I've been watching this board some for about a month now.. since reading Surviving an Affair. I've been wanting to post for a couple weeks but never know where to start and start thinking about how difficult it is to explain the situation. After following some of these threads, though, I think I'm in the right place. Finding Dr. Harley's books and concepts has been a life changing experience for me. I'm currently reading HNHN and got my pastor to read SAA.

I'll probably not post much tonight as I'm totally drained, and it will probably take some time, but I need to do this to better organize my thoughts and hopefully gain some valuable input.

amistrong

me-BS,26 her-WS,29 MOM (right acronym??)
4 children, 2 hers (S,D) 1 mine (D) 1 S ours

CAUTION: looooong story to follow...

AmIstrong, welcome.

I know you are going to post your story later--just wanted to encourage you that you will meet some great people here.

Maybe you can help us--you weren't sure if "MOM" is the right acroynm--I wish I could help better but I know there are a couple posts around the board somewhere that explain all our abbreviations. That will help.

Don't apologize for being long. We are here for you.

Welcome ... MOM - MarriedOtherMan ? Check the link under my signature ...

Complicated story ? ... I doubted, you will find similiar story around. Nothing new under the sun <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...
-RH-

<small>[ December 05, 2002, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

I think I'll start with today then probably go back to the beginning.

Had a very rough day today.. all week actually... better go back to Thanksgiving. We spent Thanksgiving together.. Her, I, our S, my D.. other two were with their dad. The day went very well.. we had dinner at my Dad's, then my Mom's. Came home, kids took a nap, and we talked... good converstation.. the kind we've been having for weeks. While talking though, OM called MY HOUSE. OM had not yet called my house. He asked for her, I asked who was calling, and he said. I simply said "don't call here.. just.. don't call here again.." He called again. He started saying he was sorry and didn't mean to cause any problems, I said "you are causing problems, now don't call back". She said she didn't know why he would be calling.

Kids woke up, we watched a movie, then she went to go to her place with our S. OM went by my place soon after she left. I knew where he was heading next. She had said she'd call when she got home.. and she did.. I asked if OM was there, she said no, I said he was on his way, and that he just drove by. She said she'd call me when S went to sleep. This was 10:30.. OM was there for hour and a half, but probably overnight. She called, after midnight. She said that he had left, but also that the people she stays with were gone for the holiday, and they had asked her not to have visitors in. What an opportunity for her and OM! Anyway she was definitely not the same person I had talked to earlier.

Friday, she called and said she had decided she shouldn't see either of us right now, and also she'd have to drop S off early. She did not stay long, and I didn't hear from her until Sun.

Hardest 7 days of my life! I am not kidding.. I know I am not that old, but this has got to be the most painful thing any person could feel...

I already knew what was confirmed today. Friday, she had went w/ OM and others out of town to another city. Whether they had sex previously or not, they did then. She called me Sunday morning. Like I said, I KNEW.. I couldn't talk to her.. she left messages.. I could tell by her voice.. It happened.

We talked briefly Mon, Tue, Wed, but she was avoiding the "conversation". She has consistently lied to me about OM for weeks, while all the time agreeing to work on our relationship. We met with the pastor tonight, and finally, I heard the words from her. My gut should win a million dollars.

I'll have to continue tomorrow.. totally drained... Goodnight all, and thank you for the replies, RH and FS. I meant to say Multiple Other Men. OM is actually #2 (?)

amistrong

Amistrong

I am so sorry that you find yourself at MB, but it has been a great source of comfort and strength to me and many others out there.

Come back when you can and try and let people know your story, because I have found that the more you can share (however painful) the more help you get.

Thinking of you and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

AmIStrong,

We are all sorry that you find yourself here, but glad that you have found a support group. Regardless of age, gender, etc. indeed this is the HARDEST thing you will ever go through.

