HI-
I am new at this but have been reading and you all seem very sincere and compassionate. I need some help with my situation. I will try to shorten the background info. Married 9 yrs. Most of it on and off again fighting. No kids. Very little intimacy. He gets mad at me for little things and explodes out of nowhere. He gets loud, verbally abusive, talks over me, and then tends to ignore/neglect me for a few weeks. This is very painful for me as I want to try to explain, and correct any "mistakes" I've made. But he doesn't give me a chance. Now he's saying I am lazy and he doesn't feel he has a partner or is part of a team because I don't do "projects" around the house without being asked. That is mostly true. We both work full-time. I do most of the housework, handle all the mail and billpaying and I have a chronic pain condition that makes me very tired to begin with. When asked, I am happy to do special "projects" but need to do them on the weekend as working all day , housework, etc during the week and then trying to get to the gym is about all I can handle. But he blew up at me this last time complaining I don't do work WHILE I was vacuuming and doing spot removals on the carpet. I don't understand him at all. Yet he will not sit down and just "talk" with me about it. Its always yelling. He ignores me now and has time for everybody else but me. I am hurt. He went and got the generic divorce papers you can get at Office Max and says he wants a divorce. Says he'll talk to me in two days. But he's going to his friends house tonight to socialize, while I'm sitting here torn up. More hurt. Couple days ago he did say that he didn't even get a "I'm sorry" or a "I'm sorry you feel that way" from me when he was yelling at me. The problem is, he is talking so loud, talking over me, and calling me names like "freakshow", etc that I cannot say anything to him and if I don't want to get in a yelling match , need to just walk away. I offer to sit down with him calmly, yet he refuses to do that or has for the last 3 weeks. Am I to say I'm sorry even though I feel that he is being unreasonable and controlling? He justifies his neglect of me saying he doesn't love or respect me. How do I handle that one? At this point I don't even know if I want him. The possobilities of being with someone else who I can be myself with and not be on eggshells is looking more enticing all the time and of course these feelings make me feel guilty. By the way, he did have a EA (emotional affair?) with a coworker one year ago and as far as I know he has stuck to his promise not to contact her again. (she left the job). Please tell me what I should do. Thanks.

blueskies,

I am so sorry to read of your tough time. I'm not sure I can help much but I want you to know that people are thinking of you and I'm sure there will be plenty of people here who will be able to provide some good advice.

My only advice is "try and stay strong" while you work out what it is that is causing your husband to behave in this awful way towards you. He is clearly very angry at something and is taking it out on you. Do you think he might either be having another A? Or do you think he is angry at the end of the last EA? How did that end?

This board has helped me a huge amount - mainly by making me ask some tough questions of my situation - ones that I either hadn't thought of or didn't want to think of - I'm sure it will you too.

Keep safe.

blueskies, I welcome you here, as I have been here 2 months and have met so many wonderful people. You will get so much support here. Your H is going thru something that he is trying to push onto you, do not know what it is, but hopefully you will be able to find out or it will come out soon thru H's actions. His actions are very negative now, could it be that he is pushing you to act negative to give him an excuse for his actions? He seems to be angry, or not wanting to communicate his needs that he feels are not being met. My thoughts are with you, please know that we are here. There will be others who have been here alot longer than myself to assist you. Take Care

Well couple of observances...bare with me...all meant with objectivity...

1. Most married couples have styles of argueing...a lot have been and are where you at...problem is your style is totally inneffective in conflict resolution.

2. You can't change, control, or make him do anything...can only control, change you...really good news is that when one spouse makes changes it can often drag the other with them....even if they go kicking and screaming the whole way... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
(usually they come around though...when the light-bulb clicks on that is not so much fun living in chaos and total melt downs over every bump in the road...

3. If you accept verbal abuse you are not a victim after the first occurance...you are responsible for accepting it regardless of his behavior...take responsibility for you and you will gain back power over what you allow in your life...

4. only those we let control us can control us...

5. Saying sorry is sometime just lip-service...and married people must tear up any type of score card in being right and or wrong all the time....sometimes we must agree to disagree and beating a dead horse stagnates us from getting anywhere....

You might force him to apologize, or say "you were right..I was wrong...but it doesn't mean he understands you...same with you understanding him...

Never ever power struggle with anyone...it is futile...

Search here for a post called something like do you want to be right..or do you want to be married...great post...thanks BR>

Read up on plan A now and start using the tools for you....
Each and every time he raises his voice or calls you a name walk away...each time...do not engage, do not yell back...do not cry...walk away leave if you must..over and over each time....

Take control of this situation by taking total control of you...be as pleasant as you can...

Let go at this moment in time of wanting to discuss heavy issues like neglect, abuse etc...you two are not even close to being able to effectively communicate at this time..most attempts will continue to end up in arguements, more pain and chaos...

So look at you and leave him out of the picture at this time...visualize the type of person you want to be...the type of wife you want to be...read here about plan A...

Sorry I gotta run..
ARK....

Sounds like you are all encouraging me to stay strong. Ark, your comment about not being a victim of verbal abuse AFTER the first occurence struck me and made me think. I WILL walk away next time it happens. Immediately. Tongiht he emailed me a letter and said its too painful to talk to me so he's writing. Says he works all the time for our financial future and he needs me to be a partner and help him out by doing projects. FINALLY he listed some items he would like me to do. WHY couldn't he have just CALMLY told me this days ago??? The thing is, they are things like re-staining the wood around sliding glass doors, regrouting the tile in shower, etc. Not your routine everyday housekeeping. I start to wonder if I am lazy. How much is enough? I never thought I was a bad housekeeper and I'll never e and don't want to be MARTHA. I also run a full time business out of the home and am starting up another business. This takes a lot of energy. Plus I mentioned earlier I have chronic pain. Between the pain and the painkillers, I get tired easily. Do I endeavor to jump right in and start redoing the house to please him? The reason I'm hesitant is that it doesn't make sense to me and I"m not sure he is being sincere. It seems to me just like something to argue about. Maybe I'm not seeing what he values. I don't know. If I could trust him, I would just accept that this is really the issue and I would make a big effort for the sake of our marriage. P roblem is, I don't trust him. Even if he believes having a home looking like a "model home" is neccesary for his well-being, I don't. I would have my home clean and inviting, yet not be a slave to it. I would rather spend that time loving, laughing, creating art, etc. Thoughts?

I think expecting you to regrout the tile in the shower is a bit much. In my house, that's a man's job. And definitely not for a disabled woman.

My H and I have different expectations re: cleanliness (he likes things very clean) and finally we hired a cleaning woman to help out. I don't know if you can afford one but it sounds to me like your plate is full.

It was a good initiative of your H to e-mail you. Give him some positive feedback for that- write back that you very much appreciated his thoughts. I think e-mailing to each other regarding these difficult issues is a good idea.

Couldn't he help you with these projects so the two of you could do them together? Or could you hire a handyman for the tile grouting.