I have only been in plan B for about two months, but I really feel I am in a place where I am resigned to the fact that I am headed for a D. WH was supposed to start a leave of absence from his job where he works with OW on November 1st. To date, he has taken off about three days. His employer will not enforce this leave. My WH cannot extract himself from work nor can he do anything else to help himself change his situation. I do not believe he is willing to do the work necessary to help either himself with his depression nor to move forward with any kind of decision regarding our relationship.

I am trying not to sound or feel so fatalistic about all of this, but this is where my head is right now. I still believe there could be hope for my M, but know that WH does not feel any hope about our M or changing anything in his life.

I still have love for my WH, but at the same time feel an almost desperate need to end my M and get on with living. I know that plan B is about separating myself from this whole situation and focusing on me and not WH, but I am stuck. I have made changes and have frankly gotten used to being alone. The one time I did have verbal contact with WH during this plan B sucked me back into a painful and frustrating feeling of helplessness with regards to WH.

He has to want to change himself and I cannot make that happen for him. Maybe I am inherently impatient or maybe I am ready to end this M and look forward to something else. Maybe it's both things. I feel very conflicted and confused.

After seven months of plan A (I don't count the first month after d-day as plan A because I was just crazed and coping and hadn't found MB) and 10 plus months of being separated I am not feeling hopeful and am feeling anxious about the future. When I think about my WH now it's as if I were reliving/revisiting memories of a dead person.

Sorry to be so melancholy. The rest of my life is pretty good and I'm generally happy. When I think about WH and my M I get depressed. I no longer feel angry and I feel less sad, but I still feel a hole where WH used to be in my life.

<small>[ December 10, 2002, 12:42 PM: Message edited by: unsureheart ]</small>

Hi unsure--

Not a lot of great advice here but just wanted you to know that someone read your post and is commiserating with you.

It will be a year of separation for WW and me at the end of the year and I face the same quandry you do...hang on or give up.

Part of me says give it up...but part says you made a commitment now stick with it until she says it's over.

I am not sure what I will do but I know in my heart that I have done my best to try to salvage our M. I think you know what you have done, too.

And, yeah, while other parts of your life can be going OK, I know what you mean about feeling that hole in your life. I have the same feeling a lot of the time whether at home, out with friends or just doing nothing. I guess it comes with the territory but it still sucks.

I hope you aren't too melancholy...keep doin' stuff for USH...hopefully that will help.

Take care

E

Thank you Elad -- I think I'm just having a bad day. Haven't had any exercise this week and it's cold and gray here.

I am finding it more and more difficult to feel as if there is hope for my M. I'm not really good at sitting on my hands and not doing anything, which is what plan B feels like today. Other days I feel as if I am moving forward and doing things for me and not worrying about what WH is or isn't doing and other days are like today -- thinking what in the heck am I doing? Why do I even still care about this man?

This is probably all triggered by two phone calls yesterday. One from his sister-in-law checking in to see how I was doing (fortunately she doesn't engage in conversations about WH with me other than telling me that I need to do what's best for me) and one from his sister (she left a message I did not speak to her). I think in some ways they are reminders for me of WH (well, I know they are) and it makes me anxious. That and no exercise.

UH, I don't come to MB often lately, but as a fellow-Plan-B'er, I thought I'd say something brief...

This feeling you're finding... it's not uncommon. It's a natural thing, I think. Dobson talks about it in "Love Must Be Tough". You're not alone.

It's okay to feel whatever you feel - embrace and examine it, and don't feel bad if you slowly work towards an end that you didn't want before. Remember that the end result of Plan B is either recommitment to rebuild a M, or a feeling that you have no love left for WS, and it's okay to divorce "in peace". There's nothing wrong with that... it's a beautiful consequence of following this very simple path.

Thank you JR -- I haven't seen you post in a quite awhile -- since the beautiful letter you wrote your WW and the apology letter she sent you in response.

How are you doing in your plan B? What are you feeling?

I am curious because there don't seem to be many of us in a strict plan B here at MB right now.

Do you have any contact with your WW?

Hi UH,

"How long am I doing Plan B?"

That's a very good question I don't have an answer to!!

I just don't know. Much as WW, I guess I'm playing things day-by-day. I'm busy with stuff, so I'm not so concerned about what happens with WW, really... part of getting confidence.

"How have I been feeling?"

Well, since you ask... Lately I've really been feeling quite a bit of resentment and even anger.

WW did finally decide to move closer to her work - about 50 miles. She hung in there as long as she could, and even when she did move, she tried to make it clear that it wasn't because she wants a divorce - it was about money, plain and simple.

I felt good about her going, actually. It feels good to have this town to myself in a way... not have to worry about bumping into her by accident.

I've been keeping busy, been doing some fun stuff, plus lots of work. It's getting easier and easier, and I realize I could be fine without her, for sure.

I do keep in touch with IC/MC who also acts as her IC. (She still wanted to continue with the same IC, even after moving so far away... she decided to just go less frequently.) She seems to indicate there's a change (albeit very SLOW) in WW's attitude, and that I maybe should expect her to make a move "in a while." (I.e. in my "favor"). I just don't know. WW could be using IC/MC to keep me on the line, too... I wouldn't put it past her.

Right now, I feel pretty ambivalent about the prospects of recovery. I openly question whether it's worth it... I can see lots of problems either way... more for WW if we're not together, but I've really stopped caring much about her position. It's like I've gotten over some kind of hump and can now see things more as an observer, removing that "chunk of my life" that was us, and look at it in new ways.

"Do I have any contact with my WW?"

Very, very little. She's doing her best to respect my NC request. I have a certain level of belief that she's not lovin' life because of it... whether she realizes or admits that, I don't know.

