how to do a link yet)
Alphabetically):
BS = Betrayed Spouse
D-Day = Discovery Day
DH = Divorced Husband or Darling Husband
DV-Day = Divorce Day
DW = Divorced Wife or Dear Wife
EA = Emotional Affair
EN = Emotional Needs
FS = Faithful Spouse ("betrayed")
G&T = "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"
H = Husband
HNHN = "His Needs, Her Needs"
LB = Love Bust(er)
MB = Marriage Builders
MLC = Mid-life Crisis
OC = Other Child (S's and OP's)
OM = Other Man
OMW = Other Man's Wife
OP = Other Person
OPS = Other Persons's Spouse
OW = Other Woman
OWH = Other Woman's Husband
PA = Physical Affair
POJA = The Policy of Joint Agreement
S = Spouse
SAA = "Surviving An Affair"
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SO = Significant Other
W = Wife
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WS = Wayward Spouse ("betrayer")
Relationship Acronyms:
BF = Biological Father/Boyfriend
BIL = Brother In Law
BM = Biological Mother
DD = Darling Daughter
DS = Darling Son
FIL = Father In Law
GF = Girlfriend
GP = Grand Parent(s)
MIL = Mother In Law
SD = Step Daughter
SF = Step Father
SIL = Sister In Law
SM= Step Mother
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex
MB specific Acronyms (CB MB forum members)
CB = Coined By
P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens (CB… NSR... see Inspire (20))
PTC = Patience, Time and Consistency (CB… NSR... for Plan A to work!)
TDNT = That Do Nothing Thing (CB… NSR/RMA)
Generally accepted Acronyms:
BTW = By The Way
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
LMAO - Laughing My *Rump* Off
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
ROTFLMAO = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My *Rump* Off
EOM = End Of Message
Divorce/Custody Acronyms:
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CS = Child Support
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
DCW = Dept. of Child Welfare
FOC = Friend Of the Court
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome