I just want to let all my friends here know that finally, after 6 months, our custody agreement is signed, sealed and delivered, not without some tense last moments however. While trying to negotiate some last minute details, my W got quite angry and adversarial. My lawyer even asked me why she's so angry. All I could say is I guess things aren't going the way she thought they would. In the end, we wound up with exactly the same agreement we reached 6 months ago at mediation, it just took five revisions, four court dates and $2000 to get there. Mind boggling.

sad dad

sad dad,

Don't try to explain the fog that she is in ... just spend your enegry w/ your little one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I am glad at least you have custody that you could live with.

-rh-

OK, what's the latest on the house?

WAT

RH,

I will do just that.

WAT,

Don't know. I just wanted to address one issue at a time this week. I have my daughter this weekend, so my W should have plenty of time to start getting the house in order. In fact, I've been thinking about buying the house from HER. Some of her reasons for keeping it were good, it just wasn't financially possible for her, but it might be for me. I've gone through the numbers with a lender and getting financing wouldn't be a problem. It's a matter of whether I want to deal with the emotional baggage of living in "our" house or do I want a fresh start. It's alot of house to take care of, but it's also the only house my daughter has known.

sad dad

hmmmm
could be a good move, actually. I reckon your WW would be tempted very much to "come back to the good old family place" and will make her thinking of throwing it all away.
do you know, does she associate mainly positive emotions with the house or not?

N

ditto Nick - again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have remained in our house. In the separation agreement proposed by my WS, all I had to do was get it in my name only and she offered to not require her portion of equity until I sell, agreed upon to take place no later than after our son graduates from high school. The fog can have its benefits!

Anyway, I obviously recommend you consider this option. Yes, there's some emotional baggage in keeping the house, especially for me since it's here where my son died. But, I have made it MY house now - it's no longer OUR house. I'm doing some remodeling and personalization that define it as mine and son's alone. Of course, the currently good appreciation and high cost of moving/buying is also a strong motivation to stay put.

So, give it fair consideration, but for YOU and your daughter, not for any effect this may have on your W.

WAT

nick,

Hard to say how she feels about the house. She did tell me early last year that the house had alot of bad memories, but on the otherhand she wanted to buy me out just two weeks ago.

WAT,

"Of course, the currently good appreciation and high cost of moving/buying is also a strong motivation to stay put."

Very good points. Houses in our area appreciate about 8%/yr, and unlike many houses I've looked at, it doesn't need any work. I was kind of excited about the prospect of getting a new house, but it's always something I can do down the road when things aren't so chaotic.

sad dad

I'm not surprised she lost it. Things have been too smooth lately. This was just a big dose of the reality she's tried so hard to avoid. So be it...it is what it is.

Think very hard about whether you really want to keep the house. I can totally understand you wanting to do it. I also know it will be a HUGE issue with your wife. I know I know...why would it be fair for her to have the right to stay and buy it, and not you. Doesn't matter...she'll flip her lid. It really will shake her world. That's not your problem...but just be darn sure it's something you're sure you want before you stir the pot.

h4f makes a valid point about "stirring the pot" - just another way of saying to decide on this for noble reasons - you and your D - and not as a way to have impact on your wife.

Let me add that you should not underestimate the symbolism of you retaining your marital home. I feel dern good and proud to remain in mine. It speaks volumes to friends, neighbors, and family that both I and OM's XW both remain in our homes 4 doors apart - that it was the choice of the WSs to abandon their families and we stayed put - in both our marriages and our homes. 'Nuff said.

WAT

h4f & WAT,

You are right. I really have to weigh all the pros & cons before I do this. I have to say, keeping the house may give me a feeling that at least I salvaged something out of this mess. Another reason I'm considering it is because it would just be so much easier for me with all that's going on. Besides the D, my mom is very sick. She's in the end stages of Alzheimer's. She is beginning to shut down and we recently called in hospice to offer her additional care at the nursing home. I am her "power of attorney" and there are medical, financial, emotional and moral issues I will be dealing with soon. Selling a house and looking for a new one only adds to everything else. I'll give it all some serious thought.