As you have read in SAA, you will need to determine for yourself what your deadlines are for Plan A and Plan B. That was the hardest part for me. I just wanted it to end and couldn't understand why H kept insisting on keeping it going. I think that once I put the date in my mind that I would end Plan A and start Plan B, my energy shifted and H felt it and made a dramatic change. It has taken Plan B for others to have that happen. If W is out of house, sounds like you will have the opportunity to put that to the test.

The other thing that has assisted me GREATLY is getting on the anti-D. I was having anxiety attacks and was completely in the depths of hell. Consider it.

Take care.

After TKD last night I had to pick up my D at her Grandpa's and went by WS place. There was another car parked on the street, but wasn't OM's.
I stopped to see her. We talked for 10-15 mins. I LB'd and asked how am I not supposed to think "s\ut" when I see her. This was 4 hrs after our mtg. w/ pastor. She called after I got home and I told her I wasn't trying to hurt her, and wasn't calling her that, but expressing to her how I felt and asking her to put herself in my shoes. While we were talking, I asked her about meeting for lunch. I could tell something was up. She said she doesn't usually leave for lunch. I know this isn't true. She had left for lunch most of the week. She just didn't want to, or had other plans. It's amazing really how much I can tell just from her voice and mannerisms. Well, I saw her at lunchtime with a passenger. OM? I'll let you know who she says it was. Haven't talked to WS today yet. S with her until Sun.

OT: Oh, I had a car accident today with work vehicle... actually my boss' work vehicle. Older fella hit me and smashed the rear fender and bent the axle. No one was hurt, but killed 2 hrs of the afternoon. Today was boss' day off. Can't wait till Mon...

amistrong

I met WS in summer of '99. I lived in our house with my DD (I am CP) (I have learned new acronyms.. thanks, RH) She lived in the apts. across the street. I can clearly remember the day we met. It was end of July, hot summer day, and I was getting in the car w/ D to go to the store. I remember I was cooking dinner and needed butter! WS was walking down my sidewalk with her S,D. My D saw her S,D and they had to meet. I remember when I saw her, I thought WOW! I don't really believe in love at first sight.. but it was something. She was beautiful and sexy, even w/ 2 kids in tow. Our eyes met and we talked briefly... days, later we began to "hang out" and "fell in love" pretty quick. She was just finalizing a painful divorce with her ex-husband and had been living in the apt. for 6 mos. or so.. She had trouble paying the bills.. actually, I was too, at the time. But before winter, she had moved in and thus started our instant family...

At the time, the kids were 3,3, and 2.
Our S was conceived in early 2k, and born in Oct. She was pregnant before that, but we didn't have the baby. I think back and know I might not have been the father. Anyways.. my S is mine, 99.99% sure anyway..

My D is mine too. Her BM is.. not around.. not really since she was 2. I was not w/ her pretty much from the beginning. She was a liar and pretty promiscuous. It didn't take long to know we were incompatible. She has since proven numerous times that I made the right choice there.

My kids... I love my kids! They are my driving force in life these days. My D is in the 1st grade and at a 2-3rd grade reading level. She has learned unbeleivable coping skills. My S is so smart and cute! My kids are GREAT and I've been blessed.... My WS S,D are a handful.. for her anyway. They have been through a lot, and WS made many mistakes before I knew her. Her ex-husband is the CP, and they are w/ him most of the time... This has always been a painful aspect of her life. For her divorce, she didn't have an atty., and her ex did. She would get very emotional in the courtroom and sometime say the wrong things. From the time I met her, we used my atty., to try and regain her joint custody, but often times I know she felt she couldn't handle having her kids more. They have always stressed her out, so to speak. She loves them very much and they are very important to her, but when we met, my help with them was more than welcome.

The kids have always played together great and our S was like a missing piece to the puzzle. Only then I couldn't imagine how many pieces there were to this puzzle...

I haven't eaten today, but I need to.. I'll pick up here later on..

....