We've had maybe 2 e-mails in the last 2 months... just business related stuff. I'm able to be polite but distant. I did give WW that letter you mentioned, but that was maybe 2 months now (I've lost track). WW knows and admits that the ball is clearly in her court right now, and so although she can dottle if she likes, it really serves no-one's interests, and she knows it...

She knows she's "free"... she knows I'm willing to respect her "decision"... she knows she isn't getting any younger, and she can't really afford another year on the fence... and I HOPE she's starting to realize that she CAN'T SUCCEED in a relationship with someone else while she's married to me... That whole honesty thing...

And I realize that the bar I've set it very high, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm content to ride things out a bit more, mainly due to being stubborn - whether I have the will to say "yes" to a reconciliation request - I'm not certain of that yet. Sadly, I think one thing that drives me right now is a refusal to let her get off "easy" by having me make the final decision... Seems that there's 2 classes of WS: 1. when they see the BS make the decision for Dv, they suddenly want to try, 2. they're hoping and praying that the BS will Dv, to reduce their guilt. Not sure which my WW would be, and to be truthful, I don't know if I could deal with either right now anyhow.

So... I'm okay! I see why Dr.Harley suggests meds for those in Plan B... I'm suspecting mine have helped a lot.

<strong>
The one time I did have verbal contact with WH during this plan B sucked me back into a painful and frustrating feeling of helplessness with regards to WH.
He has to want to change himself and I cannot make that happen for him. Maybe I am inherently impatient or maybe I am ready to end this M and look forward to something else.
</strong>

hey USH, circumstances considered, it looks like you're actually doing not too bad in all this. your quote above shows that you're doing the plan B thing absolutely correctly: keep the distance (not to get hurt), having the self-assurance that you've tried it all (but not letting it eat you up), insight that the ball is now really in his turf, and readiness to move on if not.
Keep it up. Set yourself a goal of moving to plan D after a while. Maybe when next spring will be coming, it will be time to draw the line?

N

<small>[ December 05, 2002, 02:58 AM: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</small>

J.R. -- I was glad to get your update as I had tried to follow most of your story. Like you, I am stubborn and don't want to be the one to file for a D partially because I think my WH wants me to do it to reduce his guilt. I still am struck on this board by how similar: a) the reactions or non-reactions of the WS are in these situations and b) the feelings of the BS.

It sounds as if you are doing ok in this. It is a strange sensation for me. I recognize that being out of contact is good for me because WH is still in a strange place mentally and talking to him that one time made me nuts, however, I do miss him (well some days I miss him). I do not miss what he has been recently.

The hardest part is to let go I think and recognize and practice not trying to help them. I think I'd been enabling so much of his behavior that it was hard for me to stop and let him deal with everything on his own.

Take care J.R.

Nick -- Thanks for checking in with me. I know you're struggling right now yourself with the continued rollercoaster that is your M and the hurtful things coming out of WW's mouth. You have a great deal of patience to still be in plan A at this point.

Unsureheart, Elad and J.R.
It was helpful to hear your news on how things are going for you in Plan B. I hope things turn out OK.
I started Plan B in the middle of November after 5 months Plan A. I can't find much on MB about how to do Plan B well so it is good to read your posts. I had to leave home as I work a long way from home all week and our 2S need to be close to school.
My mistake in my Plan B letter was not to spell out the financial support for WS. I have had to email her to tell her that my legal advice is that she should find employment. I have tried to be matter of fact and not reveal any emotion except to hope that she finds employment she enjoys. She will probably get upset again as she has emailed me to say so every time she has received another household bill.
When there is no contact at all my wounds do start to heal but some of the emails have upset me. I shudder to think what contact with her would be like.
She has asked me over to see a friend of ours who was visiting and to a Christmas party. WS acts as if she doesn't understand what no contact means. In my last email I explained that contact with her would be too painful for me. Have I broken the Plan B rules?
In SAA it says that you should set a timescale for Plan B and suggests as long as 18 months. How do you decide how long to give it?
I have gone on long enough. Look after yourselves I pray that things improve for you all.
NS

Newsunrise -- I think based upon advice I got that it's okay to re-emphasize your plan B desires for no contact and to straighten out anything you think wasn't covered. I'm attaching a link to some advice I was given during the first month of my plan B on followup contact if it occurs. planBanger

Do you have a third party intermediary you can work through on financial issues or visitation with your children?

I can tell you that contact tends to bring me down. On the one hand, I do want to hear from WH and on the other hand, what limited contact I've had (one phone conversation and two emails) have not made me feel good and made me realize that WH is still as confused as ever.

UnsureHeart

Thank you for the advice and link to the PlanBanger thread. They are helpful. I do not have an intermediary to communicate financial matters to WS. As for my 2S, I contact them directly by their cellphones to spend time with them.
WS is co-operative regarding our 2S and she has appeared to come some way out of the fog since I went to Plan B. Ws has not indicated that OP is in or out of her life so I assume he is still there.
NS

unsureheart
WS was in fog again last night. I phoned my youngest S (15) and she was telling him what to tell me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> The things he was telling me was definite fog talk. I could just make out her voice in the background (appeared angry). He was saying that she was telling him to say this and that.
The only thing I could do was to tell him that I did not want a proxy conversation with his mother. Told him that there was only one thing I wanted to talk to WS about. Politely said I would contact him again said bye and hung up.
Do WS with BS in Plan B normally use their children to communicate with BS? When I see my 2S again I will try to explain again why I can't talk to WS but they cannot empathize with me.
NS

Hi USH, Sorry to hear the R side of things is tough, but i guess it would be expected. Its good you can separate it from the rest of your life. I thing about you a lot.

I'm doing well, getting out and about and enjoying it. I've got so much to do right now- seeing lawyers and real estates. Can't wait to take a break from it all soon.

SH