Thanks,
sad dad

Still thinking it through about the house. Going to turn to my sister's for advice.

sad dad

After giving it much thought, I've decided I am going to talk to my W about buying her out of the house. I realize it will probably make her angry and she may try to fight me on it. I'm not doing it to stir the pot or with hopes it will have an effect on my W. I'm doing it for the following reasons:

1. It will give my daughter some stability.

2. With everything going on with the D and my mother's impending passing, I don't want to add the trouble of selling and looking for a new house.

3. It's a great investment.

4. It will give me a feeling that I'm salvaging something out of this mess.

I'm open to opinions.

sad dad

<small>[ December 08, 2002, 10:19 PM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

Hi SD- I just wanted to say I really admire how you have thought thru all the reasons you want to buy the house BEFORE approaching your W about it.Maybe you could make up a list of your reasons to take along for your talk with your W. I really feel for you with what you are going thru with your mother. You are really having to "play the hand you've been dealt' this year. Or as my mother told me when I was struggling to deal with my H- "SOMEONE has to be the grown-up here!" Hang in there and keep us posted! lifeismessy

Hi Saddad,

I am glad to see your list of reasons for keeping the house. Stability for your daughter is the best reason. Money is money and well it would be financially more sound.

The fog is not logical so financial decisions or any other logical decision stand a greater chance of not happening as long as the 'fog' is out there. So be smart and careful.

My son told me he does not want to leave our home. We may have to move. It hurt to hear that. So you also have an 8 year old input. I understand because my family moved a lot when I was growing up and I always resented each move, even if it was to a better place.

JMHO,
L.

Yup, we moved all the time too and I HATED it.

I think staying in the home is a great idea. Before approaching her you may want to have a plan figured out. I'd tell her you have been considering staying for the very reasons she gave and would like to discuss buying her out. That way it comes off as an option and not THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA BE. In her foggy state she'll probly still distort it to that.

When you talk to her I wouldn't reveal your plan until you ask her what she thinks would work out for a plan...in her usual manner she'll probly come up with a nice vague I don't know. She should have had a plan for moving out and selling the house, so you should be able to work around that.

The thing is, I worry since she's in the house and you aren't she'll try to stall. Course I guess lawyers can handle that too. Anyway, my point was to keep it as non-confrontational as possible, just don't force the ideas on her...let her think she's coming up with some of it.

I know you know this already! Good luck!

lim, orchid & h4f,

Thanks for your replies. I have a pretty good idea how I'm going to raise the issue and discuss it with her. I know I have to address it with "kid gloves" to minimize any confrontation.
Basically I'm just going to reiterate the validity of her reasons for wanting to do it, yet understanding that financially it would have been too much of a burden for her. Assuming she doesn't try to fight me on it or insist we sell the house, I'll accomodate her in any way I can as far as a closing date, and if necessary offer to let her stay at my mom's place (where I am currently) until she finds a place of her own.

sad dad

ditto the ladies

Once again, you're rational with a well thought out solution.

I recommend you also be prepared for what her reaction could be: she won't like your buy out plan and will either outright object or stall to keep it from happening. I hope I'm wrong, but she may see your offer as a "controlling" threat and taking advantage of her "situation."

When will you make your pitch?

Dave

WAT,

Good point. Maybe I'll keep my offer to let her stay at my mom's to myself. It's really not my problem where she goes. Yes, I expect her to react with resistance and/or anger. If she agrees to it, I'll go thru the proper legal channels to ensure she can't stall anything. If she doesn't agree to it, I may have to look at what my legal options are.

sad dad

offer to let her stay at my mom's place (where I am currently) until she finds a place of her own.
What does Mom think of this?

Chris,

My mom is in a nursing home. She is gravely ill and only has a few more weeks. I'm sure you didn't know that, just thought I'd clarify things.

sad dad