As a matter of fact, WS just phoned. It was basic how are you, how was your day, how are the kids. She asked me what I was doing, I said not much. I said I guess she didn't want to have lunch today.. She said.. "oh.. lunch... I usually don't go out for lunch." I asked what she did today, she said she ran to the store with her friend/co-worker. I did not ask about OM. She said she would call me later.

amistrong

----------------------------
me-BS,26 her-WS,29
4 children, 2 hers (S,D) 1 mine (D) 1 S ours
together 7/99-8/02, marriage was set for 9/02
D-Day (most recent) was 12/5/02.

WS did call back Friday, but OM was at her house.
He was actually there before she called me the first time. I didn't confront her with it then, but Sat. when she called. I asked her how it was going w/ NC. She said fine, she didn't have any desire to see him or talk to him. I asked her if she had talked to him that day, she said no. I asked her if she'd talked to him Fri., she said no (and started to sound defensive). I said, his car was at your house.. I said stop the "crap" and be honest. She then said that if he was there, then she didn't talk to him. Again, I could see right through her. Besides, I knew.

Sunday morning she left a message, wondering if we wanted to go to church with her. This was unexpected and I think has more to do with the unknown car at my house until 2:30 night before. Anyway.. I picked S up Sun eve. and she asked if I still wanted to talk. I said not if she can't stop lying to me. Then there's no point, right? It was then she admitted to OM being there, and told me the story of how his friend offered to fix her car for her for free. I asked her why she lied, and she said she didn't think I would understand. Well, excuse me if I don't, but the day before she had told me and MC that there was NC. The she lied when asked. I don't think the lying is going to stop. Does anyone have any info or links on compulsive liars/lying?

amistrong

<small>[ December 10, 2002, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: amistrong ]</small>

Sunday evening, I had basically let WS know that she should come over and talk.. if she would be honest.. She didn't come, and I didn't talk to her Mon. She had told MC and I that she couldn't meet Mon. because she had to work until 8.. She usually works until 3 or 4. I asked her what about her v-ball game. She said she would have to quit. So we made the appt. for Tues.

Well, she didn't work late on Mon. and she did go to her game. We did meet with MC this afternoon, and it was tough... She said she decided to work late on Tues. instead of Mons. and quit her choir practice (she started 2 wks ago.)

At one point this weekend, I asked her about her new cell phone and how could she afford it? She said someone gave it her. I asked her if OM gave it to her. She said no, but a guy at work, and she just had to buy minutes.

I need to try and get some sleep.. I'll try and post more tomorrow (today).

amistrong

Like I said, we had met with MC yesterday, and it was hard. Remember, the last time we met she had admitted to PA, among other things.. She had reaffirmed NC with OM and no interest. Then, she saw him the next day. Then she lied about it.

This session, she still seemed unsure/confused.. wanting to basically start over and become friends. Much of the conversation centered on her need for independence and her uncertainity about her feelings for me. We talked about honesty and how the lying has got to stop. MC suggested that there may need to come a time when I don't "check" on her or even question her about OM. I have a hard time with this, because she has lied SO MUCH over the last 3 years. I KNOW when she's lying... "checking up" is only confirmation of what that gut-wrenching feeling is telling me. Anyway.. He asked when we wanted to meet again.. she said next Mon.. I suggested Sat. She seemed uneasy, as if she had plans w/ OM, but she did agree to Sat. We are to both go prepared, with what we would like to see happen, like time spent together, what kind of things we want to do with each other. Before we left, I asked if she wanted to stop over and talk more later. She said no and said she had to think about some things. MC suggested she call me later, and she did. She said she felt mad when she left.. I asked her why? She said she didn't like seeing me hurt and crying, but didn't know what to do about it. She doesn't seem to know how bad it hurts!! She doesn't seem to want to admit that what she can do about it is to stop lying and commit to NC with OM, allowing me to accumulate some love units.

I was Plan A'ing quite well, I think, until the confirmation of PA. Now, I admit, I am not sure if she will change, and I have lost a lot of love for her. It is difficult to meet her EN's while living apart. I would appreciate any advice on doing this. More background to come...

amistrong